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An Amlagamation deep space exploratory team aboard 5OP-8189, A.S.S. DONNER PASS, encountered an advanced race heretofore unknown to anyone in the galaxy but themselves. The DONNER PASS, looking for traces of the Bjornn, stumbled across members of the Swissconsin race as they were beginning a Swiss colony in the Lakeside Sector, 150 parsecs from the West Bank border nowhere near Mahrearo. They immediately established contact with the aliens.
Not long into conversations with their leader, or Big Wheel as they refer to him,
Hoggz Haid, it was discovered that they had captured, detained and dis-membered
former Starfleet admiral Sam "Slimy Dog
" Drucker.
The vizier of the Swissconsins, the Whiz, gave this account of their
mis-adventures with Sam "Goat Man
" Drucker. "We met up with him near our
new colony on the planet Muenster in the Dai Ree Sector (eds. note: located in the
A.N.A.L. constellation Bovinus). He posed as a trader offering us anchovy paste,
yeast cultures and a somewhat derelict starship named the Zocheeheadrun. We
welcomed him and allowed him to set up shop in Brie, on our home planet near our
sun, Kraft. But he curdled our tempers when he was caught fondling a holy Gouda.
He was placed under arrest and thrown into Fort Roque.
"
"Drucker was able to make bail by placing all his stocks of anchovy paste into
the hands of Judge Camembert. But, hours later the local Mozzarella stormtroopers
caught Drucker in a blind alley penetrating the wax of an under-age baby Swiss.
He was immediately arrested, and further charged with fondling that which is
nachos.
"
"Drucker was sentenced to the gladiator arena to participate in a battle on the
high holy day of Limburger, where he lost in record time. The champion gladiator,
Rusty Butterknife, carried out the sentence of the Wheel, using a very sharp
Cheddar. The crowd went nuts, yelling, 'Fondue! Fondue!' as Rusty hacked
away years of unsightly growth.
"
"Rusty then presented the parts to the Big Wheel, who sent them to be dipped in
gold. The Wheel planned to use it for a paperweight, but determined that it
wouldn't hold much paper.
"
"Drucker was bandaged and catheterized, and set packing aboard the Zocheeheadrun,
where he was reported headed for parts unknown.
"
The ruling council of the recently discovered Swissconsin race, the Velveetah, sent an emisary to meet with the Amalgamation delegation on Muenster. Amalgamation ambassador Phil A. Delfier received the ambassador from the Swiss, Monterey Jack, and opened relations over a fine wine and crackers.
Mr. Jack asked for a provo-loan of 100 million Ritz (516.32 ANAL Dollars) from the Amalgamtion to help beef up defenses of their system. In return, Monterey promised to reveal the heretofore Swiss secret starship maneuver, the Colbi Ashimaroo, to Starfleet.
Ambassador Delfier jumped at the offer, and threw in two old Havoline Class starships to boot. Mr. Jack then presented a gift for Admiral Niagara, a glass dome holding Drucker's Gilded Bird.
The high priest of the Swissconsin, Pastor Processtureyesd, closed the first diplomatic meeting by offering up a prayer to the Swiss god, Kurdzenway.
When we last saw him, Amalgamation Lord of the Exchequer, Macon Groeshrees, was
loading up the trunk of his brother's DeSoto class starship with boxes laden
with Ritz, to be sent to the Swiss colonists. "This won't make a dent in the
Strategic Cracker Reserve,
" noted Groeshrees.
GOODY!": SAYS GUMDROP
Doctors here at the Jerry Reed Memorial Clinic announced today that Lady Rasp Airy Bourre', wife of the famous voidenographer and Starfleet Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop, is with child.
The announcement was made by her obstetrics team, Doctors Howard, Fine and Howard.
"Yeah, boys,
" said the black-haired Dr. Howard (as opposed to the bald Dr.
Howard), "We'll be delivering a Rasp Airy Gumdrop sometime this winter. I say
sometime, because those Gumdrops are always hard to get out of the jar.
"
When presented with the news of his impending parental responsibilities, Admiral
Gumdrop let out an exclamation that was heard on the Moon. He said to reporters,
"I'm so excited! I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control,
and I think I like it!
"
Lady Bourré was quoted as saying, "I'll get even with him for that
last line.
"
Admiral Trixis Furkids announced today that her First Officer, General Captain (nee Major Captain) Daphie Dux, accepted an appointment as commander of the A.S.S. FLOUNDER, FIN-5467, effective at Stardate 9426.39.
In making the announcement, Admiral Furkids noted the exceptional service Dux has
provided on her ship. "She could hop around this galaxy like none other. With
her unconventional tactics, she could befuddle the best enemy and drive them porky.
She would meet the enemy, and stamp them like bugs. Daphie can out-duel the
fastest, rootinest, tootinest varmits from Yosemite to Tazmania She'll make a
great commander.
"
General Captain Dux will replace the retiring War-Nar brothers, the siamese twins that commaned the FLOUNDER for many years. The brothers, both well decorated heroes of the Pug Wars, are leaving Starfleet after 60 years of combinded service to pursue a joint career in professional tag team wrestling.
The first question any editor asks (after determining salary, of course), is
"Why is this paper being published?
" Usually, there is an obvious profit
motive, and the question degenerates into how best to make people buy the rag.
In this case, however, it is one of public service. More particularly, the
Drucker-hunter service. There are millions of Drucker hunters out there, and they
need information. We select only the most reliable sightings and print them so you
can find him. Quickly.
Durt E. Landry,
Editor-In-Chief
DRUCKER AND HITLER AT GULPSam Drucker and Adolph Hitler were sighted at the Earl K. Long Memorial Library
at the Grand University of Lake Pomona late Thursday evening. They did about two
hours of research through the Terran Collection, and would have remained
unrecognized except that Drucker donned a Nazi war helmet and began running around
the place yelling "I'm a King! I'm a King!! Every man a Fuhrer!!!
"
He is believed to have escaped through one of the hundreds of flying buttresses
which support the twenty-story tall inverted-pyramidical structure.
DRUCKER AND RADFORD IN
LEICKLEYSam Drucker and Pirate Captain William Radford were seen strolling through the
streets of Mos Leickley Space Station Friday Morning when suddenly Drucker grabbed
a red sensor drone by the antenna and ran into the desert yelling "I'm a
Cherry Hawk! Caw, Caw!! I'm a Cherry Hawk!!!
"
DRUCKER AND EARHART IN MC
N'Sam Drucker and Amelia Earhart were seen at the McNiagara's restaurant in
orbit around the Harlem System near noon on Friday. They were in the last booth on
the left, where they had been eating for twenty minutes, when Drucker ran to the
front of the store, jumped over the counter, grabbed a handful of cheese, and began
running around the place throwing cheese and yelling "I'm a whop'r!
I'm a whop'r!! Let's all have a OOOOF!!!
" At that
point, Ms Earhart hit the snake in the stomach with her right shoulder and ran with
him into the parking lot, where they escaped in a south-bound X-wing fighter craft.
DRUCKER AND ELVIS IN SLY
DELLSam Drucker and Elvis Presley were sighted at the Galaxy 76 Freighter Stop in Sly
Dell Saturday Morning. They were not recognized for almost an hour, during which
they consumed over ten kilograms of fried pork and bakery products and by-products.
Recognition came when Drucker poured a whole bottle of chocolate syrup over his head
and began prancing about, yelling "I'm an eclair! I'm an eclair!!
Lick Me, you hunka hunka burning love!
" Drucker escaped in a puff of logic when
one of the bystanders noted he was too stupid to exist.
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