The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

Keeping the peace as best we can.

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

This time we have an experiment sent to us by our estranged friend Dakar Keepz Stalin

Pataphysical Experiment # 6.023E+23

Items needed:

One toothpick (preferably round)
One King James Bible
One iguana, freshly dead
One deep fryer
Three quarts of 10W-30 oil (10W-40 in winter)
One box of matches
The Egyptian Book of the Dead
One pair of bolt cutters
One star atlas
Two overweight friends
One camera (without flash)
One roll of color film, 800 ASA

Using the toothpick and the Bible, filet the iguana. Deep-fry the filets in the motor oil. Discard the filets upon completion, and save the oil. Use the oil to soak the skin of the ex-iguana, and burn it (with the matches) as an offering to Mammon, the Egyptian god of money. Next, separate the rib bones of the iguana skeleton from its spine w/ the bolt cutters. Arrange the bones in the shape of the constellation Camelopardalis. In a dark room, have your two friends ignite their flatulence in unison to take a picture of the constellation, using the camera w/ film loaded. You have now performed two experiments: Can I persuade two friends to light their farts, and how can I kill time until The Tonight Show comes on?

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