The Return of the BOOBYPRIZE

Created by
The Survivors of the Big Bang
 
© 1985, 1997, 2005 by the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

Announcer
The REAL Star of the Show

People from a Galaxy a Bit Too Close to Home

Scoot Seersucker
Mounti Knight, Rider of Smedley, the white horse
Leather Corinthian
Rich Fireman and Intergalactic Fat Cat
Khan Solo
Space Pirate and Intergalactic Coffee Bean
Delaya Orgasma
Beautiful Princess and Intergalactic Dip
Obi-Ben Cartwright
Interrgalactic Dead Person Who does not know it yet
Derth Nader
Emperor's Protegee and Intergalactic yucky person
Emperor
Intergalactic Evil Person and Derth's Mentor
U2Me3, CU2Later
Robots and Intergalactic Headaches
Chewie Terbacca
Intergalactic Large Furry Person
Awacs
Intergalactic Small Furry Persons
Beaver Cleaver
Intergalactic Small Whiz Kid
Mr. Wizard
Intergalactic Large Whiz Kid
Tonto
Leather's Sidekick and Intergalactic Strawman

Crew and other Denizens of the Boobyprize

Forrest
Intercalactic April Fool and Weird Voice
James Tyrone Quirk
Admiral and Captain of the BOOBYPRIZE
Ensign T
New Harlemese Science Officer of the BOOBYPRIZE
Mr. Zulu
BOOBYPRIZE's Weapons Officer
Ship
The Starship BOOBYPRIZE's Computer
Dr. Bones Maloy
Surgeon General and Ship's Doctor
Mongomery W. Scotch
WArP Monkey and Designer of Pharton Torpedo
Olhora
Communications Officer and Maid
Savage
Navigator and Bellows
 
(Theme: Victory at Sea)
Announcer:
The Son Broadcasting System once again takes pride in presenting the Not Yet Ready for Cocktail Time Players, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Frontal Lobotomy Jazz Ensemble, in yet another not-so original radio play written by the University of New Orleans Science Fiction and Fantasy Club. The part of Tonto is closed captioned for the hearing impaired. No funding whatever was provided by the Mobil Corporation and/or your local PBS station.
 
Well, ladies and gents, last year at this time, this noble group of actors introduced the crew of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starship BOOBYPRIZE. We showed the crew doing battle with the not-so-evil Doctor Who at DarathaCon '86. In the end we killed off first mate Mr. Spot. For those of you who weren't there, this is what you missed:
Olhora:
Oh Lawsey, Mr. Spot be daid! Oh, Buckwheat! Oh, Creama Wheat! Oh, Farina! Aunt Jemima!
Announcer:
As you can see, last year we suspended our respect for Star Trek. You're in for it this year, because we show no respect for Star Wars. Join us as we Return to Just Yesterday, in a Galaxy a Bit Too Close to Home...
 
(Start Theme: Chattanooga Choo Choo)
Announcer:
The Return of the BOOBYPRIZE, the middle story of the middle trilogy of trilogies, which dares to chronicle the flight of the Rabble Alliance to free galactic control from evil yucky people, and to restore truth, justice, and the freedom to fly you starship anywhere you want without having to worry about coming out of hyperspace into the asteroid remains of the home planet of a beautiful princess.
So far in our story, Scoot Seersucker, our hero, has been trained by Obi-Ben Cartwright, the second to last Mounti Knight, and by Yogurt, the little green guy with pointy ears who is the Mounti Master. Scoot now knows the ways of the Horse. (whinny) With a new hope after an initial victory, the alliance is devastated as the empire strickes back. But, under the direction of leader Princess Delaya Orgasma, the Rabble have regrouped and are ready to fight. However, Delaya must first rescue the heroic Khan Solo, who has been freeze-dried by the insidious Dr. Folger, sold to Slobba the Mutt, vacuum-packed and put in a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar kept on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today.
With her robot servants, U2Me2 and CU2Later, Delaya sets out for Polypropylene, home planet of Scoot, and kitchen base of Slobba the Mutt, where she has miraculously reconstituted Khan Solo, who was being kept in the mysterious Last Cabinet on the Left. (Gasp)
But, as fate would have it, Slobba the Mutt stumbled on to the rescue and bound the rascally rabbles over to be used as part of his insidious Plan Nine: to voyage to see what is on the bottom of an Arakeen sandworm. And, as in all good adventure stories (and this one, too), our hero, Scoot Seersucker, comes to the rescue. He has hijacked the Polypropylene Choo Choo, and is presently driving it through Slobba's kennel. We pick up our story as Scoot says:
 
(Train whistle, air brakes)
Scoot:
Delaya! Khan! Never fear! 'Tis I, Scoot Seersucker, last of the Mounti Knights, with the rich Leather Corinthian, who have come to save you!
Leather:
All Aboard!
Scoot:
Khan! Who's coming?
Khan:
All of us, U2Me2, and CU2Later!
Delaya:
Why, where are you going?
Khan:
No, schweetheart. I'm caling those to tin-pated soldiers with delusions of godhood.
Leather:
Heah. Ya'll grab these blazers an' try to defend this train, whilst and at the same time, I and Scoots 'll try to get this thing goin' again.
 
(Begin sounds of blazer and gun fight. They last until the train leaves.)
Delaya:
But, how are we ever going to escape his evil paws? Hurry, Scoot!
Scoot:
I'm trying, Delaya, I'm trying. I can't seem to find the starty thing. Who do you think I am, James Doohan?
Obi-Ben:
Use the Horse, the Horse, Scoot.
Delaya:
Scoot, try this..oh..no..no, this!!
Scoot:
On Smedley!!
 
(Whinny, hoofbeats, sound of train leaving. Blazer fight becomes sporadic and ceases.)
Leather
Shovel all the coal in, gotta keep it rollin'. (woo woo!) Polypropylene, here you are. Next stop, the ALUMINIUM LEMMING!
Announcer:
Meanwhile, as our heroes head to the Rabble base on board the ALUMINIUM LEMMING, the yucky Derth Nader is informing the evil emperor of his plans to defeat the Rabble Alliance when...
Derth:
Sire, I have a fool-proof plan for those plan-proof fools. I've tricked them into believing that the base is not complete. They will try to attack it after they destroy the force field on the planet below.
Emperor:
How can they possibly think it's unfinished?
Derth:
I have cleverly dispersed inipid orange "Under Construction" signs all over this sector.
Emperor:
We must get Seersucker. He will ride the Dark Horse, or di-i-ie!
Derth:
He knows who I am. He will come to me. It's Father's Day. By the way, here's your tie.
Announcer:
Meanwhile, it's Father's Day all over the Galaxy. Princess Delaya cannot figure out why her father, King Siza Orgasma, has returned the tie she gave him. The Rabbles are preparing their attack, when...
Khan:
I, Khan Solo, along with Scoot, Delaya, and the 'Bots, will go to the apparently safe environs of the planet of Outdoor, where Scoot will use the Horse to tear down the force field generator. Leather Corinthian, on the other hand, will be glad to lead the suicidal attack to blow up the Derth Star.
Scoot:
Sounds great to me Khan! Delaya, are you coming?
Delaya:
Not yet, Scoot, not yet!
Announcer:
At last, our heroes, the Rabble Alliance, prepare for their inane, suicidal, senseless, and totally stupid and futile attack on the Derth Star, further complicated by the proliferation of insipid orange signs dispersed through space like electrons in a cloud.
Meanwhile, back at the Pnderosa, Hoss and Little Joe are out back mending fences, and Obi-Ben is in the barn feeding Alpo to his seven year old horse (that's forty-nine to you and me). And we find Scoot, Delaya, Khan, and the 'bots U2Me2 and CU2Later..
Delaya:
Why, where are you going, Mr. Announcer?
Announcer:
Nowhere, sweetheart... on the surface of the planet Outdoor, when...
Scoot:
Khan, why did you have to bring Terbacca the Rookie on ths mission?
Khan
I don't know. He's griping something about having to bring his grandfather a tie, and you know how a Rookie is when he doesn't get his way.
Delaya:
I don't know, I think he's kinda cute. Sorta reminds me of these cute little cuddly creatures wearing women's army uniforms with practical pumps, who have surrounded us and are holding separs at our throats.
Khan:
I have a funny feeling about this.
U2Me2:
Beep bop bork glitch @*?**@@)(?!!
CU2Later:
I agree with you completely, U2. He-e-e-e-llppppp!!!
Chewie:
Rooowwwwrrr!
Scoot:
What did Chewie say?
Khan:
Somethin' about "Don't shoot, Aunt Muriel. It's me, Chewie Terbacca, your long lost nephew."
 
(Sound of cheering AWACs)
Announcer:
Well, ladies and gents, it seems our insipid band of incompetent heroes have somehow bumbled their way into finding the only intelligent life on the planet Outdoor, the notorious Panatella clan of AWACs, which just so happen to be the long lost kin of Khan Solo's chief mate, chamois, and pet, Terbacca the Rookie.
Beaver:
Mr. Wizard, isn't Terbacca kinda tall to be related to the AWACs?
Mr. Wizard:
Well, Beave, it is true that AWACs, or Rookies to you and me, are born with an average height of three point one four one five nine two six meters tall. But, since their home planet, Outdoor, is a tropical rain forest, it has the normal effect of constantly pouring scalding water on carpeting.
Beaver:
Oh! That's easy as pie. They shrink with age until they become cute little cuddly creatures wearing women's army uniforms with...
Announcer:
And now that Beaver Cleaver has successfully deduced the reasons for the booming slave trade between the planet Outdoor and the Mattel system, we can now return you to our insipid band of reckless rabble, who are in the village of Lucky Strike, which is illuminated this evening by Kool Salem Lights in celebration honoring the town fathers, King Edward and Prince Albert, who just happen to be Terbacca's Grandfather and father, respectively. Terbacca has presented them with their official Galactic Father's Day ties, and has convinced them also that the insipid band are friends, not enemies. This frees Scoot to follow his mission, which is to meet and battle his father, the yucky Derth Nader, for control of the galaxy, and to give him a tie.
Delaya:
But Gee, Mr. Announcer, you've told the whole story. There's nothing left for us to say.
Announcer:
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Delaya has surprisingly and correctly deduce that I am the star of this show. But, will she be surprised when...
Scoot:
Delaya, come here. I have something to tell you.
Delaya:
Yes? I'm coming. Hold your Horse. What is it now?
Scoot
I must get to the Derth Star to do battle with the yucky Derth Nader. I must defeat our father.
Delaya:
Scoot, does this mean?
Scoot
Yes, it does!
Delaya:
But Scoot!..
Scoot
Delaya, we are identical twins!!
Delaya:
But Scoot, that's impossible. You're a boy and I'm a..
Scoot
You underestimate the power of the Horse.
Delaya:
Scoot, do you realize that?...
Scoot
Yes, you'll have to marry Khan Solo now. I realize that this may be a death worse than fate, but it is a far better thing you do than I have ever done before. Remember, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Delaya:
Or the one?
Scoot
Yes.
Announcer:
As our heroes absent-mindedly babble lines carefully plagiarized from every movie of the last 20 years, we look down on Dodge City and find Festus looking for Matt Dillon, who happens to be engaged in an illegal card game in which Miss Kitty is the prize. But, since this has no relevance whatsoever to our storyline so far, we find ourselves aboard the ALUMINIUM LEMMING, the command ship of the rag tag fugitive fleet of offensive Rabble ships trying to make their way through the proliferation of insipid orange signs dispersed through space like electrons in a cloud, when...
Tonto:
Excuse me, Kemosabi Corinthian, Sir.
Leather:
Well, Tonto, what can I do for you now?
Tonto:
Tonto have ear on subspace radio. Learn Scoot Seersucker captured by yucky Derth Nader and is on Derth Star. Now Khan Solo says can't blow up cumbersome shield generator, since Bozo Seersucker took all explosives with him. Now we never find way thorugh proliferation of insipid orange signs dispersed through space like electrons in cloud.
Leather:
Is that all you have to tell me, bad news?
Tonto:
Am also receiving funny message on radio.
Leather:
Well, Tonto, switch to tactical and put it on the monitor.
Forrest:
Space, the next-to-last frontier. These are the never-ending voyages of the starship BOOBYPRIZE..
Leather:
Holy Mackerel, Andy!! I'ts the BOOBYPRIZE! We're saved!!
Tonto:
Kemosabi, what is booby prize?
Leather:
That's what you get for coming in last place in a costume contest.
Announcer:
What's this? Do you know what the BOOBYPRIZE is doing in a Star Wars parody? Let's go to the Derth Star and see if we can find some answers.
Derth:
Ah, I see Obi-Ben has taught you well. I see also that you have constructed your own Lite Saber.
Scoot:
Yes, Dad, It's less filling, with a third less calories than your regular saber.
Derth:
My son, you must ride the Dark Horse with me, whilst and at the same time ruling the galaxy and tap-dancing in a vat of three week old oatmeal.
Scoot:
Father, I must'nt! Not for anything!
Derth:
Then, you shall die.
Scoot:
Well...Maybe if you make it Trix...
Derth:
No, my rascally Rabble. Trix are for kids.
Emperor:
EEEE-IIIIIII-EEEEE!!!!!!!!
Derth:
I wonder why the Emperor just commited suicide?
Scoot:
Well, either it was that last joke, or...Look! Out There!
Derth:
Where?
Scoot:
Out there! That-a-way! (Strikes Nader with Lite Saber) Aha! Got you! Gee Willikers! It's the BOOBYPRIZE! I'm saved!
Derth:
(Gasp, cough, wheeze) What's a booby prize?
Scoot:
Why, father, that's what you get for coming in last place in a costume contest.
Derth:
(Tubercular wheeze) Scoot, look upon the face of your father, Polyester Seersucker. And get your foot off my throat. (slightly less wheezing) My son, it's a far, far better thing you do than I have ever done. It's a far better rest that I go to than I have ever known. Obi-Ben really keeps a nice heaven. Besides, I can always visit you in the sequels, and the residuals are great. (Gasp!)
Scoot:
Good! He's Dead! Now to get out of —Oops! I almost forgot! Here's your tie, Dad! — On, Smedley!!
 
(Whinny, clopping of hooves)
Announcer:
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the yucky Derth Nader has finally bought the big one. That's right, he's kicked the bucket, he's pushing up daisies, danced his last dance, bought the farm, in ohter words, he croaked.
Meanwhile, Scoot has escaped the planet Outdoor with hopes that someone with guts will blow up the Derth Star. Meanwhile, back on the planet Outdoor, we find Delaya and Khan fooling around when...
Khan:
Delaya, I think I spotted a leopard!
Delaya:
Don't be silly, Khannykins. The come that way!
Khan:
Oh, I tell ya, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Not even from Delaya. Why, last night I asked an AWAC where to find some action on a jungle planet, and he sent me to Delaya's hut. Oh, I tell ya, it's rough. A rough planet. Really rough.
Cast:
How rough is it??
Khan:
Why, just last night, I show an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. But anyway, we went to get the...
Delaya:
It's a plan...It's a bird...Up in the Sky...Look, Khan!
Khan:
It's the BOOBYPRIZE! We're saved!
Chewie:
OO-AArGH!!
Khan:
What's the BOOBYPRIZE? I don't know, Chewie. CU2Later...
Delaya:
Why, where are you going?
Khan:
Nowhere, stupid. Hey! You tin-pated soldier with delusions of godhood... what's the BOOBYPRIZE?
CU2Later:
Sire, the BOOBYPRIZE is an Edsel Class heavy cruiser type starship designed by the most revered Hiawatha L. Niagara, Admiral of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet (that's ANALS to you and me). She is best known as the only starship to ever single-handedly defeat an entire starfleet squadron, even though it was her own squadron she displaced into the ether. She comes from just tomorrow, in a galaxy a bit too close to home.
Announcer:
Well, now we know what the BOOBYPRIZE is, but we still have no idea what in the galaxy it's doing in this radio play. Meanwhile, we join our regularly scheduled program already in progress aboard the ALUMINIUM LEMMING where Tonto asks:
Tonto:
Now Tonto know what BOOBYPRIZE is. What is doing here, is question unanswered.
Leather:
Well, Tonto, now that you ask, it is my duty to you and the audience to elaborate upon this most sanctimonious subject. You see, folks, the chief engineer on the BOOBYPRIZE is Commander Montgomery Ward Scotch, an old drinkin' buddy o' mine, and the inventor of the always deadly, but sometimes silent, Pharton Torpedo, which is capabable of destroying any material within a hundred kilometer radius surrounding the epicenter.
Tonto:
But, General Kemosabi Corinthian, this epic has no center, much less beginning or end.
Leather:
Tonto, I cannot and will not subscribe to your interpretation of these here events. Instruct our rag-tag fugitive fleet of offensive rabble to perform the Ward Bond maneuver.
Tonto:
Pardon, Kemosabi?
Leather:
Tell 'em to form a circle and get the hell out of here!
Tonto:
Ae, Aye, Kemosabi.
Announcer:
Well, folks, now we think we know what purpose the BOOBYPRIZE will serve in this program. But: Why is she here? What insane mission could have brought such an infamous starship to the aid of the insipid Rabble Alliance? And, more important, how will all this information affect the sex lives of rabid Irish cattle? We'll have all these answers, sports, and weather coming up next aboard the Starship BOOBYPRIZE.
Delaya:
But gee, Mr. Announcer, that' means we've been written completely out of the script!
Announcer:
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Delaya has once again surprisingly and correctly deduced that she and the rest of the Rabble Alliance have been used like pawns in a chess gamein order for the writers to join together the first and last stories in the middle trilogy of trilogies, to create life out of old television programs, and to revive interest in something that should have died here, last year.
Quirk:
Captain's log, stardate eighty six ninety nine point nil zip naught. We are apparently in orbit around a presently uncompleted small moon just north of the planet of Outdoor. My information leads me to believe that Mr. Spot may still be alive and aboard the Derth Star ahead. However, our approach is being impeded by a proliferation of insipid orange signs dispersed through space like electrons in a cloud. We would have arrived here sooner, and saved the audience from the preceding tripe, had we not stopped on the planet of Harlem to receive our new science officer, Ensign T.
T:
I pity the fool, pity the fool what touch my shiny new console!
Quirk:
Zulu, are all weapons ready?
Zulu:
Yes, Captain Quirk.
Bones:
Dammit, Jim. Spot is dead. You heard him drown last year while stuck to the terlit seat. You yourself flushed him into space on the last program. Isn't it enough that you've got the BOOBYPRIZE? We can go anywhere we want, even where no man has gone before.
Quirk:
He tasks me, Bones. He tasks me, and I shall have him.
Bones:
Jim, all you're worried about is one schmuck science officer turned cosmic Elf-sicle. We're talkin' Universal Armageddon!! The pharton torpedo has totally random explosive power. If Scotch rolls another six, we'll wipe out half the damn galaxy and ourselves along with it! This could be worse than when your predecessor, Captain Crystalline Spike, rolled a six with a Corbomite bomb and displaced his entire squadron into the ether! Do you have any idea what the chances of rolling a six are?
Quirk:
Ensign T?
T:
It's the same as rolling a one, sucker.
Bones:
But Jim, this ship is jinxed..
Quirk
Bones, I'll chase him 'round the moons of Nebir, 'round the Antares Maelstrom, and 'round Perdition's Flame before I give him up for dead!!
Bones:
But Jim, that isn't orange Charmin we've been following out here. It's "Under Construction" signs!
Zulu:
Admiral, we are now in range, having passed throuh the proliferation of insipid orange signs dispersed through space like electrons in a cloud.
Quirk
Bones, are you with me?
Bones:
Yeah, why not? The least we can do is to help out that insipid band of rascally rabbles as they attempt to free galactic control from the hands of evil yucky people, and to restore truth, justice, and the freedom to fly you starship anywhere you want without having to worry about coming out of hyperspace into the asteroid remains of the home planet of a beautiful princess.
Quirk:
Did someone say beautiful princess?
T:
Admiral, her name be Delaya Orgasma, sucker.
Quirk:
Delaya..Orgasma..Oh, well. (pregnant pause) Never mind. Scotchy, roll. (pause) Damn! a six! Instant Tea, er..Ensign T, do you know what this means?
T:
Yeah. We gonna hafta watch reruns of Roy Rogers and dat fool Gabby Hayes fo' t'ree weeks straight.
Quirk:
No, you fool! It means to prepare this ship for damage. Scotchy...
Scotch:
Ach, Cap'n. Go ahead. Jim, you always manage to tear the old girl apart, limb from limb, bold from nut, washer from dryer, dilithium crystal from..
Quirk:
(sharply) Bones, sedate that man.
Maloy:
Okay, Jim. I hate to tell you I told you so, but...
Quirk:
Go ahead, Bones. Say it. Make my day. Zulu, fire pharton torpedoes, Lt. Savage, count down time to impact.
Zulu:
Parton torpedoes Awaaaay!
Savage:
Time to impact..four seconds..three..two..one..impact.
 
(phart, explosion, klaxon)
Ship:
Warning! Near total destruction of starship! (repeat)
Quirk:
Olhora, turn off that damn noise.
Olhora:
Cap'n! I can't stop it, I can't stop it! I don't know nothin' 'bout shuttin' off no alarm.. ..and I don't do windows!!
T:
Here, hnoey, I'll show you how to do dat. (Rips fire switch from the wall.) (Looks down.) My chains! My chains! My chains be gone! (Leaps out through pharton-induced moon roof inot deep space.)
Maloy:
Okay, Jim. NOW you've done it. You've blown that apparently uncompleted small moon to kingdom come, and this god-forsaken ship along with it. All we've got left is compost power and your damned chair with tribble fur under the cushion. All the rest of the crew is holding on to the open beams!
Quirk:
Dammit, Bones! Who told you to give the status report? You're a doctor not a science officer! What makes you think you can survey the entire ship??
Maloy:
Well, you killed off Spot, Ensign T is off chasing his gold chains into the next quadrant, you made me put Scotch under, and Lt. 'Lungs' Savage is inflating the emergency shuttlecraft. Who the hell is left? And what do you mean survey the ship? I can see through the ship! There's nothing left to survey!
Quirk:
Wa-a-ait a minute. I killed off Spot? That was you, and Scotchy...
Maloy:
Okay, Jim. I'll give you that one. Again. But..
Quirk:
(sedateley) My god, Bones. What have I done?
Maloy:
What you always do. Wat you had to do. Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Turned a fighting chance for survival into complete and utter destruction of everything you've known and loved.
Quirk:
Scotchy, what can we do? What can we do?
Scotch:
(Thinks, then slightly slurred (even for him)) We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We can make her better than she was. Better, Stronger, Faster. And if me grandmother had a tail, it'd be a waggin'.
Quirk:
What do you think, Bones?
Maloy:
Jim, Scotchy's right. Intoxicated, but right. We've got to fix this tub. Now, we could fix her by conventional methods, but that could take years, and cost tens of dollars. NO!! In this case, we have to go all out. This situation absolutely requires a really futile, stupid gesture on somebody's part. And parts is parts.
Scotch:
And I know just the guys to do it. Dr. Maloy, do you and Capt Zulu remember those three stooges we met last shore leave?
Maloy:
Yeah, I remember. The bald-headed guy with the funny dance. The were starship repairmen. And they're not too far away.
Scotch:
Aye. I can put a turbo-charger on the compost engine, and we'll be there in no time.
Quirk:
Okay, Scotchy. Let's do it. How long will it take?
Scotch:
Well, it'll take four episodes, but as ye dinna have that much time, I'll do it for ya in the beginning of the next program.
Quirk:
Okay, Scotchy. You see to it. Olhora, contact the Rabble Base.
Olhora:
Honey, I been talkin' to dem fools fo' the las fifteen minutes now. Scoot Seersucker, last of the Mounti Knights, thanks you fo' blowin' up de Doit Sta'...
Quirk:
Heh, Heh. Ain't I somethin'?
Olhora:
..and freeing galactic control from de hands o' evil yucky people, and resto'in'..
Quirk:
That's all well and good, Olhora. But did anyone see a tall green guy with pointy ears trailing orange toilet paper on that station?
Olhora:
Seersucker says no tall green guy with pointy ears, but he's talkin' with a short green guy with pointy ears and carryin' a satchel o' wargames who said "Live Long and Prosper".
Quirk:
Damn! Bones was right. Olhora, tell Seersucker (pause) "May the Horse be with You".
Olhora:
Yazzah, honey! What do you want fo' breakfast, grits o' ...
Maloy:
Well, what do we do now, Jim?
 
(Begin Theme)
Quirk:
I guess the Elf-Quest continues. Zulu, get us outta here.
Zulu:
Aye, Aye, Captain.
Savage:
Heading, Admiral?
Quirk:
Later..oh! Out there. That-a-way. You know, where man has Never-Never gone before.
Savage:
I fail to comprehend.
Zulu:
He means the second star to the right, and straight on 'till mornin', darlin'.
Bones:
In other words, Cue the Announcer!!
 
(Bring up Theme: Chattanooga Choo Choo)
Announcer:
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess it all makes sense now. The star wars are over for now, and the BOOBYPRIZE, or what's left of it, is off on its mission.
But, what I really want to know is, Just who is in power in the galaxy now that the Emperor is dead? Will Scoot continue to ride Smedley, the white horse? Will Delaya and Khan marry, have children, and populate the galaxy with little rascally Mounti Knights? Will James Tyrone Quirk find another beautiful alien to fall in love with before we graduate, and will they ever get the Polypropylene Choo Choo back on track? The answers lie in our next episode, which we begin writing Monday, entitled:
The Search for Spot, or I'll Take You Home Again, Gkathleen!!
 
Return of the BOOBYPRIZE is another almost original radio play written and performed by SOB², the UNO Science Fiction and Fantasy Club. This production is, however, a lobotomized version of the original not-so-original version. For any of you who wish to know all the jokes you missed out on, autographed scripts may be obtained from any cast member for two dollars, or unlimited gratuitous sexual favors.
Tonight's production starred:
  • Devoid Michel,
  • Goody Michel,
  • Betty Eckerle,
  • T.C. Barthelemy,
  • J.J. Newton,
  • Bubby Trippodo,
  • and me, Bill Spicuzza.
We would like to thank Dr. Jack Stocker for keeping Herbie under glass, Peaches for keeping life entertaining, and CoastCon, for sending my mail to Gus' house and everyone else's to mine.
 
(Finis.)