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Chief mouthpiece for the Planets of Pleasure Corporation, Hi Hardwin, began filing
charges this morning on behalf of POPCO and its employees, agents, detachments and
attachments against former A.N.A.L. Starfleet Admiral Sam 'Screaming Weasel
'
Drucker. As he is still filing, the exact number of charges remains to be seen,
but the first thousand include: Breach of Breeches; Impersonation; False Arousal;
Premature Ejaculation; Lack of Ejaculation; Chronic Impotence; Acute Paranoia; A
Not-So-Cute Paranoia; Singing While Attempting To Perform Orally; Short Changing;
Short Shooting; Short Sheeting; Shortcomings; Short Comings; Making a Left Turn In
The Tulane Sector, Thrusting in a No-Wake Zone; and Chronic Diarrhea.
Hardwin denied that the charges were for the purpose of importing jurors into the
Red Star District, saying "Drucker has done a lot of illegal, unlicensed immoral,
and generally ignorant things around here, and that has pissed a lot of people off,
most particularly those who don't like to be pissed off. More important than
the millions of jurors and billions of credits they bring is the single fact that
Drucker wouldn't dare show his anatomy on a POPCO world again.
"
An alert has been sounded.
K. O. Pecktaight, Attorney for the District of Vienna, today filed over 5,000,000
charges against Sam 'Grunge-Bunny
' Drucker. Included in the charges were:
Littering by Existence; Loitering by Nature; Practicing Vagrancy Without a License;
Failure to Tip (11,512 charges); Parking in the Left Lane of a Public Spaceway; and
4,327,225 separate charges of Endangering the Environment (eds. note: Endangering
the Environment is a crime against an individual in the O'Bryan System), and
Practicing the Violin (with a license, but without talent).
Pecktaight's only comment to the press was "This guy is toast. Dry, black
toast. I don't think you could find three sentient beings in the system where
two wouldn't kill him before he stands trial. I love this town!
"
Lilly d'Field, Attorney General for the First Trial District (FTD), today
planted charges in the Hillary Clinton Hothouse against Sam 'Sinful Molester of
Flowers
' Drucker stemming from his three-day diplomatic visit last year. "We
are quite sure the Amalgamation will deny his diplomatic immunity status. They are
just about ready to deny he ever existed,
" quoted Ms. d'Field. Charges in
the Sunflougher System are not a matter of public record until the accused has the
chance to file a plea, but we received an anonymous transmission on Hothouse
letterhead which indicates that the charges include the following: Carnal Knowledge
of a Rhododendron; Cross-Pollination out of Season; Driving Miss Daisy Without a
License; Bumbling a Bee; Irrigation in Public; Sowing Wild Oats in a Fallow Field;
Plowing a Furrow without a POPCO Permit; Gratuitous Emptying of a Silo; Aggravating
a John Deere; Being Out in Left Field; Transporting an Unripe Melon Across the
Neutral Ground; Graft.
Long lines of lawyers litigated against Sam 'Who does he think he is, anyway
'
Drucker in nearly every courthouse in known space.
Most Clerks of Court were unavailable for comment, but we did get a prepared
statement from Bumm S. Rush of Limbar. "There are so many suits being filed
against Drucker, we've had to open a revolving charge against him. Even so,
unless you are charged at least 10,000 credits an hour, you can forget being able
to file this week. We've got more favors being called in for a place in line
to file against Drucker than we realized were out there.
"
Highlights of Known-Space Drucker suits include: Skortcht Urthe,
Barrister-at-Large for the Obsidian Empress, I. 'Likkem
' Bigg, gathered a
crowd in front of the Juris Marsupius Negrus de Morte and announced: "We are
charging Drucker, that ivory-stealing mooselicker from Outer Thumbsuck, with
Writing Rap without a Beat; Crapping on the Come-Out; Loading Eight in a Nine Zone;
Wearing Penny Loafers; Sale of fine-toothed combs to Obsidian youth; Attempted sale
of fine-toothed combs to Obsidian youth; Relaxing without a License; Illegal
Discharge of a Jheri-Curl; Tugging on Superman's Cape; Spitting in the Wind;
Pulling the Mask off the Old Lone Ranger, and messing around with both Jim Walker
and Slim McCoy.
"
Shush U. Faise, consiglieri for the Campo Sector, trumped up the following charges in the Negro Mano Courthouse: Failure to kiss the ring, Delivering money in brown envelopes; Choking Chickens in a Turkey Zone; Improper use of Fettucine; Illegal Use of Speakers Out-of-Phase; Failure to celebrate Christmas in July; Frequent Amplitude Modulation; Inample Frequency Modulation; Directing a Single Side Band without a Maestro's License; Ordering Out for Chinese on St. Joseph's Day; Block Conversion; Smoking a Concealed Cigar; Carrying a Violin in a Machine Gun Case; and Adding Laundry during the Rinse Cycle.
When asked if Starfleet was going to jump on the "Pound Drucker into
Paté
" band-wagon, Amalgamation Spokes-person Ophealia d' Cleavage moved
her hands up towards her neck and yelled "THIS IS WAR! -- Just kidding, boys..
"
and re-buttoned her tight-fitting bodice, much to the dismay of panting reporters.
"Hey, why should we waste time and money beating a dead horse's ass when the
rest of the Known Universe, and much of the Rumored Universe is going to do it for
us and send us the videotape. See Ya.
"
In an effort to try to find any kind words about Admiral Sam Drucker, this paper sent its roving reported, Eva Distruckshin, on assignment to contact anybody who might put in a good word for him. Before collapsing with apathy she filed this report.
His pediatrician: "Some say it's a rumor, but I know for a fact that just
before birth he garroted his own twin brother with the umbilical cord.
"
His nanny: "I think he's living proof of reincarnation. No one can be that
dumb in one lifetime.
"
His kindergarten teacher: "It would be nice if I could trim his fingernails to
the elbow.
"
His high school counselor: "Even though our school was coed, he always had
trouble getting the girls to come.
"
His hairdresser: "He's such a nice man. He tips me extra when I leave my
blow dryer running in his lap.
"
His urologist: "He suffers from the involuntary suspension of phallocentric
activity along with a progressive disorder of the wimp nodes. And for stiffing me
with my last bill I'd like to give him a radical prostate massage.
"
His psychiatrist: "He seems morally out of the mainstream and unfettered by the
confines of regular employment.
"
His probation officer: "He's a boil on the butt of the universe. Once he
even confessed to the drive-by bayoneting of Joan of Arc.
"
The headwaiter at his favorite restaurant, Chez Monyew: "The women he brings
here are some kind of ugly. They could make an onion cry.
"
DRUCKER AND THE MULE-A AT
GFF Sam Drucker and The Mule-A were standing in line to register for the Galactic
Fantasy Fair at Noon on Saturday when suddenly Drucker grabbed a propeller-beanie,
placed it on his head, and began yelling "I'm a SMOF! I'm a SMOF!!
"
Convention Security chased him off the premises before realizing who he was.
DRUCKER HANGS WITH SHERMANSam Drucker and William Tecumseh Sherman were seen loitering outside of an all-night Nixxon Station last night.
The couple were swilling beers near the pumps for about two hours, and remained
unrecognized until Drucker doused himself in a highly unstable Com-Post engine fuel
and began yelling, "I'm Atlanta! I'm Atlanta! Come on, Bill baby, light
my fire!
"
Station attendants quickly pulled the fire extinguishing apparatus, and Drucker disappeared in a pile of foam.
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