The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet

(The A.N.A.L. Starfleet)

"Keeping the peace as best we can."
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ASK DR. FORTRAN

by Dr. Pascal Fortran

Dear Dr. Fortran,

As I get older I find myself faced with the prospect of visiting a proctologist. Is there anything I should look for when choosing this sort of a doctor.

Ben in Dover

My first inclination would be to tell you to find one with short, slim fingers. But I think it is best that I give you some hints on what to beware of when searching for a practitioner of this perverse technology.

  1. Do not choose a retired Navy doctor who's colleagues have nicknamed him "Captain Hook."
  2. Do not choose a doctor who, when he has you in the assumed position, asks you the question, "Jam or jelly."
  3. Do not use a physician who tells you that his examination gloves are self-defrosting.
  4. Never go to a doctor when his diploma is from the Torquemada School of Medicine.
  5. Never see a specialist who offers to give you a vinegar and baking soda enema.