The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

EXPERIMENT 1510am - AIR

To prove the validity and/or existence of air, I volunteered the help of the my daughter (female, adolescent, age 13). We stepped out onto the porch to conduct our test. Neither one of us could see air. This was perceived as a negative indication. My daughter could detect the delicate aroma of the nearby water treatment plant, while I was able to ascertained the subtle odor of carbon monoxide from I-10. The scent of air was not detected by either of us. The absence of the sound of air was also noted. We proceeded with our next test. Sticking our tongues out at each other, air appeared to elude the taste test. Finally, each of us tried to grab some air to take back into the house for further study. We came up empty handed.

RESULTS

After the concept of air failed the five senses test, we can neither confirm nor deny the existence of the test subject. Please do not let our own negative experiences dissuade you from your own experiments.

EXPERIMENT 92.3fm - ACCELERATION/DECELERATION

Earlier this year, with the unwanted assistance of my son (adult, Pataphysical Philosophy student, 2nd year Freshman) the effects of rapid acceleration and deceleration were tested on a 1988 Dodge Aries. The test vehicle was piloted down a straight road in excess of the legal posted speed limit but beneath the speed of sound (unposted). Acceleration was assumed to be the result of a V6 internal combustion engine and a lead foot, but this can not be confirmed. Flight was achieved by rapid acceleration and a bump in the roadway. Rapid deceleration was brought on by gravity and with the help of a concrete culvert.

RESULTS

Due to the horrible effects of rapid deceleration on the monitors in the vehicle no test results can be provided at this time, but it is believed that rapid deceleration causes safety glass to shatter, metals to crumple and tires to blow out. The assistant walked away only slightly scratched. The vehicle was moved to Knesel Salvage Yard where it was the object of ridicule and insults. The theory that cars can fly has been suggested by many innovative authorities over the years. The notion the a giant hand came out of the sky and caused the vehicle to become airborne can not be discarded, regardless of the trooper's unwillingness to note said hypothesis on the accident report. A replacement test article has been purchased. Further studies will be conducted over my dead body.

EXPERIMENT 92.3FM - ACCELERATION/DECELERATION - ADDENDUM

As the pilot of the aforementioned test vehicle I feel I would be remiss if I did not correct my male parental unit. Although the result of the experiment remains the same, the path taken is slightly changed from the aforementioned one. I followed more of a rectilinear/curving path (it bounced from side to side on the road). Flight was still attained, but I believe that the difference in the flight path could make a crucial difference.

The following solution has been supplied, hoping that it meets the needs of some problem or experiment.

Solution 468.4

Completely immerse a pair of nylon control-top pantyhose (unoccupied) into a can of chocolate syrup. Load the feet with charcoal briquettes and partially air dry using centrifugal force, while holding them with a pair of vice grips clamped to the waistband. If you did this procedure indoors, that is mistake #1. Crush the briquettes using the tapered end of a standard 2X4. Soak the pantyhose in a heated mixture of stannous fluoride and 10W40 until the remaining particles become suspended. Carefully cut the legs off using the edge of a dull spoon. Discard the top portion. It is useless, unless you plan to rob a convenience store. If tried to use one of the cut pieces as a condom, this will be mistake #2. You now have enough material to safely transport your two pet rocks to the petting zoo.

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