The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

My husband and I have been married for many years. He now insists the we try something new called annual sex. I think it is perverted to screw around only once a year. Should I submit to his deviant sexual requests? By the way, I am not half-bad looking.

Helen
Troy, MI

Dear Helen,

I have to ask, what does the other half look like? But I digress. I, myself, have had annual sex many times in the last year. The trick is that it has all been with different women. Now on to your problem. Many women find annual sex a pleasurable experience, especially after 4 shots of tequila. This may not be your case, but try the tequila anyway.

After many years of marriage, men become tried, complacent, and have pretty much shot their respective wads. They start to look for something new, different and exciting to invigorate their lives. Buy him a train set. This, in itself, won't get you any more sex, but it will keep him at home and he won't go wandering around looking for it elsewhere.

Now here is what I suggest. Down 4 shots of tequila. Dress up wearing only an engineer's cap and a pair of short overalls made out of Saran Wrap. Fill an oil can with K-Y Jelly and tell him you're there to pull maintenance and service his rod. (A little lubrication on his ball bearings wouldn't hurt either.) Make train whistle sounds every time he parks his engine in the roundhouse. Or if you prefer, he can try the coal tender position. If he stills insists on annual sex, it's up to you whether or not you let him ride in the caboose. Remember, annual sex is better than no sex at all.

And as always, no matter what you decide, be sure to wrap that rascal.

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