In Search of...Spot

another almost original radio play by:
SOB² the UNO SF&F Club
 
© 1985, 2006 by the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

Announcer
Loud mouth and tier together of the plot
Quirk
Admiral and Captain of the Starship BOOBYPRIZE
T
Harlemese Science Officer of the BOOBYPRIZE
Zulu
Weapons Officer of the BOOBYPRIZE
'Bones' Maloy
Surgeon General and Ship's Doctor
Ijusta Olhora
Communications Officer and Maid
Savage
Navigator and Protegé of Captain Spot
Mr. Scotch
Drunken fool of an engineer and Old Space Dog
Spot
Captain, Science Officer, and Cosmic Elf-sicle
Cast Members
Gus, Liz, T. C., and Vernon

With Special Appearances by

Curly
Stooge and Starship Repairman for General Titanics
Panadol
Jazzed-Up Leader of the P-team (Dum da dum dumm!)
Krude
Commander of the Klingfree/Remoulade Battle Fleet
Dave Bowman
Former Astronaut and Current Space Baby

THE SAGA MISFIRES

 
(Begin Devo Corporate Anthem)
Announcer:
The Son Broadcasting System takes pride in presenting, once again, the Not Yet Ready for Cocktail Time Players, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Frontal Lobotomy Jazz Ensemble, in the final story of the middle trilogy of trilogies of Star Yecch adventures — in other words, another Not-So-Original and often plagiarizing radio play presented by the Survivors of the Big Bang — U.N.O.'s Science Fiction and Fantasy Club.

(Fade Anthem)
Announcer:
In 1984, a group of then untried actors introduced here at CoastCon the crew of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet..
Vernon:
That's A.N.A.L.S. to you and me...
Announcer:
Starship BOOBYPRIZE. On that first voyage, they battled the not-so-evil Dr. Who at Darathacon '86, and, as part of an elaborate scheme, killed off First Officer Mr. Spot. For those of you who weren't here, this is what you missed:
Olhora:
Ow Lawsey, Massa Spot be daid! He be daid! Aunt Jemima!...
Announcer:
Last year, the crew of the BOOBYPRIZE helped the insipid Rabble Alliance defeat the evil emperor and the yucky Derth Nader in The Return of the BOOBYPRIZE. But, as luck would have it, and this ship has none, their new weapon, the pharton torpedo, caused massive destruction to the BOOBYPRIZE, not to mention the Derth Star and the evil empire. For those of you who weren't here for that action-packed episode, here is what you missed:

(Phart, explosion)
Bones:
Ok, Jim, now you've done it. You've gone and blown that apparently uncompleted small moon to kingdom come and ourselves along with it. You've succeeded in destroying everything you've known and loved.
Liz:
And you also missed the introduction of our new science officer, Ensign T:
T:
I pity the fool, pity the fool what touch my shiny new console!

(Fade in On a Wing and a Prayer)
T.C.:
So, folks, this should all make for a whiz-bang play this year. But probably not. So sit back while the judges do their tallying and think of all the better things you could be doing right now, like ...watching the Peopl's Court .. or, the Gong Show, .. or, Best Little House on the Prairie .. or, Green Acres .. or, Gilligan's Island ...

(Fade theme)
(Spot):
Help me. Help me, Jim. Take me home again.
Quirk:
Bones, did you hear that?
Bones:
Hear what, Jim? (Pause.) Oh, that. It's just the noises from those three guys putting the finishing touches on Spot's old quarters. This tub's almost ready to get underway.
Quirk:
Bones, we've got to get back out on his trail before the Amalgamation catches up with us. We've got to get these repairs finished quickly. I've got to find him.
Bones:
Relax, Jim, Rleax. Look, from what Scotch says, these three stooges are the best renegade starship repairmen in the galaxy. Why, when we get finished, the BOOBYPRIZE will be in a class of her own. Admiral Niagara's "Edsel" class will be a thing of the past. I like John Delorean's new Covair design.
Savage:
But Admiral, if my recollection is correct, Admiral Nader rejected a similar design, saying it was "unsafe at any speed".
Quirk:
I don't recall any such thing, Lt. Savage. Anyway, these guys assure me it is the best they've got, and the quickest to be built. Don't you realize the importance of finding Mr. G. Spot as soon as possible?
Savage:
Yes, sir. If we don't go after him, these guys have no show. Besides that, I'd like to make sure he's dead, too, especially after what he did to me on Genocide. (pats stomach.)

(Fade in Twilight Zone Theme during the next line, timed to crescendo)
Announcer:
Witness this. Submitted for your approval -- the plight of one James Tyrone Quirk, Admiral of what is left to the A.N.A.L.S. Starship BOOBYPRIZE. His former first mate Spot was flushed into space in our first program, and in order to keep his superiors from reviving the dead past, Quirk has begun a search across space to find the body and utterly destroy it. Driven by desire, he has braved new worlds, sought out old friends, and boldy gone were some men have gone before. He has lost almost everything he knows and loves through the use of the thentofore untried Pharton torpedo. He has brought his ship here to be repaired, to be redesigned, to better help his search. But little does he or his crew realize that while persuing this voyage, they have taken a wrong turn. Join them as they go reeling through The Budlight Zone ... In 3-D!

(Cast demonstrates 3-D as Twilight Zone theme crescendoes.)
Curly:
Nyukk, Nyukk, Nyukk. Alright youse guys, the ship is finished. Who gets the bill?
Quirk:
Send it to the Amalgamation, care of first officer Spot.
Curly:
(Pause.) Oh, I get it! That's the dead guy. Wait a minute while I figure in some more cost overruns. (Cash register shtik) Sayonara!!
Quirk:
These General Titanics guys sure are swift. (looks at bill) And expensive.
(Spot):
Jim, take me home. Take me home.
Quirk:
It's that voice again. Zulu, get us out of here, now.
Zulu:
Yes, Cap'n Quirk. Heading?
Bones:
What do you think he is, a pervert?
Zulu:
No, Doctor. I just wanna know where the hell we're going.
Quirk:
Scotchy has a theory. Get the co-ordinates from him.
(Spot):
Jim, I must get to Mount Delaya...
Olhora:
I's tellin' ya, this ship be haunted! They ain't no noise, Mr. Spot's spirits be in dis place! He come to pay us back fo' what we don' to him! I know what to do! Get me some chickens and some snakes, an' a King Edwards cigar, an' I'll get rid o' that pointy-eared bastard fo' good!
Bones:
You know Jim, Olhora's right. Hysterical, but right. It does sound like Spot.
Savage:
Admiral, I do recall an ancient Vultron ritual where a Vultron may transfer his eternal soul, his... KaKa, to another object or person to be later reunited with his body.
Zulu:
Somp'n 'bout all this stinks.
Olhora:
Sounds like we gettin' in deeper an' deeper.
Quirk:
Bones, do you think his ..KaKa.. has possessed the ship?
Bones:
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the Roto-Rooter man.... Wait.. if he left it, it's got to be where he died -- and he drowned while stuck to the terlit seat. It must be in his bathroom. (Panic:) Oh, no! That's Scotch's quarters now! He must have it. Scotchy must be the...
Ship:
Ding! (Elevator door opens.) Third floor, toiletries.
Scotch:
Top o' the mornin' to ya, Admiral.
(Spot):
Jim, take me home. I must be reunited with my KaKa.
Bones:
He.. He's a ventriloquist!
Olhora:
See, I told ya, the man be possessed! Get me some chickens an' a King Edwards cigar, I gotta prayer to St. Mitch what'll knock yo' socks off!
Quirk:
(Accusingly) Scotchy, you've got Mr. Spot's KaKa.
Scotch:
Beggin' the Admiral's pardon, but I'm not a pervert o' anythin'.
Bones:
Spot's KaKa. The Vultron essence. His spirit.
Scotch:
Well, he did give me a bottle of Vultron Brandy. It's bad, but I wouldna call it KaKa.
Bones:
No, No, not that. His Soul.
Olhora:
I told ya! You bein' possessed by that pointy-eared devil. Git me some chickens...
(Spot):
Jim, I've reformed. I'm better, bigger, faster, and (Yogi Bear) smarter than your average Vultron, eh Boo-Boo?
Quirk:
Listen good, all of you. I don't want any part of Spot on this ship. Let's get rid of him once and for all.
Scotch:
Aye. Lt. Olhora, would ye get me an open frequency an' patch it in?
(Static.) This is Commander Montgomery Ward Scotch of the ASS BOOBYPRIZE calling the P-team. (Repeat.)
Announcer:
(Sound of helicopter) In 2284, seven conventioneers were convicted by a fandom court for a laugh they did not commit. They promptly escaped from the gopher hole of the maximum security prison d'Iberville and escaped in the sleeper ship Biloxi Bay, and went to the outer reaches of Amalgamated Space.
If you're in trouble, if your play needs another plot element and you don't know who to turn to, maybe you can hire the P-team. But not today, because Captain Spot, through the body of Engineer Scotch, has already done so. He has paid them to find his body, and to reunite him with it. Along the way, they found Ensign T, who left the BOOBYPRIZE in search of his immense gold chains sixty five stardates ago.
T:
That be las' year to you an' me. (Pause. Light static.) I'm tellin' ya, Mr. Scotch, if I find the fool what threw my gold chains out de window, I slap his eva' lovin' haid off.
Scotch:
(whispering) I need you. I must get the body soon, and get the KaKa outta here.
Panadol:
Mr. Scotch, this is Col.Panadol Smith of the P-team. We're gettin' there as fast as we can. We appropriated some surplus Amalgamation washing machines which your own Ensign T has transformed into WArP drives. We have located the body, and Drydock and Facemaker are loading it aboard right now.
Scotch:
(whispering) Be careful. I dinna ken how I can sneak it aboard.
Panadol:
Don't worry about that. We'll just disguise him as a surplus Maytag and carry him in through the front door. We'll be there in about five minutes.
Scotch:
(aloud) Okey, I'll see you then. Keep the greasy side in and the shiny side out. Scotch out.
Quirk:
Captain's log, stardate 8765 point 4..3..2..1..liftoff. Woops! (pause) It seems my ship's engineer has been possessed by the dead Mr. Spot's KaKa. I have hired a cracked team of commando spookbusters to rid my ship of the infestation. They are also bringing Ensign T, who has been Missing In Action since last year's program, thirteen weeks ago ship time. Thanks to my new security system, the Pantyless Field, I now know they have Spot's body. I must now keep Scotchy away from it, lest Spot's KaKa be reunited with his body. Presently Colonel Panadol, Facemaker, and Drydock are inspecting the ship. (pause)
Well, have you detected any traces of Spot's KaKa?
Panadol:
Admiral, this ship verily reeks of Vultron KaKa, especially around that Scotchy person.
Olhora:
I told ya, Massa Scotch be possessed! You get me some chickens! I'll take care o'... (gets face slapped by Savage.)
Savage:
Lt. Olhora, we're proceeding along logical, scientific methods. Shut up.
Quirk:
We can do it. We can rebuild him. We have the technology. (Gotcha again) But seriously, we've got the body, and the KaKa. We can wipe him out with one swell foop.
Cast:
(FOOP!)
Delaya:
Golly Gee, Mr. Announcer! Wasn't that swell?
Bones:
Jim, I don't understand your obsession to get Spot! I don't know why you started this!
Quirk:
I started it! It was you and Scotchy that killed him...
Bones:
OK, Jim. I'll give you that one. (Pause. Apologetically:) Again. But, come to think of it, it's been boring with Spot gone! There's no one left to pull practical jokes on!
Quirk:
(Flustered) Practical Jokes!?... Do you mean to tell me that we've flown from one end of the galaxy to the other, 'round Perdition's Flame, through a proliferation of insipid orange Under Construction signs, and gotten my ship destroyed, called the Spook Busters, and forced the audience to go through the last episode and the first half of this one, all for NOTHING!!!!??!!
Bones:
Well, Jim. You win some, you lose some. Besides, we've already had three introductions, and the damn show is almost half over. Don't you think these (looks at crowd)..people..are entitled to some plot?
(Spot):
Jim, take me home. Help me to Mount Delaya.
Quirk:
Scotchy, I tried that last program. She's not that good!
(Spot):
No, Jim. Take me home. Jim, please take me home.
Quirk:
Home? We've already been there, for your Gone-Far ritual.
(Spot):
Take me home again.
Quirk:
Okay, Okay, One more time. I'll take you home again, GKathleen.
Cast:
GKATHLEEN !!??!?!
Quirk:
Yes. That's Mr. Spot's first name.
Savage:
But Admiral, I thought a Vultron's first name was unpronounceable.
(Spot):
Unpronounceable in public. So, you see, what I told you was true... from a certain point of view.
Savage:
From a certain point of view! You exaggerated!
(Spot):
I lied. We have little time. Hurry, Mr. Zulu. By the way, how are the Dodgers doing? I forget so much in here.
Zulu:
But, Cap'n, we're lost in space, er, in The Budlight Zone.
Olhora:
My fairy Grandfather, the one from San Francisco, said when you wanna go home, jes' put on your red glitta shoes an say, "They be no place like home".
T:
Well, it sounds good to me. Beats rollin' a die and gettin' the KaKa blown out of us for the toid year in a row.
Olhora:
Here be the glitta shoes, honey. (Hands fuzzy slippers to Scotch.)
Quirk:
This is getting damned peculiar.
Bones:
If you think this is peculiar, wait 'till you hear the ending!
Scotch and (Spot):
There's no place like home. (Repeat twice and fade.)

(Explosion. Everyone sways and staggers. Begin single klaxon.)
Ship:
Warning! WArP 96!! Warning! WArP 42!! (Continue with random numbers).
Zulu:
Admiral, Negative control at helm! We're like a hot air balloon in a Kansas Tornado!
Quirk:
Scotchy! I see a gremlin out on the wing! Give me that PHASER!
Scotch:
Jim, get control of yourself! I've studied this ship from one end to the other. We don't even have a wing! And AMC stoped makin' Gremlins centuries ago.
Quirk:
He's out there! Look!

(Cut klaxon, Ship Warning)
Quirk:
... Where'd he go to?
Ship:
Space normal speed resumed.
Zulu:
Cap'n! Look at the view screen!
Quirk:
(slowly) My God! It's full of stars!
Olhora:
Whazzat, honey?
Quirk:
(slowly) My God! It's full of stars!
Savage:
One more time?
Quirk:
(slowly) My God! It's full of stars!
T:
Admiral, our position be the exact birth place of Captain Spot. Unfortunately, the planet is on the other side of the Vultron Sun, Flatulencia Combustus.

(Scotch passes out.)
(Spot):
Admiral, there's no time left.
Bones:
Jim! Scotchy's passed out already. We'll never make it to Vultron in time.
Quirk:
What are we going to do? We've got to save him.
Savage:
Admiral, there is a possibility that the information on the Vultron ritual is in the ship's computer.
T:
I already got de printout, sucker. (Opens large computer printout.) Computer says ta get tree chickens, 2 snakes, a King Edwards cigar, a grass skirt and a pair of Maracas. Then you prays ta St. Mitch. In other wo'ds, Fool, you shoulda been lis'nin' ta Miss Olhora all'a time.
Olhora:
I told you! You shoulda lissen to me. James Tyrone Quirk-Kingfish Stephens! You sho'da figgerred out by now dat I know more dan all'a rest o' you fools on this ship. How else you think you keep it runnin? You think that drunken fool of an engineer know anythin' 'bout this ship? Why, I go downstai's, an' I mix his matter, I turn his bolts, strip his nuts, an' ...
Bones:
Jim, Scotchy's pulse is almost gone.
Olhora:
Give me them snakes! T! Wring them chicken necks, would ya?
T:
Ugh. - Squaaaak!    Ugh. - Squaaaak!    Ugh. - Squaaaak!
Olhora:
Oh, St. Mitch! We heaby requess you to remove the spirit possessin' this man and resto' it back to its rightful owner. Git the KaKa outta heah! An' Oh! St. Mitchell! Aunt Jemima! Farina! Buckwheat! Creama Wheat! Amos & Andy! (passes out.)
Announcer:
As Admiral Quirk administers mouth-to-Nerf resuscitation, the whole crew is taken back in amazement at the Captain's ability to open his mouth so wide. And, so as not to bore you with cheap sex jokes, or cheap sex..
Michael:
I may be easy, but I ain't cheap!
Announcer:
...we now peer with our ears into Mr. Spot's coffin where we hear:
(Spot):
This has got to be the worst hangover of my life. (pause) Christine, would you turn on the lights? (pause) Where is she? Follows me everywhere for three seasons, then she goes and gets herself lost. I might just as well be.. Oh, No!
Quirk:
(pause) Olhora, Baby. Are you Okay? Wake up!
Bones:
Somebody get that damn coffin open! Quick!

(Long creak of opeing coffin.)
Spot:
Jim. Ship...otay?
Bones:
Otay? Otay! Of course this ship is out of danger, you green-blooded hobgoblin! No thanks to you, floating about the galaxy for the last eighteen weeks!
Spot:
Doctor, I see that you have not lost your tenacity to fly off the handle.
Bones:
I'll give you a handle to fly off of, you..
Quirk:
Spot! It's you! You're back! (pause) Bones, see how Scotchy is...
Scotch:
Well, I do feel a stone or two lighter. Boy, could I use a drink.
Bones:
He's Okay, Jim.
Quirk:
Spot, are you okay? Are you reformed? Did you get your KaKa together?
Spot:
I am well.
Olhora:
Spot, honey, I'se glad you back. The las' episode was kinda dull.
Spot:
Admiral, I sense danger. We must get to the bridge.
Quirk:
But, Spot! We're on the bridge!
Spot:
Ah, the Corvair Design! But Admiral, this design was rejected as being "Unsafe at any speed".
Quirk:
Dammit, Spot! You and Savage. Always by the book.
Scotch:
Yeah, what do you know, you copper toned, elf-eared, half breed, lost in space, frozen popsicle son of a white woman? You wouldna know dual carburetion from a pair of bifocals! What do you know 'bout the difference between front and rear engine and whether the hood stays on? Who are you to question the way this ship runs?
Bones:
Scotchy, calm down. The mutant's been out frozen in space for half a year! Here, Scotchy. Take some silver nitrane an' we'll talk it out in the morning.
Liz:
What a precipitous development this is!
Scotch:
Alright, doctor. But I'll need somethin' ta wash it down wi'..
Zulu:
Captain! Look at the screen!
Quirk:
So what? It's still full of stars.
Zulu:
No. There's a flickering in the starfields. It's a bunch of ships with croaking devices.
Quirk:
They're appearing! Raise the Dalkon shields and screens!
Zulu:
This looks like the end! An entire fleet of Remoulade Frogs of Prey to the west, and another fleet of Klingfree Battle Sheets to our east!
Liz:
What a bang-up finish this is gonna be!! It'll make Genocide sound like a capgun!
Spot:
(pause) Jim, they can outgun us, and outrun us. Our only choice is to stand and fight.
Bones:
And die? Me, Dr. Leonhard "Bones" Maloy? Sit here and die? Why, you Chlorophyll-Brained bastard! If you were a disk, you'd be floppy! I'm a doctor, not a suicidal maniac.
Spot:
Calm down, Doctor. Admiral, we have a chance to make history. To do what we have never done before. A chance to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Quirk:
Victory?! What do you mean, victory? There are two fleets of enemy ships out there!
Spot:
Captain, in the last few seconds I read your logs of last year's script. Mr. Scotch has nearly perfected the Pharton Torpedo. We can blow both of these fleets to Kingdom Come.
Quirk:
But Spot, if Scotchy rolls another six, we'll destroy this ship, the planet Vultron, and your smelly methane-powered sun, to boot!
Spot:
Admiral, I think I have the answer. We could use a four-sided die.
Olhora:
The fool be right. You can't roll a six wit' one o' dem.
Scotch:
I like it. It makes sense to me. At least we dinna get the KaKa kicked out of us again.
Spot:
It would definitely be a change for the better, Commander Scotch. Variety is the spice of life.
Bubby:
The spice is all that matters..
Quirk:
(pause) Well, it does make sense. Zulu, arm Pharton Torpedoes. Aim one at the center of each fleet.
Zulu:
Aye, Cap'n.
Olhora:
Admiral! Both fleets are ordering us to surrender!
Quirk:
Olhora, but them both on the monitor. Not those, Olhora, the Fleet Commanders! (pause, during which the "pup tones" from Close Encounters are played. This is Admiral James Tyrone Quirk off the ASS BOOBYPRIZE. Both Klingfree and Remoulade fleets have violated Amalgamation space. Your presence here is an act of war. I hereby order you to surrender your wessels, or (patronizingly) face complete and total desctruction of everything you've known and loved.
Krude:
This is Klingfree commander Krude. I admire your bravery, Admiral. And your stupidity. Our two empires have combined forces to once and for all wipe out your silly Amalgamation. You are merely one small insect to swat out of the way on our conquest. I would suggest that you surrender. We have you outnumbered 255 to 1. You have sixty seconds. We await your message.
Bones:
Jim, tell him he can blow it out his asteroids.
Quirk:
Recommendation noted. (whispers) Zulu, get ready! Full power, Pharton Torpedoes! Full power Dalkon Shields! (afterthought) And arm Belchon Torpedoes in case we miss anybody.
Savage:
Admiral, you mean you're not going to surrender?
Quirk:
Surrender? Surrender, my seventh planet. Okay, Scotch. Roll.
Scotch:
Come on! Baby needs a new carburetor! (rolls) Ah! Snake Eyes!!
Quirk:
Olhora, radio the two fleets. Tell them to stand by to receive our transmission, and our rear end as well.
Olhora:
Yazzah!!
Quirk:
Zulu, phire Pharton Torpedoes.
Zulu:
Pharton Torpedoes, Awaaaaaay!
Bones:
Die, you suckers!
Spot:
Eat hot phartons and malfunction, Klingaids!

(Two Pharts, followed by two explosions, followed in turn by cheers.)
Zulu:
Good woik, Admiral.
Scotch:
Dern Tootin'! Good Shootin'!
Savage:
Congratulations, Admiral. In the words of Commander Olhora, "They be daid".
Olhora:
Yeah, Baby.
T:
Yeah. We show them who be who. Tanks to the power of the Pharton Torpedo, we be the new Masters of the Universe. As ol' Bill Shakespeare useda say -
Cast:
"East is east and west is west, and you're all right as long as the trains don' meet."
Quirk:
We can do anything. Anything we want. Anything I want.
Savage:
Mr. Spot, about our time on Genocide.. As Dr. Chapstick puts it, there's something in the oven.
Spot:
Mister Savage, as your teacher and mentor, it is my duty to tell you of the ancient Vultron proverb which says: "Take that which you have brought upon yourself, and bear the guilt alone." Fortunately, I'm not pregnant.

(Spot and Savage go for neck pinches, Quirk physically intervenes.)
Quirk:
Ah, well, a happy ending. We can just cruise about the galaxy, and wait ten years or so until they make a movie about us. About me.
Cast:
(Affirmative responses.)
Bones:
Hey, Jim! You know, this is the first episode we've ever gone through without you falling in love with a new species of alien woman. Better do something or you'll lose your reputation.
Savage:
But, Dr. Maloy, there isn't an alien planet except Vultron anywhere around here. It would be almost a week before we could find some bimbo, I mean being for the Admiral.
Quirk:
By gods, she's right!
Malden:
You're lost in space, no cash, and you need a woman desperately. Who can you turn to? What will you do? What will you do? If you had Amalgamated Express, you could go to any one of over nineteen billion starbases for an instant refund, or instant gratification. Amalgamated Express. Don't leave port without it.
Quirk:
Spot, any suggestions? Any plots or movies we haven't made fun of yet? How about a miniseries? How about T. J. Hooker? There's got to be some material in there!
Spot:
Admiral, there is an ancient Disney superstition which may help. It's called "Wishing upon a star".
Quirk:
Wishing upon a star?? But Spot, I'm an admiral.
Spot:
Captain, it makes no difference who you are.
Quirk:
Yes, but I'm more accustomed to giving orders. I know! Bones, you make a wish.
Bones:
Okay, Jim. Here goes. Se that one -- over there. The green one on the left. Watch.
Zulu:
(pause) Admiral, what's going to happen?
(Bowman):
Something wonderful.

(Oohs and Aahs from the crew)
Quirk:
My God! The view screen! It's full of...
Cast:
Bars! (Chants) Bar-rooms! Bar-rooms!..
T:
Seventeen million, three hundred forty seven thousand and six bars, taverns, nightclubs, and casinoes, to be exact, Sucker, Sir.
Bones:
Kinda reminds me of Louisiana...
Quirk:
Why, Bones, you alcoholic son of a...
Scotch:
Aye. Good work, Dr. Maloy. It's about time we had a good stiff belt. Ah!
Savage:
But, Mr. Scotch, our pants have elastic waistbands...
Spot:
Lt., what Mr. Scotch is referring to is.. oh, forget it. Admiral, even I could use some recreation.
Quirk:
And they may even have beautiful alien women in those bars.
Bones:
Of course, Jim. That was part of the wish. Heh, heh. Ain't I somethin'?
Quirk:
Come on guys! You too, Savage. First round is on Spot.
Spot:
Ok, if they'll cash my back pay check. By the way, Jim. What if the enemy had decided to surrender? Even had we used all our personnell, the ratio of our boarding parties would have been 1.414 men per ship. That's hardly a force to be reckoned with.
Quirk:
True, Spot, but remember General Order 42. Upon meeting an enemy vessel in our space, we must order them to surrender. I was going by the book. But the book doesn't say I have to allow them to surrender.
Bones:
So you were going to blast them anyway, Jim? Why you sly old dog...
Scotch:
Aye, that's my kind o' Captain!

(start Fools Rush in Where Angels Fear to Tread)
Quirk:
Heh, Heh. Ain't I somethin'? Let's go to Tie One On.
Savage:
But, Admiral, where is Taiwanon?
Bones:
Don't worry your pretty li'l head about it. The men folk'll show ya.
(Spot):
Take me home now, or lose me forever!
Quirk:
Now Scotchy, cut that out!
Scotch:
Cut what out, Admiral?
Cast:
(Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo)
Announcer:
Submitted for your approval, the flight of the BOOBYPRIZE. Given a happy ending, the crew, cast, and writers have nothing better to do than get drunk. Not a bad idea, if you ever find yourself Lost in Space. So, if you ever wish upon a star, and find yourself in a bar with this silly cast, beware. For you have just entered The Budlight Zone.
(Spot):
Space, the next-to-last frontier. These have been the voyages of the starship BOOBYPRIZE. Its dubious mission: to create new life out of old television programs, to find new, extravagant alien women for the captain to fall in love with, and to give this insipid group of amateur actors a chance to go out of state and make fools of themselves each year.

(Close theme: Swinging the Alphabet, led by Curly.)
Announcer:
Well, Folks, that's just about it for the crew of the BOOBYPRIZE. Aren't you glad? Be sure to be there when we present our next Star Yecch Adventure, and hear Lt. Cdr. Olhora say:
Olhora:
Would you look at that?!
Bones:
Jim, is that...
Quirk:
Yes, gentlemen, the great experiment. I give you..the EXPECTORATION.
Zulu:
I hear she's got Trash WArP drive.
Scotch:
And if my mother was a birthday cake, she'd have candles.
Spot:
Jim, does that mean?...
Quirk:
Yes, it does!
Savage:
Does he mean?
Cast:
Yes! He does!
Bones:
You can't mean....
Zulu:
I'm afraid he does.
Announcer:
So tune in next time, here at CoastCon '87, to find out what he really means, in: Star Yecch -2: Forward into the Past!

(fade in When You Wish upon a Star)
Announcer:
Star Yecch 3: In Search of Spot has been another not-so-original radio play written and produced by SOB² the UNO SF&F Club. Autographed copies may be obtained from any cast member for $2 or unlimited gratuitous sexual favors.
Tonight's production starred:
  • Derrick Michel as Captain-Admiral James Tyrone Quirk;
  • David Newton on Drugs;
  • Goody Michel as Ensign T, and Mr. Spot and his ghost;
  • J.J. Newton with Sand in his Ear;
  • Betty Eckerle as Mr. Zulu;
  • "Dizzy" Dave Newton on Marge;
  • T.C. Barthelemy as the lovely Commander Olhora and Lt. Savage;
  • Dave "I Feel Faint" Newton on Leave;
  • F.M. Hagebusch as Mr. Scotch;
  • Dave "Pass Me That Discharge" Newton out of it;
  • Bubby Trippodo as the indomitable, incorrigible, and unrelenting Dr. Bones Maloy;
  • Dave "Pie Face" Newton as the Living Muppet;
  • C.T. Tuminello as Dave Bowman and Curly;
  • Dave "I Love El Paso" Newton out in the sun;
  • Baby Doo Stocker as our Best Boy;
  • Dave "Deadly Ninja Throwing Shoes" Newton on Dr. Scholl Insoles;
  • "Rocky" Gillard as teh Fill In Man;
  • Dave "It's My Game, I Make the Rules" Newton, Alone;
  • and me, George T. "Bill" Spicuzza, as the real star of the show.
Our thanks tonight go to CoastCon for allowing us to do this tripe, and our prayers go out to late bishop of the People's Catholic Church, St. Mitch der Vunderanimal. Thanks also to Dave "J.J." Newton, without whom this would never have happened.
Tonight's presentation is dedicated to Al "Crash" Sunseri, and the UNO Physics Club for helping make the last year a Marvelous and super experience. Thanks and Good Night!

(Bridge up theme for about 5 or 10 seconds, then fade out.)

Finis.