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Rumors at the Tullulah Street Train Pier have been spewing around like sparrows through a jet engine. All the buzz seems to be about Red C. Pedestrian getting married.
Apparently tired of all the swashing and buckling (and quite a bit of unbuckling)
throughout the Universe, Red appears ready to settle down. Reporters tried to
interview Red at a local restaurant but he remained tight-lipped (for a change) and
sat there idly coloring his place mat. His only comment was, "I spoke those three
special words to her, '
"
Wow! Great ass!
'
Starfleet Admiral Lady Slong Deray answered reporters questions with a question.
Said she, "Well, I wouldn't want to comment on this private matter. If in
fact a wedding was proposed, all the admirals of Starfleet would have to attend, and
we wouldn't want to let the Klingfrees or Remoulades use that occasion as an
excuse for a sneak attack, would we?
"
Reporters did find and talk to a couple of people known to be close to Red. POPCO
Poptart Maiden Tyewon had this to say. "He was one of my regular tricks, er,
customers. I shall always remember the way he used to invite me to climb aboard
his vessel and view the Captain's log. He ways always so funny. He's such
a ham.
" Domitrix, Lether Ann Layce, from the House of Whacks (a subsidiary of
POPCO) said, "He will sorely miss me, that naughty little boy. I hope she makes
him beg for it. He loves a woman with balls, especially when they're his.
"
Nothing is known at this time about the intended bride, but people who know Red say she must have a high threshold of pain.
One by one, the ships of the Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet, commanded by the highly charged Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin, have disappeared.
The first sign of trouble appeared when Edsel Class Battlewagon A.S.S. HINDENBURG, DYF-0161, failed to file Subspace Digital Form WERYAT-A (short form) this morning. Subsequent investigations revealed that no ship of the Fifth Fleet had filed forms WERYAT-A, WERDAFUGAMI, or HERE-EZ in the last three days. Each Starfleet vessel is required to file one of these forms under Starfleet regulation 960302, paragraph 14.00, section GMGS, which states,
All vessels operated by The Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet must report its current position or positional uncertainty and operational status, or operational uncertainty, using the best means available, to Starfleet daily.
Officials at Starfleet Command, who shall remain nameless (for obvious reasons) are
not concerned. Said they, "Admiral Stalin has been known to file reports by
sticking a Post-it note on the front of a Pharton torpedo tube and firing it at its
intended recipient, or by tattooing it on the lips of a sheep and defoliating the
portions of the planet not in proximity to the intended recipient.
"
At a press conference in the Henson Memorial Command Center, Starfleet Minister of
Management Gittowta 'Ma
' Kichchen remarked, "I hope that boy is not
disobeying orders and going through with that darned silly plan to attach and
annihilate the Klingfrees and the Remoulades by setting up subspace siphon tubes
between their stars. If he is, I'll just have to send him to bed without any
supper. Now, see y'all later, I have a wedding, umm, really big cake to
bake.
"
Stay tuned to this for more details.
With the possibility of an attack on their puny segment of space staring them in the face, the Imperial Remoulade Stupendousness sent a warning to Amalgamation Pro-Consul Stocker, threatening an all out war with the Amalgamation.
In a memo read to the press at their paltry embassy in the Louis Farahkeem Housing Complex, the Remoulade Ambassador Maka Roo said that his government would consider any attack by the rogue Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin as an act of war by the Amalgamation.
"The Imperial Stupendousness will defend to the fullest its properties, and the
occupants thereof!
", said Roo. " If any attack occurs, the Stupendousness will
respond with a full attack upon the oppressors of free trade and equal rights, the
Amalgamation!
"
Some Members of the Rhonstadt were visibly shaken by this message. Davenport
'Rusty
' Saber, representative from Parkerbrudders, explained to the press,
"We just don't need another war! Our people will suffer! Innocent lives will
be spent! Someone must stop Drucker, I mean Stalin, now!
"
Calm prevailed at an unusually empty Henson Memorial Command Center is the face of
this ultimatum. Hard pressed to find a senior officer, reporters finally cornered
Rear Amiga Rambo Hackenslash in the 98th floor Senior Officers Quarters, below the
Admiral's washroom and cheese emporium. Hackenslash calmly retorted to the word
of the threats. "Wasn't it just two years ago we kicked their asses and put
the Klingfrees out of business? Do they think we're really scared of them?
They're the ones who are shakin' in their boots. They probably have figured
out that Stalin has stolen the Dreadnought Dr. Doo, and is...ooops! Hey! Don't
print that!
"
Stay tuned to for more on this story.
Three Squadrons of the Amalgamation Royal Marine Corps were called in to respond to over 5000 complaints of loud noise, lewd and demented behavior, seismic activity and disturbing of livestock on the little-known planet of Kay ,Why?, a reputed summer home for the galaxy-renowned pimp, Wil Think Sumptin, yesterday.
The Marines arrested some 5000 citizens on various charges, and the complaints ceased. When the Marines withdrew, it was discovered that the citizens arrested were the ones who had filed the complaints.
However, one of the complainants, William 'Pard
' E. Puuper, demanded of local
officials that the ARMC contingent be charged with false arrest and civil rights
violations. Local officials referred the case to the ARMC Commandant
Reichsfieldmarshall Rink E. 'Bull
' Dinky, who called a court martial this
morning.
At the court martial, several dozen bleary-eyed Starfleet Admirals and upper-echelon officials testified that they were on the planet at the time in question, attending a two-day-long bachelor party for Admiral Red C. Pedestrian, during which time none of them noticed any disturbances. The presiding judge, Amiga Juris Marsupialis, decided that the charges of filing false reports were justified, and all charges against the Marines were dropped.
Reporters, in an attempt to call up a list of the complainants for interview purposes, accidentally deleted the file from all records.
Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs' Porneaux Patrol Unit found evidence that Admiral Stalin's missing Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet is in the area near the Neutral Ground between Amalgamation and Klingfree space. The A.S.S. RATT, SFF-3349, found this morning that all the four-legged residents of Ovis Aries were missing.
The whereabouts of residents are unknown, but this was taken by F'Faggs as an indication that units of Admiral Stalin's fleet are on the warpath.
Later this evening, the two-legged residents of the planet were able to read
"The Fifth Fleet Was Here!
", and "DYF-0160
" gouged into the surface of the
planet's largest moon. DYF-0160 is the call sign of Admiral Stalin's
flagship, the Edsel-Class Battlewagon A.S.S. ANDREA DORIA. It is suspected that
when the smaller moon rises, they will also find the call sign of the offending
ships carved into its surface as well.
Starfleet Command reported today that Admiral Sir Frisken Search was promoted to the rank of Staff Fleet Admiral, and given command of the new Sweet Sixteenth Fleet.
In a recorded statement, Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara announced the
appointment. "It is with great pride that I give this assignment to a proven
Amalgamation hero, Sir Frisken Search. He is a man among men and women and other
beings when it comes to dedication to duty and to the goals and the causes of the
Amalgamation and our Starfleet! He has proven that he has earned his new commission.
By the way, Frisky, thanks for the new yacht!
"
With the sole exception of Search's brand-new DeSoto Class Battlecruiser
HAK-2011, A.S.S. EXCLAMATION, no other ships have been assigned to his fleet as of
now. When asked about being the admiral of a single-ship fleet, Search replied,
"I guess you don't even read your own news! I will have the first fleet in
Starfleet history made up of entirely brand new ships. Admiral Wilhelm Klink, head
of General Titanics, assures me that the folks at the L.A. Frey Spacepier and King
Cotton Shipyards have been working over-time to finish my fleet by this weekend,
Lake Pomona time. I am now interviewing Captains and Amigas to head these ships,
and will institute a call for free agents among the junior officers classes to fill
positions. As for standard old seamen, well I guess I'll have to resort to the
draft.
"
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organization", consisting of beer/booze-swilling, cigar-smoking, semi-professionals who have nothing better to do with their time than to play like they run the universe, whilst and at the same time making fun of science fiction and themselves. We've been publishing this rag since Coast Con 1988, and only the type face and computers have gotten better. --Dave, we're gonna miss you, man.
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