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Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
How can I put the fun and excitement back into my marriage while at the same time not worry about my husband getting me pregnant?
Anxious in Avondale
Try the Three L's. Leather, Lace and Lingerie. You might also dress yourself up as a giant banana split, complete with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry. Gee, all of a sudden I'm real hungry. Plastic sheeting is recommended.
There are also some products on the market that may help him and definitely will aid you in any bedroom activity you may wish to engage in. It is rarely that I promote a product (at least not without a large endorsement fee), but I recommend you try two of the many varieties of Niagara Condoms.®
First test the new inflatable style Niagara Condoms.® Part of the fun is blowing them up and they come with their own puncture repair kit. Available in two models, slick skin and simulated tire tread for extra traction. (Warning: Do not over inflate or encase testicles in the condom. Not unless you want watch his eyes to bulge out of his head.)
Next I would suggest the revolutionary electric Lazarus Niagara Condoms.® Their
slogan, "We Bring Good Things Back to Life,
" seems to be quite true. It is
gyroscopically controlled to work no matter what position the two of you are in.
Should the offending male member achieve an angle of negative declination a small
jolting shock is administered to stimulate the organ. It should comfort you to know
that early design flaws and lawsuits pertaining to electrical fires have been
cleared up. (Inadequate insulation was found to be the cause, but the investigations
led to the discovery of the "Fire in the Hole
" syndrome and the
"Burning Bush
" effect.)
If none of the previously mentioned methods work, please write me again with the days that are convenient, the hours your husband is at work, the name of a nearby motel and I will make myself available for a personal consultation.
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