The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

My mother says that if I don't stop doing IT, I'll go blind. What the IT is she talking about?

Jennifer in Tulsa

Let's not diddle around the bush on this one shall we? What your mother is referring to is nude sun-bathing. Consider the following case studies.

Case Study #1

George S., a mild-mannered, married school teacher in his early 40's had taken to pruning his hedge with a nail clipper, one leaf at time. This was a result of his neighbor next door, a woman in her mid-30's, who had started sunning herself by her pool, sans suit or any other type of clothing. This acute arboreal behavior pattern had infected Mr. S. every Saturday afternoon since Spring, weather permitting. The woman was aware of this visual intrusion and welcomed ,nay encouraged, the voyeuristic proclivities of her neighborly bush trimmer. Then one afternoon though the forces of the universe ganged up on Mr. S. At the exact same time that the female neighbor rolled over onto her posterior, Mrs. S. stood on the back porch and tried to gain her husband's attention by repetitiously calling his name. He was so enraptured by the exhibition across the hedge that he failed to hear her. His auditory faculties had completely abandoned him. Even when Mrs. S. stood directly behind him, uttering various harmonic distortions of a vile and slanderous nature, he still did not detect her presence. It was only after repeated applications of a garden trowel upside his head that she corrected this anomaly. The coma lasted only a few days and he recovered fully. Mr. S. has since taken to locking himself in the upstairs back bedroom with a pair of binoculars on the weekends.

Case Study #2

Anthony U., a shy, introverted and unmarried man in his late-30's, was employed full-time for a lawn maintenance company as a professional leaf blower. He also held a part-time job as a crab stuffer, but that has nothing to do with this case study. In the course of his full-time employment he had the occasion to enter the backyard of the house where he was working. He encountered an attractive female in her early-20's on a chaise lounge engaged in the process of melanin augmentation, au natural. The young lady stood up and without embarrassment for her lack of attire approached him. Anthony U. was not well versed in any sort of intimate relationship, let alone the sight of a naked woman. He was, for all intents and purposes, devoid of any initiatory sexual experience. Attempts at an oral response by him was met with only guttural intonations and the occasional lecherous groan. Even when she asked him a direct question pertaining to the quality of his viewing pleasure, he failed to respond. He had lost his capacity for verbal communication and was beginning to swoon. The sight of her had left him speechless. The fast thinking woman quickly hosed him down with cold water from a lawn sprinkler. This seemed to have the desired calming effect, until he caught a glance of her again and then the whole episode started all over. Even to this day, he still babbles incoherently at the sight of any sort of female flesh, an action that extremely annoys his few remaining friends.

Conclusion

If nude sun-bathing can cause a person to go deaf or dumb, surely going blind, is next in the logical progression of events.

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