The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

Keeping the peace as best we can.
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ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Experiment 36C - Determine the prevalence of push-up bras.

Judging by the amount of newspaper and magazine ads in the recent past, there seems to be a trend toward the use of Wonder (i.e. push-up) Bras. In order to judge whether this is true, an broad survey was organized. Since roughly half of the population is one sex or the other, there seems to be a plenitude of female subjects to test. The study was conducted at a nearby shopping mall known to be inhabited by women. Only women that appeared to be 21 years of age or older were to be included to belay any legal repercussions. After very little discussion and a dice roll it was decided that 3 would be the optimum sample size.

There are a few tell-tale signs that signal that a push-up bra is in use:

  1. Lack of nipple protrusion when tight upper body garments are worn.
  2. Absence of jiggle or bounce when the subject walks.
  3. Breasts riding higher than normally would be expected.
  4. Bust size slightly larger than would be anticipated for frame size.
  5. Slight overt cup overflow.

If all five of the above criteria are met, then the subject is a good candidate for a personal interview. The study had not been underway 10 minutes when a suitable subject presented herself. The researcher approached the subject and asked the interview question, Are you wearing a push-up bra?

Results

The study was abandoned after a brief visit to the emergency room. The investigator received 8 stitches in the forehead after being negatively impacted by a shopping bag containing a newly purchased waffle iron. It was concluded that women in malls do not like interviewers. Further examination may be attempted in the future and then only at a distance.

Experiment 36D - Determine the prevalence of breast augmentation.

The frequency and distribution of surgical breast augmentation, the use of saline filled pouches implanted under the skin, needs to be documented. In order to avoid the disastrous outcome of Experiment 36C, an entirely different method of identification was chosen. The process involves a divining or dowsing rod to locate the liquid filled bags. The researcher walked through the mall, rod stretched out before him, waiting for it to quiver.

The researcher's rod trembled several times indicating the presence of a recipient of a bust enlargement. More than once, when the researcher got too close to a promising subject, he was told to locate the rod into a portion of his anatomy not conducive to its delicate scientific nature. Eventually he was led outside by a mall cop who threatened to call the real cops if he continued his investigation indoors. The study was attempted in the parking lot and surrounding area with no success, though it did locate 2 fire hydrants, 3 standpipes and a leaky lawn sprinkler.

Questions to be answered.

  1. Are women with augmentation subject to tidal force caused by celestial bodies?
  2. Are these women celestial bodies themselves?
  3. Do diurnal tides cause PMS?
  4. Is there more perkiness at high tide?
  5. Do they expand in cold weather?

The following solution has been supplied, hoping that it meets the needs of some problem or experiment.

Solution 468.5

Build a plywood altar using nothing but cinder blocks and garbage bags. On it write the entire Latin alphabet in aerosol cheese. Sacrifice a plastic inflatable doll in the name of Robert Boyle (1627-1691). Capture the escaping gas in a watertight container. It will be needed later. Lightly broil the doll remains between two pieces of Russian rye until the smoke detector goes off.

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