|
|
Close Help | ||||||||||||||
Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
My girlfriend, Erica, takes advantage of me, my car and my wallet to such an extent that I am forced to panhandle on street corners in order to get gas money. A typical date with her costs at least $300.00 and I get nothing in return except for a smile, a glimpse of thigh and a well-timed peek at a padded bra. She leads me on and gets me so worked up, only to leave me frustrated. I find that I have resorted to calling 1-900 numbers and playing with an air-filled latex woman, just to get some relief. Then she'll cast me aside like the carcass of last year's jack-o-lantern for the next new guy in her life. After 10 or 12 of them she'll take me back but only to later discard me like the rubber scum on week old chocolate pudding. No matter what she does I keep going back to her. Help me, Dr. Search, your my only hope.
Steve, Jay, Sean, Daniel and Mike
Well, look on the bright side, at least you don't have to worry about a sexually transmitted disease.
Over the last two or three years there has been an increase in the number of cases reported such as yours. Clinical studies of this ailment have recently been written up in several renowned psychiatric journals. Chronic Compulsive Erica Disorder (CCED) is the leading cause of mental emasculation in your area and is rumored to be spreading toward the Northeast. CCED claims a victim every 5.5 days and authorities still are no closer to pinpointing her location. Fortunately there is a self-help group dedicated to the finding a cure for this addiction. Er-Anon with it's unique 144 step program will assist those who are carrying so much emotional baggage that they need a Skycap. Er-Anon helps men like yourselves restructure their pathetic lives, provides obtainable women and eliminates the masochistic tendencies caused by CCED. Their number can be found in your local phone book under Derangements.
You might as well get used to the poverty, because if you ever get a divorce it's going to feel the same.
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
