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Keeping the peace as best we can."
Dear Dr. Fortran,
What makes my tummy growl? Are there lions in there?
Timmy, age 6
No, Timmy, lions are much to big to fit in your stomach. Besides, think of the hair balls! Actually until you asked, I hadn't given it much thought. So I spent the better part of my lunch hour concocting this scientific explanation.
The reason your tummy growls is because of stomach gremlins (gastre intestinus gremli). Since they have never been seen or even proven to exist I will attempt to discuss them in detail.
Stomach gremlins come in three different varieties and inhabit the major portions of your intestinal tract. Despite their place of domicile, they are collectively known as stomach gremlins and their function is to process and digest your food. When they are not doing that, many of them play around and goof off. Besides being essential for your well-being, they are responsible for a large number of maladies.
First of all, the gremlins in your stomach, act like a large professional sports team. When you drink a carbonated beverage, they run around kicking all the little bubbles like soccer balls. When enough of the bubbles have burst, this causes you to belch. Many of the inhabitants here are allergic to mass quantities of alcohol. If you drink 151 proof liquids, they will get very upset and proceed to embarrass you by making you empty your stomach, usually at very inconvenient times and places. These critters are very closely oriented along ethic lines. That is, if you are Italian and try to eat Brazilian food, most likely a major fight will break out between the stomach gremlins and the food gnomes. This riot is called heartburn.
Second is the small intestine type of gremlin. It is an integral part of your
makeup, but basically they do nothing. Kind of like Sam Drucker (of
"Green Acres
"). Or a Vice-President. Or maybe a better description would be
like Purgatory for the digestive system. The spelunkers here often lose their way
in the yards of twisting and turning tubing. To try and locate other members of
their group, they yodel. This sound and its echo is what you call growling.
Third and last are the large intestine gremlins and frankly, their job stinks. They frequently go on strike. This happens with some regularity. (Or is it irregularity?) Either way, the end product is constipation. When not on strike they may participate in work slow-downs. This causes pockets of gas to form and the resulting flatulence is not a pretty thing. Often these emanations are quite odoriferous. (There have been several reported cases of singed eyebrows and melted nose hairs from the above mentioned vapors.) If the gremlins become irritated at you, they turn dysfunctional and refuse to do their job properly. This turns into mild to severe forms of dysentery and diarrhea, which may evacuate itself, with or without your consent.
Colonic irrigation, which should be administered by a nice dominant lady dressed up like a nurse, will help you rid your body of most of the gremlins. But then this is a matter for when you are much older. Sooner or later they'll be back in full force, because they breed like bunnies!
I hope I have answered your question to my satisfaction. Next month, if I have time to fabricate the research, I might tell you about the unsightly nose trolls and those disgusting little dingle fairies.
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