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His Most Supremely Exalted and Gracious Lord Most Highly Glorious Admiral of the Fleet, Champion of the Empress of Obsidia, Hero of the Pug Wars and Defender of the Catholic Faith Hiawatha L. Niagara was wed earlier this year at ceremonies at the Cathedral of Saint Agnes in the Jeffersonian Sector. His bride is Brigadier Admiral Brenda Eloi, Commandant of the Starfleet Junior Cadet Academy in the Milk of Agnesia Sector.
At a press conference yesterday, Starfleet Director of Information Admiral Ophelia
D'Cleavage made known some of the details of the nuptial. "Well, if you
weren't there, too bad. It was one hell of a blow out. The bride was stunning,
and a few of the guests had to be stunned. All the admirals were gorgeous or
handsome, or both, depending on their sex or sexual preference. And, you had to
see Admiral Bloeda '
"
White Sox
' Groeshrees all decked out like Mr. T.
When asked how this marriage was kept such a secret, D'Cleavage said,
"Well, boys, I was so busy with the war, I forgot to tell you. Sorry. But
don't feel too bad. Many of Starfleet's finest missed the event, what with
the goings on in the Biloxi Bay Sector and trying to clean up Rubble. Even Admiral
Niagara's best friend, Ubi Doitchlan couldn't make it. The damn battries
in the Schaefer went dead again.
"
According to Society Editor Igotta Bleuknows, the gloriously beautiful Contessa
Vanessa and her champion, Admiral Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser presented the newlyweds
with, a private stay at her palacial palace on Tara.
Since then, the couple have been seen at many of, the Starfleet Officers Victory Parties around the Amalgamation, which, went on with abandon, with many harlots and cases of captured Remoulade Stout being consumed.
The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet will present its highest honor tonight at a special ceremory at the Lake Pomona Spacepier Hilton to three of Starfleet's most grand officers.
Staff Fleet Admirals Zbigneu Rheal, Red C. Pedestrian, and Sir Frisken Search are to be inducted into The Order of Saint Mitch at a private ceremony in the Admiral's Suite at the hotel.
Rheal is being honored for his continued unfailing duty to the Amalgamation and to
Starfleet. Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop once said of Rheal, "No matter where you go,
there he is, ready to pick up the pieces and get on with the show
"
Admiral Pedestrian is being honored for his part in master-minding the Rubble War.
Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop was quoted on Pedestrian's heroics as saying,
"What with Red pulling deals like this, who needs Drucker anymore.
"
Honors are bestowed on Admiral Search for his continuing good-will work for the
peoples of the Amalgamation. "He deserves it!
" bellowed Mega Admiral Doitchlan.
"With Frisky, you always can find a good laugh, a lunch and or a lay.
"
Sergeant Major Staff Fleet Admiral Red C. Pedestrian, the leader of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms slaughter of its enemies, the Klingfrees, those now deceased pile of maggot fodder, and the Remoulades, the also deceased collection of zit-pus, told the galaxy of the extent of the victory inflicted by the Amalgamation upon those aforementioned now dead disputants of galactic peace.
Pedestrian, quick to grab the spotlight before the rest of the Starfleet High Command
could sober up, stated, "We have met the enemy, and he is dispersed through space
like electrons in a cloud. Our semi-diabolical plan went absolutely
flawless. What few Klingfree and Remoulade ships that actually survived the carnage
are being retro-fitted to be used as bulk transport ships, specifically designed to
carry anchovy paste. Prisoners that were lucky enough to be captured, are being
transported home via the sub-sonic hospital ship S.S. KYVORKEAN.
"
Admiral Wilhelm 'Mr. Microphone
' Klink jumped in, saying, "Is this thing on?
Oh, good! Look! There weren't enough Kling ships left to haul ass in.
They'll had no choice but to give in to our demands as stated in the Libenstrohm
Letter being sent with the prisoners. Now, as for the Rems, there's not enough
money in their treasury to pay for the war damages and our expenses for defeating
them. If you thought the Treaty of Versailles was bad, wait to you see the details
of this baby.
"
Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha L. Niagara, not showing any signs from his
intoxicated stupor of the previous night's festive celebration, proclaimed,
"Burrrp! Annexation of the Neutral Grounds will commence immediately, or as
soon as I have enough commanders vertical enough to enforce it. I've ordered
Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs and his Porneaux Patrol Ships and Admiral Nuntha
'
"
Bud
' Weiser and 82nd Space Dogs to enter the area and begin procuring sights
and booty, er, supplies. Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop will go in and destroy any
Benford 2000F's that haven't yet exploded, along with any non-A.N.A.L.
ships. Admirals Ittaint Muzak and Rip D. Fauhtze have been ordered into the
Remoulade Sector to blow out, er, up, any of their military bases.
After an abysmally shallow showing for his new GYRO (Get Your Rocks Off) Tour, Mega-Admiral Uberall S. Doitchlan, has giving up his career as a composer of gawd awful music and now become has started to dabble with choreography. He and his Goose Step Ballet Company are gearing up for their retentive production of Swine Lake.
To round out the orchestra, he is looking for a female with a excellent grasp of organ composition and they must have good rapport with other members of the group. Those wishing to apply should appear at the theater, semi-attired, and be prepared to come on stage between 2 and 4 p.m.
FRESH FROM THE NETHERLANDS NEW LITTLE DUTCH BOY NIAGARA CONDOMS for when you need to do more than just plug a dyke CALL 1-8000-SQUIRT
Keep your thoughts pure, your compass straight, and your sphincter tight."
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