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His Most Supremely Exalted Lord Most Highly Glorified Admiral of the Fleet, Champion of the Empress of Obsidia, Hero of the Pug Wars, High Clan Chief of Greater Scotland and the Lowlands, Most Humongous Grand Pubah of the Order of Water Buffaloes, Hun of Huns, First Merman of the Mystic Knights of the Sea, High Priest of the Order of St. Mitch, Keeper of the Peace, Handler of the Vultron Piano Wire of Mutilation, Dealer of the Mitsubishi Diamonds of Death, Ubar of All Gor, First Speaker of the Second Foundation, Heir to Houses Atreides, Pancakes, and Dressing, Pope of the People's Catholic Church, Chief Elder of the Howard Families, Chairman Pro Tempore of the Knights of Columbus, Guardian of the Sacred Sisters of the Pristine Princesses of the Gilded Veil of St. Tammany, Ringer of the Bell of Tockoes, Eight-Time Mister Olympia, Blender of the Holy Elixir of Dionysus the Stumbling, Douchemeister Du Valkyries, Donner of the Red-Nosed Cap of Blitzen, Master Harper Emeritus of All Pern, Former Member of the Order of Unattached Lensmen, Honorary Member of the Daughters of Lesbia, Grand Guitarist of the Sons of the Pioneers, Grand Vizier to the Court of the Crimson King, Chiller of the Schnapps that Made Olawsey Famous, and Defender of the Catholic Faith, is dead.
Niagara, who served as Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Niagara Industries Limited, the known universe's largest known conglomerate; President of General Titanics; Publisher of The Amalgamation, ETC.; Lead Conductor for N-tergy; Chief Producer for Niagara Entertainment Systems; Le Grand Concierge du Mort of Niagara Resorts Intergalactic; Vintner of Niagara Distilleries; High Chief Engineer for Niagara Erection Services; Executive Chief Master Dick for Niagara Security Services; Final Word of Niagara Toys & Games; Chief Surgeon of Niagara Medical Services; Brewmeister for Niagara Vineyards; Executive Siouxs Chef at, McNiagara's; Executive Manager of N-Mart; Chief Maker of Deals for Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, Smith, Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, Sacco, Vanzetti, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormick; Senior Partner of the Legal Services of Uchello, Trippodo, Tuminello, Spicuzza, Sunseri, Michelli, etc.; Sole Owner, of Huey P. Long Bridge; Head Conductor of the Lake Pomona & Chicago Railways; Chancellor Emeritus at Grand University of Lake Pomona; Dean of Women for Faber College; Chief Distiller, Anheuser-Niagara Breweries; Manager, Chicago Cubs National League Baseball Team; Chief Executive Officer, That Niagara's!, The Hiawatha Superstore, and Admiral Villere's; President, Century 24 Realty; Executive Armorer, Swiss Guards, Inc.; Chief Tobacconist of Hoyo de Niagara; Chief Overseer at Ormond Plantation Home; and Chief Executive Ice Shaver, Hanson's Sno-Blizz #42; was sixty-four years of age.
His Eminence, besides serving as Admiral of the Fleet of the ANAL Starfleet, and Commander-in-Chief of ANAL Combined Arms Reserve Echelon, was also Chief of Naval Operations of the Seventh NaFed Surface Fleet; Lord of the Admiralty of the Obsidian Empire; General of the Army of Schweggman's; Pro-Praetor of the Phalanxes of Pottsylvania; Leader of the Legions of Leibenstraum; Viceroy of the Vandals of Vultron; Rajah of the Rangers of Rassilon; Mogul of the Minions of Minehaha; Headmaster of the Hordes of Haullin' Oats; Dictator of the Directrix of the Draconian System; Baron of the Bastions of the Bathrobe Sector; Emperor of the Executors of Exxon; Sultan of the Soldiers of Shoogar; Ubermeister of the Unwashed Masses of Ubangmee; Fuhrer of the Fiends of Frankenberry, and Cleaner of the Clocks of All Our Enemies at the time of his expiration.
Sr. Chief of Staff, Adm. Red C. Pedestrian, Lt. Sgt. Maj. St Flt. Adm. Guhd E.
Gumdrop, and Sgt. Maj. St Flt. Adm. Dakkar Keapz Stalin stumbled upon the
Admiral's body in a private room in the offices at the Jim Henson Memorial
Command Center early this morning. The three admirals would say nothing officially
to the press. However, Galaxy-Renowned Know-It-All Sgt. Maj. St Flt. Adm. Wilhelm
Klink was quoted as saying, "Is this thing on? OK. He had more holes in him than
Dr. Carl Weiss. Whoever shot him was either really pissed at him,
or a gang of assassins, or a hyperactive trigger man with an advanced case of
epilepsy. I personally lean toward the Drucker Theory. See you later, I've
got a funeral to plan.
"
Mrs. Niagara, bride of just a decafortnight, began to make a statement, but was ignored by reporters.
HIAWATHA L. NIAGARA, Admiral of the Fleet of Starfleet and Chief Executive Officer of Niagara Industries, Ltd. died on Stardate 9430.39 in his offices at the Jim Henson Memorial Command Center, Lake Pomona, NAFed, Earth. at the age of 64.
Admiral Niagara, holder of numerous titles, had served the universe as Admiral of the Fleet of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet for over 32 years, and had been at the helm of NIL, the Known Universe's largest known industrial giant, for the same length of time.
Niagara was the eleventh clone of Hiawatha Alvin Niagara, Starfleet's first Admiral of the Fleet. Hiawatha A. Niagara also founded Niagara Industries, Ltd., when he obtained the sole rights to the patents for all WaRP drive technology. He also initiated the contract with the Amalgamation's predecessors that reserves the position of Admiral of the Fleet for the Niagara clones. The Niagara selection as Admiral of the Fleet is also insured by the fact that all Starfleet officers are given free shares in NIL, whose hefty annual dividends are warmly accepted by the officers and make Niagara warmly accepted as their chief.
It was under Hiawatha L. Niagara that Starfleet has seen the most progress and
victories in its history. At the time of his death, he had almost been able to
remove the stigma of 'Lucky Bumbling Idiots
' from Starfleet's image.
Admiral Niagara is survived by his wife of four months, Admiral Brenda Niagara, head of the Starfleet Junior Cadet Training School in the Milk of Agnesia Sector. He is also survived by the most recent Niagara clone, Hiawatha M. Niagara, and by Admiral William E Dicker, his son who is rumored to have been sired from a brief tryst with the late night club singer, Jessica Rabbit. There are also hundreds, nay, thousands of family ties with the many offspring of the Niagara clones.
Following a full investigation by the Lake Pomona Coroner's Office, the LPPD, the 82nd Space Dog Strike Force, the Amalgamation Royal Marines, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to and by Admirals, the Rhondstat Office of Budgetary Management and the Papal Office of Investigation, an Irish wake and state funeral will be held.
VERNON MICHEL, a.k.a. James Tyrone Quirk, one of the founding fathers of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet, died at the age of 26.
At the young age of 16, Vernon, a.k.a. Derek, was drafted by members of the
Survivors of the Big Bang, the University of New Orleans Science Fiction and Fantasy
Club, to play the role of the hapless, hopeless and womanless Captain/Admiral James
T. Quirk in the radio play "The Wrath of a Con
" at Coast Con in 1984. It was
in this play that the world was introduced to the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned
Lifeforms Starfleet.
Vernon went on to play the role of Khan Solo, galactic pirate, pain in the butt of
the Evil Empire, and secret lover of Princess Delaya Orgasma, in
SOB²'s 1985 production of "The Return of the
Boobyprize
".
He resurrected the role of James Quirk in "The Search For Spot
" at Coast Con
in 1986. as his hapless crew found the body of Mr. Spot and returned his Kaka to it.
In 1988, Vernon became a charter member of Starfleet as the former SOB² gang created the present group, The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms, bringing in his character of James Tyrone Quirk as a Starfleet Admiral and member of the Magnificent 7th Fleet.
Vernon is survived by his fiance, Priscilla, ,his daughter, Stacy Lynn, his
mother, Carol Michel, his brother, Gus 'Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop
' Michel, and a
host of relatives and friends.
Rest in peace.
Intergalactic whipping boy and the man with the golden rod, Sam '24 Carat
'
Drucker last week begged (the now late) Admiral of the Fleet H. L. Niagara and the
Starfleet High Command to accept the resignation of his earlier resignation of his
command in Starfleet.
Drucker, obviously weary from being on the run from various police and legal agencies who have been hot on his tale since he lost his immunity with his resignation, interrupted a training conference being held at the Lake Pomona Spaceport Hilton and Convention Center with his pleas and offerings of free beer. It took at least one billion nanoseconds for the High Command to reinstate Drucker.
Many of the Admirals attending and/or hosting the conference, were aghast with
pleasure at this turn of events. Starfleet Chief of Staff Red C. Pedestrian was
weeping with glee. "Sam's return sure makes life a lot easier for me. We
always need someone with his character and reputation in a command position.
"
Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop likewise was happy with Drucker's return. "There
are certain situations which we always engineer, I mean, er, run into that call for
a man like Sam. It'll be good to have the old weasel around again.
"
Admiral Lady Slong Deray was less enthusiastic, but also welcomed his return.
"To tell the truth, without Drucker to kick around, life was getting pretty dull.
I mean, when the next caper comes up, who's gonna be our fall guy?
"
The lone voice of negativism could be found in Admiral Rip D. Fauhtze. "Look the
guy's a bigger scum than my son! Who needs him, anyway? We could pick on
someone else, like Klink or Stalin, or that pompous little C. Yousetu Later.
PHHFFFT! That's what I think of Drucker. Niagara shouldn't trust him. I
think he's in cahoots with someone.
"
Some men dream thing that never were and say '"Why not.' I see things the way they are and say 'What the F**k??!'
HAVOC" AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!
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