The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

Judging by the picture in your advice column, you appear to be a sleazy scumbag with your finger up your nose sporting a tacky looking 1940's mustache. You have bags under your eyes, your clothes look like you sleep in them, you have warts on your face with coarse hog hairs sprouting from them, fleas couldn't nest in your hair, and I'll bet your breath stinks and that you break wind in the bathtub and bite at the bubbles (when and if you bathe), and you probably voted for Clinton. You're a miserable and pathetic excuse for a human being and an insult to the medical profession, and it's pretty much common knowledge that you have a thing on your weenie.

My question is, how did the thing get there and what do you plan to do about it?

Disgusted

Mom, how many times have I told you never to write me here! And which one of the attendants let you have a pen! I thought they were still considered a sharp implement! I will say that this letter is much more legible that the ones you usually write with crayons.

In reference to your blasphemous accusations above, I categorically deny all (well most, uh, make that some, okay, make that a few) of them and how dare you insinuate that I voted for Clinton.

Also, I will have you know that not one of the 151 charges filed this year against me by the AMA has ever been proven.

Not that it is any of your business, but that thing you refer to is a callous that I received as a result of a Self-Awareness and Actualization seminar I attended and should go away given enough rest and recuperation.

Oh, just in case you're interested, the person who drew that caricature took one too many liberties and as a consequence has had their artistic license revoked along with a few fingers on their right hand.

Besides, I thought you were pleased with how I looked. People always say I'm the spittin' image of you.

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