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Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
Is there any surgical help available for those of us who are drastically less endowed in the below the belt organ region.
Tony Smith
Smallville, Kansas
I'm glad you asked that question Tiny, and yes there is help for genetic mutants such as yourself.
Recently my colleagues and I here at the Enos Penvee Center for Organ Transistorization (EPCOT) have perfected an operation that will enhance pathetic, laughable freaks like you.
Our beta test patient for this surgery was a normal well-adjusted Starfleet officer
(yeah, right) who had a fondness for commenting on his own size by saying,
"Ain't no big thing.
"
Our first problem with this patient was educational. He thought that a penile implant was an informer in a prison system. The second was physical. When he learned of what we were trying to do, we had to wrestle the victim, er, subject to the ground.
Anesthetic requirements were minimal. Only two .757 liter units of ethnic Scottish grain ethanol were used. Nitrous oxide was also administered rectally. This was not needed for the operation but my beautiful assistant, Bubbles, wanted to prove to herself Boyles Law and to see if the subject would laugh his ass off.
Using five strong men and a forklift the patient was placed in a position of lateral recumbency on the operating table. With tweezers and magnifying glass his micro anatomy was found and filleted open. After much pushing and shoving a 20.32 cm piece of PVC pipe was inserted into the cavity. Then a new gear, lever, pulley and spindle device of my own making was attached to the pipe. Electrodes were also placed near the scrotal sac to monitor any malfunction that may occur later. After a careful sponge count the incision was closed using several Hefty Bag twist ties.
The patient recovered successfully with a couple of unexpected benefits. When the electrodes are connected to a game system it gives a whole new meaning to the term laptop joystick. Also the unique swivel design allows the implant to function as a low speed power drill and cordless screwdriver.
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