The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

My question is about icebergs in the southern polar region. Though you have explained the northern pole phenomenon adequately insufficiently, your answer sadly lacks any comment about the similar, and different occurrences of icebergs at the southern pole.

We have taken it upon myself to expand on the aforementioned experiment but instead of a glass, we used a jar with a lid and the same four cubes. The result proved that if the capped jar was inverted then the cubes floated to the bottom of the jar. We also found that if the jar was not capped, then the cubes floated on the floor. The results of these experiment seem to contradict the Law of Frigidynamics; since in our experiment all cold masses rose to the bottom.

C ould you please explain these seemingly compatible incompatibilities? In conclusion, it is our position that the north and south poles are both the top and the bottom of the jar. Or they may be different factions of the same country, living in different magnetic areas, and are currently believed to be at civil (uncivil?) war. Please see the North Poles v. South Poles document located in our nonexistent database.

Thank you for any help that you may not give us. Our team is currently working feverishly on compiling the results of pataphysical experiment 0Zero0 which we hope will prove the source of the roots of the cubes.

Shivering with Excitement

My God man, you rattle on, don't you?

Ah, always someone who still does not grasp fully all the forces in effect concerning the Laws of Frigidynamics.

My dear fellow in wonderment, the answer is purely simple. Most people do not worry about the Southern icebergs (known in the science world as chillus dixius, as opposed to their nothern counterparts, chillus damyankius) as they tend not to make their presence known up north, and stick to themselves pretty much down South.

This is because they are stuck on Antarctica. This effect can also be simulated by pouring about 0.5 cc of cold water into a chilled glass and quickly adding the ice. Wait a minute, and fill the glass with water. Of course, the north bound pull will cause them to calf eventually, leading to the phenomena you describe.

But, the laws do apply. The phenomenon you are questioning was first studied in detail by the most revered Reverend Dr. Sir Frisken Search, late of the University of Lake Pomona and his sidekick, Admiral Dr. Wilhem Klink. Their studies can be found in the December 1941 issue of Frigidynamics Today.

However, if you do not have access to that article, follow my explanation herewith. Anyone who has tracked the icebergs has noticed that they do take a northern track towards the top of the Earth, but since they are repulsed by a little known force, dubbed by Thermo-scientists as Sherman effect, they tend to mosey around down South until they expire, thus never making the full trip to the top of the Earth.

The Sherman effect was inadequately described in 1965 by Devoid Michel as a vector sum of coriolis, buoyancy, the northern tug, electromagnetism, refractive Kirlian photography, and alcoholism.

You can note that in your experiment, under artificially created environs, ice cubes placed at the bottom of a glass will float upwards. In fact, try this for a better test. Freeze some water in the bottom of a jar. This will be in effect the creation of a southern iceberg. Introduce the fluid of your choice, and you will notice that the berg will move to the top, albeit in a more leisurely and typical motion of things Southern. There you have it.

I hope this will help you in your continuing studies of the world on which we live. Ain't science wonderful?

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