Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

A.N.A.L. STARFLEET OFFICER RECORD

Last Revised:
Stardate 9127.10
Officer Name:
BLYNND, Polly Esther (Leeszhursoot)
DATE OF BIRTH:
6018.12
PLACE OF BIRTH:
Froot O' de Lume, Washinware Planet, Dacronium System
PARENT(S):
Disk O. Leezhursoot; Cynthia Etic Phyburr
NEIGHBOR:
Ray D. Keelowaht
MARRIED:
Cottonn 'Fifty' Pursent Blynnd, 8009.39

Born at an early age to the unlikely union of a used car salesman, a lawyer, and a small appliance repairman, she became an enigma in her own time. While in grade school, she had trouble making friends because of her inherited traits, lying and overcharging. She overcame these problems and was voted "Girl Most Likely To" by her high school football team four years in a row. Upon entering puberty, Polly found out she had the ability to hear and to talk to inanimate objects. This enlightenment occured one day when she got her hand stuck in a "Pepsi" machine and she told it to let go and it did.

Later down the road, she had a brief stint as a jello wrestler, then tried a career as a psychic to the stars. This was short-lived when she found out that these celestial bodies resented this intrusion into their privacy.

Was briefly committed to the Harry Mudd home for the Harmless, 8144.39, after she claimed that her toilet told her to enter Starfleet Academy.

CONDENSED STARFLEET RECORD

8212.45
Admitted to Starfleet Academy over the objection of her refrigerator. Was found to have no mechanical ability whatsoever. Put in charge of motor pool. Thought it was a spa for engines. Put in charge of tidal pool. Added "Tide" and caused the Academy sewer system to back up.
GRADUATION: 8499.01, Last in class.
Receives the order of AJAX COMET with Brillo Cluster for clean living as a cadet.
8507.72 Ensign, Communications Officer, DYF-0154 A.S.S. TITANIC.
Credited with saving many lives when she heard the ship say, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" (see Quirk.) Promoted to Lieutenant Commander. Became one of the most sought after officers in the fleet.
8606.93 Lt. Commander, Lookout, EAT-7134  A.S.S. POORCNBEENS.
Demanded promotion to Captain after a meaningful conversation with her night light convinced her that she deserved it. Later that day, while on duty, the hull of the POORCNBEENS was ripped apart when it was rammed by the Klingree Ship KHANOPINNUR.
8607.93 Captain, COK-4323  A.S.S. PHARESKINN.
During the Pug Wars, her ship was captured by the Klingfree Attack Mosquito YLLWFVR. Seduced the Klingfree's ship's computer into believing it was a glass beaker filled with aqua regia, killing all the Klingfrees aboard.
8639.69 Captain, DYF-0165  A.S.S. KASSERINE PASS.
Suffered a setback in her progressuion during the Ubangmee Uprising. Prescription sinus medication, clearly marked "DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY STARSHIPS", impaired her judgement. Thinking a forest was a group of very tall Ubanmees, she initiated agression. Casualties were limited to: 2 Game Wardens, 7 hunters, and a full-bred Guernsey cow. Was fined one-eighth of her total net worth for commanding while under the influence, expired retro-thrust tag, cutting trees without a permit and shooting a registered cow out of season.
8913.06 Major Captain, BOX-1423  A.S.S. KOSTE KAHN.
Earned "Hero of the Fleet" award when she used her abilities and M.I.D.O.L. to locate and keep track of members of A.S.P.R.I.N..
"Keeping the peace as best we can."