The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

What exactly is a trophy wife?

Bewildered

It is a woman that sits around watching soap operas (infomercials, shopping channels) all day, wasting away, testing the laws of physics by gaining mass and losing energy, and she may or may not get up to put her husband's dinner in the microwave.

Oh excuse me! I misread your letter. I thought you said atrophy wife.

When a man becomes rich enough to part with half of his net worth, he trades in the old model for a newer low mileage one that is at least twenty years his junior. This trophy wife is displayed much the same way that a person would exhibit a wild game animal that was bagged while on safari. You could also form certain analogies using the verb mounted.

These sleek, sexy models usually have names like Candy, Babette or Ginger and come standard with a sporty chassis, short skirt, low-cut or see-through blouse. Optional equipment includes a saline enhanced front suspension, bronze exterior and special rally make-over package. These units are also known to have unusually high upkeep and maintenance costs.

Leasing certain models on a night-to-night basis is not considered having a wife and should be avoided for obvious health reasons.

The trophy wife is a vain attempt by the male to prove his virility to himself and his colleagues despite the graying hair or balding head.

After about five years Candy will wise up and again take him for half of his net worth.

Now there are plenty of successful women in this country. But you never see them parading around showing off a trophy husband. Why? That is because that species of mammal doesn't exist!

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