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As members of a nervous press and a much more nervous galaxy looked on, a confident Major Major Staff Fleet Admiral Red C. Pedestrian, hero of the Rubble Wars, proclaimed to the galaxy that he held the reigns of power in the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet, now that long-time leader Hiawatha L. Niagara is dead.
This bold assertion came just minutes ago during a press conference hosted by
Pedestrian and fellow Starfleet Admirals Guhd E. Gumdrop, Wilhelm Klink, and Lady
Slong Deray. Robin Garlandette, Senior reporter for SONwitness News, asked the
group, "Well. guys, who's in charge of Starfleet?
" Pedestrian stepped
up to the mike and said, "As Chief of Starfleet Operations, that makes me the
boss, until we can get a hold of the new boss.
"
This bombshell followed a series of previous revelations so earth-shattering
that it made the Allied bombing of Dresden look like a sneeze from an anemic
guinea pig. Just prior to Pedestrian's stupefying statement, Captain Major
Staff Fleet Admiral Gumdrop announced that the finding of two crack ongoing
investigations by Starfleet's 82nd Space Dog Strike Force and the Catholic
Office of Vice and Extra-Regional Undercover Police had cleared newly re-instated
Admiral Sam "the. Snake
" Drucker. of any involvement in the brutal slaying
of the Admiral of the Fleet.
"Both Sgt. Major Staff Fleet Admiral Nuntha '
" stated Gumdrop, "Bud
' Weiser of the Space
Dogs and His Holiness Arizona Cardinal SanLuigi, have
made it clear that Sam Drucker was probably the second to the last person to see
Admiral Niagara alive, the last being the murderer him/herself.
"
Gumdrop went on to report, "Both investigations have proved that Admiral
Hiawatha L. Niagara died from multiple phazer wounds, possibly as many as
seventy-two from point blank to very close range. Both investigations, at this
point, are now concentrating on who did it, as well as how did someone that
dastardly get that close to the most important man in the universe.
"
Another bombshell herself, Sgt. Major Staff Fleet Admiral Lady Slong addressed
the press conference by saying, "These are the times that try people's
souls. We must ask the question,' Where is Hiawatha M.? Why can't we
find him or his ship. If anyone out there has seen a large, white Bronco-class
light cruiser, namely the A.S.S. AL COLLINGS, would you please inform your nearest
Starfleet office or the LPPD?
"
Deray went on to say, "Let us examine our consciences, and listen to those
voices that are not allowed to speak.. Let us find among us those who have
something to say. And somewhere, in the depths of the unheard and ignored, we
will here the voice of Truth, Justice and the Amalgamation Way. Out there is a
new Brutus, a new John Wilkes Booth, a new Oswald, a new Chung. We will find
them, or my name is 'Peignoir!
"
A galaxy-wide search is on for the successor to the head of Starfleet, Hiawatha M. Niagara. Niagara, the thirteenth clone of the Niagaras, has been missing since the death of his predecessor. Multiple attempts have been made to find him and/or his ship, the A.S.S. AL COLLINGS, last seen near the POPCO planet Big Bang.
Admiral Wil E. Dicker, rumored son of the late Admiral Niagara and the late
night club singer Jessica Rabbit, spoke to the press concerning the disappearance
of his relative. "Seems mighty suspicious to me, what with Dad being knocked
off and H. M. missing at the same time. According to the rules as explained to
me, H. M. has to show up in three days or else I'm the boss. Sorry. guys,
gotta, go! Got some packing to do.
"
Once again, it is our sad duty to report the death of another of our world. Mrs. Katie Stocker, wife of Dr. Jack Stocker, and mother of Daivd (Admiral Ittaint Muzak) and Daniel (Rear Amiga Scooby Doobi Doo), passed from us in early November. She was a good friend, and one of the older voices of insanity that helped launch this endevour ten years ago.
On a happy note, we celebrate two births! Gustave Abel Michel III was born to Monica (Lady Rasp Airy Bourré) and Gus (Mega Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop) in December. And just in time for Mardi Gras, Ryan Scott Becker was born to Kerri (Heidi Heaux) and Joe (Mega Admiral and Galatic Know-It-All Wilhelm Klink). Congarts to all!
NEW! NEW! NEW! DUST-BUSTER STYLE NIAGARA CONDOMS FINALLY! ALL THE POWER OF AN UPRIGHT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND! CALL 1-8000-SQUIRT
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