The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet
(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)
Keeping the peace as best we can.
ASK DR. FORTRAN
by Dr. Pascal Fortran
Dear Dr. Fortran,
Why does it always rain on the weekends? It like totally messes up all my plans. And, the humidity just ruins my hair.
Susan in Encino
Beats the shit outta me darlin'. Who do I think I am, the Shell Answer Man? Let me guess, you're blonde and can't tell the difference between meteorology and cosmetology.
Let me see if I can explain it to you and your kind. Light, particles and sound travel in waves. Each has their high and low points. Life is much the same way. If all these things work this way, wouldn't it make sense for time to do the same. Now look at the pretty picture below.
I found an old chart in the lab and doctored it up to illustrate the concept.
This chart is either a cross-section on the levy and river system along the
Mississippi, or a downward look at my secretary after her boob job, or the crud
between Rodney Dangerfield's toes, or a close-up of the front grill of a
'56 Pontiac. No wait, here the caption that belongs to this figure.
Sound traffic pattern in the wake of a man behaving badly.
As the week progresses it goes through a wave-like motion. Kinda like you, on your boyfriend's waterbed. The middle of the week is always at the top. Hence, that's how Wednesday got the name Hump Day. (Please do not use this pattern as a rhythm birth control method.) Since Saturday and Sunday are at the bottom of this wave, this is where all the wet weather accumulates. Weather isn't the only thing that gravitates towards the weekend. Most arguments, murders and unplanned pregnancies occur during this period.
Now here's is something I think you should try. If you turn your head to the side real fast, you can see your ear. Try it. Write me again when you succeed.
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