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The Remoulade planet Hero Sheemah ceased to exist this morning as the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet unleashed the newest weapon of destruction, the Pluto Torpedo.
The order to use the new weapon came from Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara, after conferring with Amalgamation ProConsul Stocker, Starfleet Command, and many of the governments of the systems of the Amalgamation.
The decision to use the weapon came after the rescue of Admiral Wil E. Dicker, and after no response to Admiral Niagara's ultimatum was received from the Remoulade Government.
The new weapon was fired by Captain E. Nola Gae, acting captain of the A.S.S. ARIZONA (DYF-0156). The ARIZONA, the flag ship of Admiral Ittaint Muzak's Omnipotent Twelfth Fleet, secretly carried the weapon from Manhat An, where the weapon was reportedly developed by Admiral Muzak and galactic know-it-all Admiral Wilhelm Klink.
Admiral Rip D. Fauhtze, whose
Invincible First Fleet along with Admiral Sir Frisken Search's Fantabulous
Fifteenth destroyed the planets defense fleet and rescued Admiral Dicker, said of
the attack, "I knew it was going to be big, but , Damn! One second it was there,
next second, POW, BANG, ZOOM, To the moon, Alice!
"
Niagara Intergalactic Press was able to get a statement from one of the
co-developers of the weapon, galactic know-it-all Admiral Wilhelm Klink. Contacted
at his offices at the Crystalline Spike Memorial School For Wayward Pilots, the home
of the Disknee Company's top secret weapons development labs, Klink said,
"Is this thing on? Good It should not have blown up the entire planet. But, the
Rems had stockpiled huge amounts of onions, Creole mustard, Italian dressing, and
anchovy paste on Hero Sheemah. When the ingredient of the bomb reacted with all
that combustible material, the result was inevitable. Good thing the Rems like
anchovy paste, I say.
"
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P-BOMB IS HAIR OF THE DOG", SAYS SCOTCH
Intergalactic News Network contacted Commander Montgomery Ward Scotch, Chief Engineer aboard DYF-0151-A, A.S.S. BOOBYPRIZE for technical information on the new bomb used against the Rems. Scotch reportedly developed the idea for the bomb the morning after the retirement party for the BOOBYPRIZE's former First Officer, Captain G. Spot. The Following is his testimony.
The Pluto bomb is the short name for the Pluto-kneeum bomb which is made entirely from 151% pure doggie breath. The hapless recipients are stifled to death by the stench which is preceded with considerable choking and gagging. It inhibits mental and physical capacities to a point less than zero. Those few sick puppies who survive are left just plain goofy.
It is made from a compound called K9-238 that is created when dogs lick their balls. It has a radioactive half-life of 14 years and is a bitch to clean up after. Repeated K9 droppings on a planet can turn the core from magma into dogma. The affects are similar to the old neutron bomb, but a hell of a lot cheaper to produce. And those mongrels in the Galactic EPA don't hound you to follow a lot of safety regulations. Theinitial test was perform on Canis Majoris and doggone it if it didn't work the first time.
It is only the second weapon of mass destruction ever produced by the Disknee company, the first being the ill-fated Bambi Firestorm bomb.
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TRUMAN WAS RIGHT", SWEARS HURT WEISER
In a bizarre accident last night, Admiral Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser, leader of
the 82nd Space Dogs, erotomaniac and master of tongue fu was injured when his
extreme forward velocity was terminated against a brick wall.
For years the Contessa Vanessa and 'Bud
' have been meeting in biweekly
trysts for the purpose of reenacting famous and memorable moments in the history of
Earth.
Careful examination of the tape from the camera they had filming the event revealed the following.
The tantalizing Contessa lay seductively on the bed dressed in a Wonder Woman
outfit. Tonight she was playing the role of the European continent and was waiting
to be ravaged. 'Bud
' stood poised at the end of the bed wearing a Batman
costume and ready to act out the part of the Mongol horde. He jumped up on the edge
of the bed getting ready to pillage and plunder the lovely Balkans when his cape
floated up and got caught in the blades of the ceiling fan. It picked him up and
began whirling him around the room like a lone sock in a crazed Maytag on spin cycle.
Eventually his cape ripped and the unleashed force sent him hurling across the room,
through an open window, across the yard and into wall of the house next door.
Neighbors sitting outside awarded 'Bud
', 9.6, 9.5 and 9.7 with mandatory
points deducted for bouncing on the landing.
It was then that Nuntha uttered, "Truman was right,
" before lapsing into
unconsciousness. This is of course an obvious reference to Amalgamation physicist
and crackpot, Triden Truman, who once theorized that if centrifugal force let go and
gravity took over your body would suffer severe structural damage. Unfortunately,
Triden was crushed to death after falling down a mine shaft while testing half of
his theory.
Weiser is currently residing at the Pug Wars Veterans Hospital, and should recover nicely and plans are already underway for next weeks' X-rated staging of Hannibal crossing the Alps followed by the Spanish Armada (Bud) going down at the Strait of Dover (Vanessa).
OPHELIA D'CLEAVAGE'S
FAMOUS FRANKENBERRIAN FRUIT STAND
The Largest Selection Of Fresh Produce In The Galaxy!
No, Make That The Freshest Selection Of Large Produce The Galaxy Has To Offer!
OPHELIA SAYS:
"You can thump my melons, but watch how you handle the tomatoes!
"
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