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Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
In recent years I have fallen in love with everything relating to Chinese culture. I love Chinese food (especially that moo goo stuff), Chinese music (whose sound is akin to an overworked bedspring in a newlywed's mattress), Chinese art, etc. I've dumped my solar powered pocket calculator for an abacus equipped with scientific functions and exchanged my Stetson for one of those pointy straw hats. My last and greatest wish, however, is to become Chinese myself. Is there any way possible to surgically perform an ethnic conversion on a person of Italian descent and make him Chinese?
Giovinelli Wong
I'm sorry to say that there is only one known attempt to surgically insert an ethnic persuasion. Posthumous analysis revealed that the procedure had proved terminally nonadaptive for the patient.
However, recent experimenters are been making waves in the gene pool and have heaped lavish praise upon themselves with what little qualified successes they have been able to distort.
These doctors manipulate your chromosomes by using a slant cut to make them shorter and thereby achieve the desired oriental effect These designer genes are then mixed with rice wine and implanted subdermally with hundreds of acupuncture needles. This gives the skin a dignified jaundiced look. Within 48 hours body parts begin to diminish (I hope this will not be a problem for you). The transition should become permanent if you have this done twice a day for the next 2.7 years.
And should Mrs. Wong have this procedure performed or already be a yellow-skinned
ethnic, your children will be Chinese. This can be predicted by using the old axiom,
"Two Wongs don't make a white.
"
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