The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

I've seen all the ads on television and I'm still confused. Just what heck is feminine protection anyway and how is it used?

Wondering in Winslow

Oh boy, is this a sticky issue. Basically feminine protection can be lumped into three categories; verbal, aggressive and lethal. I will attempt to explain each of these in detail.

First we have the verbal category. This is used to fend off unwanted male advances. The most common form is the word NO. Should this fail to work because some male is too dumb to realize that NO means NO, or that a woman has the right to change her mind, other steps may need to be taken. Another form of verbal feminine protection is to belittle the offender's equipment. Strategically placed observational comments similar to, Is that all the bigger it gets, punctuated by hysterical giggling and pointing have been known to cause the involuntary suspension of phallic activity.

The first and foremost method of the aggressive category is the tried and true, knee to the groin. After the male is doubled over and on the floor, the female can try to score a few bonus points by creating unattractive designs on the back of his head with the heel of her high heeled shoe. Loud, boisterous laughter can also be used here. It won't hurt the male any, but it helps relieve stress and signifies a sense of satisfaction for the female.

For those who wish to avoid the up close and personal contact, there are other alternatives.

Feminine protection spray is the most popular of the non-contact type of aggressive repellents. It comes in three forms; tear gas, mace and pepper spray. Tear gas has fallen on hard times since its use on dissident college students in the sixties. The sale of mace had to be discontinued when several suspecting people tried to include it as a spice in pumpkin pie. Pepper spray gives the offender a stinging and burning feeling. Kind of like jock itch of the eyes. And should you ever run out of Tabasco Sauce®, pepper spray can be used as a condiment to spice up an otherwise lackluster bowl of gumbo.

The other type of non-contact aggressive repellents are the hand-held personal screamer alarms. These devices emit a shriek that has been known to burst a watermelon at four hundred yards, induce bats to bleed at the ears, cause sterility in hamsters and register sounds at 2.1 decineagles. Well, now that I've mentioned it, I suppose I should describe the decineagle system.

The decineagle is named after the man who caused its inception, Capricornus R. Full Moon Neagle, a former Maytag® repairman and part-time dance disk jockey. He is well known for his ability to produce tremendously loud sounds in small amount of space. Space, here being the keyword, referring to the vast cosmic void, not just some converted game room. The decineagle system was designed to measure what went far beyond the capabilities of lesser sound measurement systems. A description of the noise levels in the system is as follows:

  1 decineagle  - Small insects drop from the sky
  2 decineagles - Birds drop from the sky
  3 decineagles - Threshold of pain
  4 decineagles - The party starts
  5 decineagles - Slight structural damage
  6 decineagles - What structure?
  7 decineagles - Things really get going
  8 decineagles - Mountains tumble
  9 decineagles - Planets crumble

And lastly there is the lethal category. One type is characterized by random groups of numbers followed by abbreviations using lower case letters of the alphabet, such as: .357 mag., 9mm and .38 cal. The other type that has gained notoriety recently is the Ginzu® method of organ liberation. Should the need for feminine protection reach this point, somebody is in deep trouble.

I hope this column has answered any questions you might have had. There are also some feminine hygiene products on the market, that call themselves protection, but I don't think you really want to know about them.

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