Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

A.N.A.L. STARFLEET OFFICER RECORD

Last Revised:: Stardate 9045.22
Officer Name:: SEARCH, Sir Frisken
DATE OF BIRTH:: 2345.67
PLACE OF BIRTH:: Lake Sardis, Xanadu, Newton-John System
PARENT(S):: Father Unknown; Strip Search

Frisken Search was born a bastard child. He used this to his advantage when he extorted money from local businessmen at age five. At age six, he severed the hand of the school bully for stealing his Twinkie. His first sexual encounter was at age twelve; he sold holographic discs of it for C49.95. Also that year, he invented carbonated suntan lotion. At age fourteen, he sold a steady girlfriend when she turned into a bitch. Invented the erotic fabric named SUCKLON and, with seven cheerleaders, discovered the "Ripple Nipple Effect". He entered the Starfleet Academy 6854.39.

On 7205.69, Search inherited the Planets of Pleasure Corp. (POPCO), a chain of whorehouses. This included his home planet of Xanadu and its moon, Olivia, in the Newton-John System, 7 POPCO planets, 39,396 POP tarts, and an exclusive licensing and kickback agreement with NIL to control all professional sexual gratification in the known universe. This placed him as one of the hundred richest men in the known universe.

CONDENSED STARFLEET RECORD

GRADUATION: 8025.05, First in class, eventually: (competition was rumored to have been cashiered from the service.
8028.07 Ensign, Grade B, Laundry/Morale Officer, SIK-1539 A.S.S. PUROLATOR: Search decreased laundry costs by subcontracting it out. He also increased morale by pimping for the Captain's wife.
8068.10 Ensign, Grade AA-Large, Purser, SIK-1539 A.S.S. PUROLATOR: Perpetrated the infamous "Sale of Two Cities".
8118.10 Lieutenant Jr. Grade, Helmsman, LUX-4712 A.S.S. SABER: With the ship in dire straits, he threw an asteroid at the offending planet, inventing the "Bump and Grind" maneuver. Awarded the Distinquished Flying Rhombus.; Investigated the Vegetable Wars while serving as a member of the "Spinach Inquisition".; Apprehended a malcontent food-stealing church official, and was awarded the title "Defender of the Faith".
8503.02 Lieutenant Sr. Grade, Weapons Officer, LUX-4712 A.S.S. SABER: Developed the Moon Unit Zapper, Duzent Phazer So-silencer, Pinhead Phazer, and Slice and Dice Phaser. Awarded a Gold Pentagram for Insidious Inventions.
8731.01 Lieutenant Commander, Science Officer, LUX-4712 A.S.S. SABER: Invented Vaporwear and Spectrum Spandex while orbiting the Planet Holywood. Search then opened "Frisken's of Holywood".
8722.08 Commander, First Officer, LUX-4712 A.S.S. SABER: Apprehended militant group of nuns known as "Birds of Pray".
8810.12 Captain, Commanding LUX-4712 A.S.S. SABER: Started Coitus War, when the VULVA was rammed by PHALLUS, 8810.96. He was reduce 14 pay grades and sent to his quarters for violating Non-Interruptus Prime Directive.; During the twenty-fifth birthday party of Queen Barbarella, he saved the life and rendered related services to the guest of honor. Was Knighted, receiving the Purple Heart for paper cuts, received the Flying F*** Award for Sustained Sexual Performance in a Monarch's Boudior.; Accidentally obliterated the terrorist planet Kadaffee. He court- martialled himself for negligence. He was awarded the Distinguished Services Sphere and Dirty Pair Achievement Ribbon upon being found innocent.; Ended the Sushi Rebellion when he sent LT Phillis 'Phil" Lasheo down on the Nipponese Ambassador Sumo Wetzler.; Placed in command of the Legendary Elite Enforcement Rangers (L.E.E.R.s), whose mission is to enforce the A.N.A.L. laws and to enforce the will of Admiral Niagara, 8995.39. Their motto is "Succumb or Die".

"Keeping the peace as best we can."