The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

"Keeping the peace as best we can."
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ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

I am a sexually frustrated 23 year old swimsuit model and former high school cheerleader. I have been married for 2 years but for the last year my husband (same age) and I seem to be DOING IT less often. The doctor says my husband is important. I think he's limpid. Is there anything I can do to help him overcome his affliction?

Anita Begwon
Pene Cojera, N.M.

Thank you for writing and after I found someone who was able to translate your letter I can inform you that your husband is neither of great significance nor is he transparent. He is impotent!

Since you did not mention any physical problems I will assume the poor schmuck has none. The first thing I would do is hire a private detective and have him followed. He may be seeing another woman. This might be the cause for his paltry performance in your bedroom. If he is, may I suggest my attorneys, Dewey, Gougem and Howe. Again I will assume that this is not the case. I will also make the assumption that he has not forsaken you for an alternative lifestyle.

What remains is that Mother Nature has played a cruel joke on your husband's flimsy manhood and the only recourse for him is psychological counseling.