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Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet Admiral Wil E. Dicker was freed just moments ago by Admiral Sir Frisken Search and elements of his Fantabulous Fifteenth Fleet. Dicker was reported to be in good shape in spite of being readied by his captors to be encased in Lucite.
The Invincible First Fleet, under the command of the galactic daredevil Admiral Rip. D Fauhtze, and Admiral Search's fleet, broke through the defenses of the Remoulade planet Hero Sheemah, and effected the rescue with out an Amalgamation casualty. Remold losses total 160,739 dead, and 2 wounded so far.
Using the cover of the new Coanuv Silencer, Admiral Rip D. Fauhtze slipped into
orbit around Hero Sheemah, where the fleet obliterated the small Rem fleet defending
the planet. "The new Silencer developed by Admirals Muzak and Klink worked
swell!
" reported an explosive Fauhtze. "Even Frisky was surprised. The Rems,
those particulate globules of maggot afterbirth, didn't know we were there till
we fired our first shot. And as usual, it was too late them.
"
Admiral Search then reported on the rescue mission. "Well, after Faughtze
finished, we moved in. We knew how to find him, because Wil E. wears a special
brand of jockey shorts from Maid Enform Braughs '
"
Real Man
' collection, which
contain Valiumium fibers. The carrier SIGNAL (SIK-1544) locked on with her
transporters, as the rest of my fleet through down a coupla hundred Pharton
torpedoes as a warning. Couldn't have done it as well without Fauhtze in my
rear! I'm bringing Dicker home now.
"Like my late predecessor, I don't make idle threats!
" blared Admiral
of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara. "I told the REMS to beg my forgiveness or else,
and I mean it. They have five hours to respond, or I will order my fleet to rain
destruction unseen since the Ubangme War.
"
Following that statement, Starfleet Chief of Staff Admiral Red C. Pedestrian
stepped up to the mike. "If you thought making a star go nova was bad, you
ain't seen nothing yet. By the way, have any of you guys seen the
A.S.S. ARIZONA lately?
", Pedestrian said with a wink.
The latest lyrical endeavor of Uberall S. Doichlan faced stiff resistance and almost went down the tubes when investors pulled out. But a sudden spurt of new seed money saved the production. The naughty nautical musical comedy entitled, 'Save That Seaman', opened last week at Arsenio Hall to aroused audiences and already the competition has been blown away.
It is the story of Melvin Pudwhacker, a naval enlisted man, who overcomes his self-indulgent and celibate lifestyle onboard the A.S.S. WANKER. The opening song 'It's My Dick And My Soap And I'll Wash It As Fast As I Want' is sure to be a crowd pleaser.
It is here that he meets the lovely and nymphatic Amber Deckstreeus. She convinces him to give up his masturbatory ways in favor of heterosexuality by taking an active hand in his development, complete with several oral admonishments.
The plot may be hard to swallow but the musical really is based loosely on the sticky and degenerate life of Dakkar Keapz Stalin.
The only drawback to the whole show is that, due to the nature of the performance, the female lead mumbles most of her lines.
Critics says that Doichlan's music sucks and is mindless drivel, but his fans know that it is much less than that.
You've Gotta Try
Lady Slong Deray's Jewish American Princess
WHITE (of course) ZINFANDEL
"We will serve no whine before her time
"
Few people know and most just don't give a damn about the life of Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin. The Admiral hasn't been seen in many months and some beings are, well, very thankful for it. This reporter took it upon herself to research that swarthy dreg of humanity. Where facts were lacking articulate fabrications have been used instead.
He was supposed to be an only child, but when his parents took a look at him, they instinctively knew that they could do better. Born to the former Minnie Stroney on a day so cold that many people speculated that hell must have froze over. His father, Quitja Stalin, who died two years before he was born, was cashiered from the Navy when a slight navigational error caused him to sail his destroyer into downtown Milwaukee.
As you can see fate has not dealt Dakkar a kind hand. To this day photos of him are still used as a birth control devices in impoverished third world systems.
AGE 10 -- Vinnie, his is pet gerbil dies and is flushed to a higher spiritual plane. This leaves him emotionally scarred as he was quite fond of Vinnie nesting in his shorts.
AGE 12 -- He tries his hand at sex and is very pleased with himself. His supersaturated loins make him the laughing stock at school.
AGE 13 -- Just as his mother predicted, he starts to go blind. His new glasses are so thick that they could set ants on fire, without benefit of the sun.
AGE 15 -- He tries to get his first job. Imagine his dismay when he learns that at every fast food restaurant, the position of talking clown has already been filled.
AGE 16 -- He gets a job as a professional coin return checker, but is fired for spending too much time out-of-body.
AGE 17 -- Dakkar runs away from home. He has been living in an abusive environment, but all of it has been self-inflicted.
AGE 22 -- Being free of the burdens of intelligence, he enrolls in Starfleet Academy, after his 89 IQ is mistakenly recorded as 189.
AGE 24 -- As an inventor his ideas goes unrewarded. They include the steam-powered toaster, carbonated nasal spray and the wooden chimney.
AGE 26 -- Dakkar acquires his first girlfriend, Taiwan Ahn, in a raffle. Second
prize was a warm yogurt enema. He falls physically in love with her despite the
nickname of 'Slutmuffin
' that previous boyfriends had given her.
She quickly tires of his frequent sticky seminal salutations and leaves him. He tries
to send her stuff back to her but he doesn't know what coven she belongs to.
AGE 27 -- Conceit takes its toll. His classmates say that his arrogance proceeds him around a corner. They dress him up like a piñata and a group of small Mexican children beat him half to death. They stop only when he began spewing something other than candy.
AGE 28 -- When his classmates find out that he cheated on his urine test, even after studying, they administer the ancient Chinese remedy of acupuncture, with a nail gun. Teachers claim that he has all the personality of a colostomy bag.
AGE 29 -- The treachery begins. First he is caught polluting the environment by selling nude pictures of Admiral Niagara (which are best not seen by minors or those prone to cardiac arrest.) Then the yellow streak shows up. At the Starfleet graduation ceremony at the Academy his fellow cadets consider having him castrated. But they soon realize that that would only be gelding the lily.
AGE 30 -- When he surrenders his first ship at his first battle, his cowardice
spawns a whole new meaning to the word 'capitulate.
' He becomes the only
commander to lose a battle in the Pug Wars.
AGE 31 -- Dakkar 'The Lizard
' Stalin in temporarily excluded from all Planets
of Pleasure Corp. (POPCO) houses after he attends high-heel and handcuff night
dressed only in, high heels and handcuffs.
AGE 32 -- Hard times befall Admiral Stalin. He is suspended pending the outcome of
psychiatric exam. It is during this time that he is sighted at several exit ramps
across the universe holding a sign that reads, "Will Betray Galaxy for Food.
"
The results of his exam are so upsetting that every doctor on the review team took
their own lives. The results were to have been published, but were not due to the
morbidity and mortality involved. Stalin is reinstated for lack of evidence.
From this point records seem to have disappeared or have been altered. One can only speculate as to their whereabouts or condition.
HOSANNAH'S FROM ON HIGH!
ALE MARY
"Full of Taste
"
Brewed under special agreement from his holiness
Pope Jean Luc XIII
by Old Saint Claude and Dumaine Distilleries, Lake Pomona, Earth.
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