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Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
I'm tired of lifting up my boobs every time I buckle my belt. Other than an operation is there any thing I can do to shrink the size of these suckers down?
Dangling in Denver
Dear Dr. Fortran,
Whenever I look inside my blouse all I see is my chest roaming wild and loose inside a padded A-cup bra. It's like watching marbles in a muffin pan. What can I do to increase my breast size without going under the knife?
Dixie Kupps
A surgical procedure is never the preferred course of action and should only be undertaken when the psychological benefits greatly outweigh the physical risk. Either that or they offer you the cover of Sports Illustrated, if you can only fill out the swimsuit!
Ever walk through a department store and look at the mannequins displaying women's intimate apparel? I know I do. You never see an A-cup bra on any of them. Do they ever sag? No, there're all made of that perky fiberglass! This presents women with an unrealistic view of what they themselves should look like.
For those suffering from sag, injections to stabilize the breast have been tried and all have been classified as limited successes.
Building engineers have made recent advances in the development of ultra-lightweight concretes and medical researchers have experimented with them. The breasts are placed in a steel mold corresponding to the shape the woman desires. The mixture is filtrated through a burlap bag (to get rid of the chunks) and injected into the tissue via small holes in the underside of the mold. The material sets up and cures nicely in about an hour. Although fairly safe, several protests have been registered by husbands and lovers complaining of black eyes, broken noses and fractured jaws.
Studies have also been conducted using injectable lighter than air gases, such as helium. This seemed to be an admissible procedure until one of the test subjects hit a speed bump while driving in a parking lot. Her bosom broke free from the constraints of her halter top and flew into her face, thus obscuring her vision. Before she could wrestle them back under control she ended up killing or maiming three shopping carts, two newspaper stands and a six foot by twelve foot plate glass window.
And let us not forget the aerodynamic principles of the underwire bra. Leading
aircraft companies are about to teamed up with lingerie designers to improve the
natural airfoil, and therefore giving new meaning to the slogan, "to lift and
separate.
" Also under consideration are ways to reduce drag, eliminate epidermal
fatigue and possibly add hydraulics to compensate for the various types of blouse
and shirt necklines.
And lastly, in the area of breast augmentation, researchers are working on several enzymatic creams. Since lactic acid is nothing more than fermented carbohydrates, the possibility of controlled fermentation inside the gland to enhance bust size is being considered. If marketed, it could be applied in the comfort of our own home (by whomever you wish) and would come in a variety of flavors. Either that or they will have found a great way to drink a new type of sour mash whiskey.
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