Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet
A.N.A.L. STARFLEET OFFICER RECORD
- Last Revised:
- Stardate 9045.22
- Officer Name:
- FAUHTZE, Rip D.
- DATE OF BIRTH:
- 7:0053.39
- PLACE OF BIRTH:
- Mobil, Exxon System
- PARENT(S):
- Smell D. Fauhtze; Lotza Burpz
Rip was born on the gaseous planet of Mobil in the Exxon System at a young age. She started working
in the Mus-Turd gas mine early to help her parents. She soon passed by her peers to cut the cheese
with the foreman. But soon her peaceful planet was attacked b the Klingfrees, who needed natural
gas to fuel their weapons. She saved the planet by releasing, from time to time, large quantities
of the planet's one natural resource. This release was modulated in imitation of the death
cries of the male pit bull spider. Students of biology will recall that the male usually expires
only upon forcible removal of his testes. The resulting din scared the Klingfrees the F*** off the
planet. When Starfleet heard of this heroic action, she was offered a commission in the fleet, since
they also needed the natural gas for their energy-delivering torpedoes.
LIQUEFIED STARFLEET RECORD
- 6685.39
- Graduated Starfleet Academy; upwind of the rest of the class. Awarded the thirty-third annual
T-F Atomic Fireball Award.
- 6700.39 Lt. Sophomore Grade, Tail Gunner, DIF-1316
A.S.S. PINTO
- Rebuilt the rear-firing BURPON torpedoes system to funnel all BURPON throughput to be put
through the sock/anti-sock waste processing system. Promoted to Lieutenant, Sr. Grade,
with brown tassel.
- 6700.39 Lt. Senior Grade, Chief Weapons Officer, FUP-9132
A.S.S. LEON TROTSKY
- Save the train freighter David Newton, carrying 6000 tons more of missing shoes, table legs,
and golf poles, by laying an insipid orange smoke screen which dispersed the enemy through
space like electrons in a cloud. Promoted to Commander, 7312.39.
- 7350.50 Commander, Asst. Science Officer/Spot Remover, DYF-0151
A.S.S. BOOBYPRIZE
- Assists M. W. Scotch in development of the BELCHON torpedo, by volunteering both her time
and talents to the cause, but receives no official recognition. (unlike her department head,
Commander G. Spot, who was promoted to Captain, 8601.95).
"Keeping the peace as best we can.
"
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