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In what has to be the most bizarre turn of events ever to occur in a court room since the deaths of Raymond Burr and Andy Griffith, Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs, head of Starfleet's 69th Patrol Unit, shot and killed what appeared to be Admiral Wil E. Dicker, who had just been proclaimed Admiral of the Fleet and heir to the Niagara fortune.
F'Faggs, noted to be one of the most loyal, and most deviant, Starfleet
officers, was not immediately arrested, owing to the state of shock and inebreation
of the members of the Court. He was able to proclaim, "It's not Wil!
",
before he was placed into custody by Admiral Lady Slong Deray.
An emergency meeting of Starfleet Command was called on the spot, where an investigation was launched and soon docked. Starfleet Commanders found that the deceased Dicker in the court room was not the real Dicker, but his twin brother, Dydd E. Dicker. It was F'Faggs' testimony that convinced the commanders that a ruse had been perpetrated.
Niagara Intergalactic Press' reporters Robin Garlandette and Angelo Hill were
present at the meeting, where they heard the damning testimony. F'Faggs told
the commanders, "I suspected something was wrong from the first fifteen minutes
of the trial. As Wil E.'s personal protologist, I know he suffers, as does
Admiral Rip D. Faughtz, from Terminal Flatullence, a not so rare but always fatal
disfuntion of the lower digestive tract that causes sufferers to produce large
amouts of methane gas. In most cases, people with TF die when too much gas is
produced and they explode. But Wil E. had mastered the ancient Chalmation art of
colonic venting.
"
"When, after a few minutes in the court,
" continued F'Faggs, "I noticed,
or didn't notice any strange smells, I began to watch Wil. During the whole
trial he did not flinch, fart, sneak a cheek, or anything. I waited for an hour to
see if he would explode, and when , by the end of the trial, he didn't, I went
to find my gun. So, since he had been proclaimed Admiral of the Fleet, I guess
I'm guilty of treason for killing him.
"
Starfleet command then found F'Faggs guilty of necessary treason, and Awarded him the John Wilkes Booth Medal of Honor.
In a related incident, the Amalgamation 151st Court was hastily reconvened, and declared Hiawatha M. Niagara the true heir to the fame, titles and fortune of his previous clone, Hiawatha L. Niagara, who was hastily elevated to Admiral of the Fleet by Starfleet Command.
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"Fyrst Jamaica Roux.
" These were the last words of the late Dydd E. Dicker,
gasped seconds after he was shot by Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs. These words, and
information gained from the toturing of some of Admiral Sam T. Drucker's most
reliable agents, has led Starfleet Command to launch a combination rescue mission
and retalitory punitive strike against the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms
remaing foe, the Imperial Remoulade Stupendouness. This paper can only guess that
this means war.
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"
Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara announced in a press conference today that he was sending two of Starfleet's most feared Admirals and their fleets to rescue Admiral Wil E. Dicker from the chancre-ecrusted hands of the Remoulades, those under-cooked half-breed hagfish from neuralgic uteri of bloated tapeworms.
"The Rems, those ........., are in for their worst nightmare!
" he bellowed.
"I have just ordered Admiral Sir Frisken Search to take his Fantabulous Fifteenth
Fleet and rendevous with the scourge of her enemies, Admiral Rip D. Faughtz and the
Invincible First Fleet . They will rescue Admiral Dicker and then, if the Rems do
not get down and grovel for my mercy, they are ordered to neutralize all
carbon-based lifeforms on the planet Roux. Tickle us, do we not laugh? Prick us,
do we not f**k you up the ass? That is all.
"
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PEDESTRIAN PILSNER
The acronym says it all!
In what has to be the most bizarre incident at a Plants of Pleasure Corp. (POPCO)
house since Heidi Heaux had those rather sugestive nude pictures taken with that
donkey or since Amiga Wilma Flintstone insisted that a Great Dane be made available
for her personal use, Admiral Zbigneu 'Pin Prick' Rheal was reported
running, sans clothing, through the brothel holding a small white feather in his
mouth, flapping his ears and yelling, "Look at me folks! I'm Dumbo! I can
fly!
"
The clientele of the house, most of them naked and in many different stages of arousal, were sent scurrying for cover to escape the horror of being trampled to death as Zbigneu terrorized the hallways.
A crowd of uninterested bystanders pulled him off the railing as he attempted to leap into the air from a fourth story balcony. Admiral Trixis Furkids tried to distract him by exposing her magically delicious upper body charms. He simply charged past her waving a pathetic excuse for a trunk in his hand.
The would be pachyderm was finally cornered by a group of Pop Tarts who happened to be dressed up as the Three Blind Mice and subdued later with several tranquilizer darts fired by the staff of the Rush Limbaugh Animal Preserve.
In an effort to determine what caused him to go on a stampede, investigators have narrowed it down to either a deep psychological problem or an overly fermented batch of beer nuts from which he had been eating.
In a related incident, several customers at the bordello had to be treated for
minor retina burns after sunlight reflected off of Zbigneu "Great White
One
"; Rheal's body and into their eyes.
In another related incident, the Disney Corporation has filed a lawsuit against Rheal on behalf of the cartoon personality claiming defamation of character.
In an unrelated incident, Admiral Sleapz 'Full Moon' F'Faggs dropped
his pants, exposing himself and waddled up to the nearest Pop Tart to ask,
"Hey darling, what do you think of this? Beauty or the Beast?
"
Said Admiral Dr. Sir Frisken Search, owner of POPCO, "Hey, it was great. We got
the chance to charge a little more for the extra entertainment. And I want it to be
known that throughout this whole frightful episode, continuous service was still
being provided to our customers. When the fear mounts, so do we!
"
At last report Rheal was resting comfortably, grazing on hay in the meadows at the Limbaugh compound, chained at the ankle to a stake in the ground.
In a reportedly related incident, the Territoial Government of Tarantula, headed by Admiral Zbigneu Rheal, has resolved to move its capital to beautiful downtown Limbaugh. legal experts speculate that this may allow Governor Rheal to envoke the seldom-used Earl K. Long mental health clause to legally declare himself competant with a tusk print.
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