The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the uses for duck tape in one of your columns. The slaughter of these small defenseless woodland waterfowls to produce this sticky material is unethical, cruel and inhumane! I will see you drawn and quartered for this!

Upset to No End

I did this just to drive people like you crazy. But then again, you didn't have far to travel, did you? Actually duck tape is not made from mallards, but refers to the action you must take when using said material. If you use it to fix a radiator leak, but the pressure still blows your hose...DUCK. If it is used to block the entrance to a door and you need to get under it...DUCK. If someone throws a roll of it at you...DUCK.

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