The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

Keeping the peace as best we can.
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ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

What is Pataphysics?

  1. Pataphysics is the science of the realm beyond metaphysics: or, Pataphysics lies as far beyond metaphysics as metaphysics lies beyond physics -- in one direction or another.
  2. Pataphysics is the science of the particular, of laws governing exceptions.
  3. Pataphysics is the science of imaginary solutions.
  4. Pataphysics, all things are equal.
  5. Pataphysics is, in aspect, imperturbable.
  6. All things are pataphysical; yet few men practice Pataphysics consciously.
  7. Beyond Pataphysics lies nothing; Pataphysics is the ultimate defense.

We explore the pataphysical nature of the world through the use of performances, called Experiments, which are assigned arbitrary numbers. Experiment #2 was the now world famous carp experiment (amazing how today things become world famous in only 48 hours). Experiments may be recorded on any convenient medium, or on none at all. There is no precise definition of what constitutes an Experiment. After all, as Eugene Ionesco says above, Everything's Pataphysics. If you wish to eat a ham sandwich and label it Experiment #12, you have succeeded. After all, by the very act of LABELING the consumption of a sandwich as an Experiment you have called attention to its absurd nature. In other words, the definition of an Experiment is up to the Experimenter.

Thus Pataphysical Research has no clear goal, doctrine or purpose. We hope to prove nothing, to find nothing and to leave nothing in its place. We will achieve our-non-existent goals through the use of performance, both live and recorded. The performances will be part of an arbitrarily numbered series of Experiments, which, hopefully, will fail to prove anything or bring to light any actual solutions.

Of course, we don't seek power. We seek nothing. But then, being pataphysical, aren't they the same?

Here are some of our experiments to date. Even as you read this, pataphysicians all over the country are carrying out their experiments.

Experiment 127a

A 2 lb. Bag of M&M's was emptied unto a kitchen table covered with yesterday's sports section from the newspaper (Section E, pages 1 through 12). Numerical analysis proved our hypothesis to be valid, that N

Experiment 4.7zQ

A small red potato was suspended 8 ft. in the air from the ceiling by means of a length of string and a pulley. A 4.5 lb. common ordinary house cat was placed underneath. Every 30 minutes the potato was lowered half of the remaining distance to the floor. The cat became bored after 2 minutes and left. Since the potato never touched the floor, we assume that the cat is the enigma.

Since Pataphysics is the science of imaginary solutions, I submit the following solution hoping that it meets the needs of some problem.

Solution 468.3

Pluck the feathers from a freeze-dried rubber armadillo until the tail turns bright orange. Boil the creature in extra virgin olive oil until the bones are soft and brittle. Filet the shell off using a chisel and 12 lb. sledge hammer. Bake at 425 degrees using only a magnifying glass and 40 watt light bulb. While this procedure is taking place, use the time to do your laundry.

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