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The question of who will succeed the late Hiawatha L. Niagara as Admiral of the Fleet and head of the galactic conglomerate Niagara Industries, Ltd., seems to be headed for the courts.
According to complete but unofficial returns, with 99% of all reliable sources reporting, Hiawatha M. Niagara returned to the Henson Memorial Command Center just seconds after the deadline to claim his title had passed. This seems to pass all the titles and wealth of the late Niagara to Admiral Wil E. Dicker, his reputed son, born from a brief 15 year affair with the late night club singer, Jessica Rabbit.
Over at the Henson Memorial Command Center, a.k.a. Starfleet Headquarters, Chief
of Staff Red C. "AL HAIG
" Pedestrian told reporters, "I'm still in
charge here. After conferring with the high command, we have determined that the
status quo is best preserved by leaving things as they are for now. We will issue
a statement in a few seconds.
"
And, on queue, Starfleet Information Officer Ophelia d'Cleavage stepped to
the podium. Dressed in a tight, bright red body suit with a translucent black
bodice which emphasized her great attributes, d'Cleavage read from a prepared
statement. "The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet High Command,
after meeting with Amalgamation Pro-Consul Stocker, Speaker of the Rhondstat,
Hietess Gaz (D-Exxon), and strategic allies, including King Zbigneu O'Bryan of
O'Bryan, the Empress of Obsidia, Minister E. Static of Vultron, and others, has
decided to not recognize any claim to the position of Admiral of the Fleet. We will
await a decision to be rendered by the Amalgamation Courts before issuing new oaths
of fealty. The High Command wishes to serve notice to the peoples of the
Amalgamation that we are presently able to continue keeping the peace as best we
can throughout our territories. The occupation of newly acquired territories from
the last Klingfree/Romulaid incident will continue under the direction of the High
Command. The Klingfrees can count on our continued support, as promised in the
so-called Scheafer Accords, and the Romulaids and the Bjorrn had better not try
anything.
"
This warning was reinforced later, when Admiral Rip. D. Faughtze warned, "No
body better try anything, now. The galaxy's most dangerous fleet commanders
are now in charge, and they may not be as nice and considerate as H.L. was. If the
Romulaids try anything, I'll be the first to roll a six before firing my special
brand of Pharton torpedoes!
"
Starfleet Admiral Zbigneu Rheal, acting occupation governor of the Rubble Sector,
announced today that the Flintstone System, recently captured from the Klingfrees,
has been granted partnership in the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms. "I
got woid dis mornin' dat the Rhondstat OK'd the treaty, an Dr. Jack signed
it while taking his morning bath. what did means is that, I'll let Oilee Slate,
who was elected Head Poohbah by the Lodge, (ed.'s note; the Lodge is the
system's representative body) to take over here in the temporary capital of
Wilma. I'll be movin my command to George, on the planet Astro, in the Jetson
System. I think I'll call it sumptin like the Tarantula Sector. It's a
good place where me and the Nint Fleet will be better able to continue
the clean up.
"
Mega-Admiral Uberall S. Doitchlan relinquished his command of Starfleet's only Dreadnought, the Scheafer-Class SOB-2000 DR. DOO.
The absolutely humongous ship, which brought death, destruction and a rogue moon into the Rubble War and to the Klingfrees and Romulaids, is to be mothballed and the L. A. Frey Spacedocks in the O'Bryan System.
At the decommissioning ceremony, Doitchlan said, "This ship has the honor of the
third shortest service time in the history of Starfleet succeeded by only by the
first version of the Great Mistake, the GRAFF SPEE, and by the DAVID DUKE, which was
sunk on its maiden voyage in the first campaign of the Pug Wars. But, unlike those
ships, the DR. DOO served gallantly and successful in battle.
"
When asked why the Dreadnought was being mothballed, Ubi stated, "well, it costs
too much. We had to strip men from every fleet just to man her for that Rubble
crap. and the battery problem, well, there ain't too many ships like Rip's
that can give us a push start. And, truthfully, just knowing that we have her ought
to keep any enemies at bay.
"
Ubi ended his statements by saying, "I think it's high time to get back to
the Magnificent Seventh Fleet near Earth. That looks like the place for the next
real action.
"
"Hey, I like Niagara. He's been a good customer fro me!
" With this,
Admiral Sir Frisken Search, who also heads the Planets of Pleasure Corporation
(POPCO), voiced his support for the ascension of Hiawatha M. Niagara to the
Fleet's top post. "Dicker, on the other hand, doesn't give me much
business, what with all those concubines he keeps.
"
Reporters for Niagara Intergalactic Press Service polled various Starfleet commanders and dignitaries for their feelings on the two combatants for the throne. The following is a collection of some of our reports.
Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs: "Niagara. That name alone has power. Dicker, well,
a nice guy, but a pampered puppy. We really can't have a guy with his
reputation at the top.
"
Admiral Dakar Keapz Stalin: "Well, if sleeping with the Admiral can get you
somewhere, the women and some of the men will rise up under Dicker. With Niagara,
who knows?
"
Boy-Stud Admiral Eacha Cheer-Ios: "I've known Niagara for a while. He always
has an erect posture, is well prepared for any liaison. Niagara sure knows how to
jump right in when the time is right, complete a job, and leave everybody satisfied.
Wil is too much into the hunt, and in a rush to come to a solution.
"
Admiral Trixis Furkids: "Wil E. Dicker? Sure. Sooner or later he gets the
job done, for him, and for me, that's the key. He's OK in my box of Lucky
Charms.
"
King Intel Insied, leader of the Eyebee M: "Dicker made half my harem leave!
I'll take Niagara any day!
"
Admiral Lady Slong Deray: "Hell, who cares?
"
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