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The Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet, under the command of Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin, is, as of this writing, still at large, and presumed armed and dangerous.
Numerous reports have been slung around the Amalgamation like a wet towel in a locker room suggesting that Stalin is either on the lam or lambs, or is planning to seek revenge on the Remoulades and Klingfrees for the scratches to his ship's hull that were inflicted during the Rubble War two years ago.
Starfleet Command has been unusually quiet on this matter. In fact, no top brass could be contacted at the Henson Memorial Command Center. All calls were referred to an answering machine.
Many people are suspecting out loud that the entire Amalgamation Starfleet is out looking for Stalin, and that the universe maybe in mortal danger. Others are saying its probably a ruse to scare off the enemy so all the Starfleet officers can attend Admiral Pedestrian's wedding. Sensible folks are ignoring that rumor.
Amalgamation ProConsul Stocker told reporters, "Well, I'm not too worried
about the situation. I received a communiqué from Admiral of the Fleet Niagara that
everything was peachy keen, and it would all be over by tomorrow. So, don't
sweat. It's not like it's Doitchlan or Quirk running loose out there.
If that were the case, even God Himself would being in danger.
"
Been There, Done That."
In an effort to marry off one of his chief advisors and get him out from underfoot, His Eminence, Hiawatha L. Niagara, searched the Known Universe for someone who had never heard of Starfleet Chief of Staff Staff Fleet Admiral Red C. Pedestrian. Finally in on the planet Electrolux in the Hoover System he found such a person. Boffme Sweethart, a singer at the Oreck Hotel, was wed to Red, sight unseen, in a prearranged marriage.
For many years now Red has been having trouble getting second dates. The Admiral of the Fleet took pity on him and employed a variety of shamans, witch doctors, rabbis, cleaning women, dust busters and dirt devils to scour the vacuum of space to find a lady that suited Pedestrian's odd temperament.
As Red watched his bride walk down the aisle he was so enthralled by her beauty
that when she reached the altar he queried, "Boffme Sweethart?
" There
proceeded to be a short interruption in the ritual as Boffme jumped him. Two
minutes later the ceremony resumed with the bride positively glowing and Pedestrian
looking rather disheveled and spent.
The wedding was held at the Church of the Shaded Triangle and was officiated by
the Reverend Dr. Gopher Baroque. When Baroque asked the bride, "Do you take this
man?
", she replied , "Darling, I think already have.
"
Later when told that her new husband was circumcised she commented, "Well at
least he's not a complete prick.
"
The general store of the planet Hootersville was visited by three men today with
one of the strangest orders in the planet's history. The store's proprietor,
Sam Drucker, reportedly told reporters, "Three men in wolves clothing appeared at
the counter, requesting 200 kegs of beer, 100 cases of Scotch, and 3.789 x 1014
meters of 3 inch rubber tubing. Now, I don't usually keep that much tubing in
stock, but Niagara Industries shifted the decimal place of my last order of
Roll-Ur-Own Condoms by ten decimal places. I was gonna ship it back next week.
"
"Well,
" Drucker went on, "since they did me a favor and made some room in
my warehouse for me, I threw in a case of mint jelly for free. Made Uncle Joe kinda
mad, since I never give him nuthin for free. Strange boys, though, talkin about
suckin stars are somethin. Musta been Hollywood preverts or sumthin'
"
Drucker continued, "By the way, if any of you Starfleet guys out there see my
good-for-nuthin nephew, tell him he still owes me forty bucks for that Mardi Gras
tie and cummerbund!
"
As Starfleet representatives and reporters were about to leave, Drucker stopped
them, and said, "Oh, and those guys gave me this envelope for you.
" With that,
Drucker handed over a plain pink envelope to the representatives.
After a quick call to the bomb squad, the envelope was opened and it was found that it contained the position request forms for the entire Fifth Fleet.
The home world of newly-wed Admiral Red C. Pedestrian was held hostage by gargantuan numbers of freighters carrying wedding presents for the Admiral.
Starships came from near and far bearing items such as lambskin sheets to anchovy paste. Among the notable gifts were:
Yogi Bear" teddy, guaranteed by the Lady to "
make his little boo-boo larger than the average bear";
Golden Rod' Drucker, size "
W" 12 volt dry cell batteries;
Galactic Know-It-All: The Life and Times of Me";
Taste the Tuna";
Bill' Kelso- a $5 gift certificate for two at Denny's All- U- Can- Burp Breakfast Saloon;
Bud' Weiser- 50 free hours on Niagara On Line;
Copulation: The Beginners Pictorial Guide" (with e-z wipe off pages) by stud Admiral Wil E. Dicker;
Ma' Kichchen- a copy of the heretofore thought lost unedited version of the classic movie "
Orchestra Wives", starring Jack Gleason and Glenn Miller and His Orchestra.
Also included with the gifts was a note from Admiral Sir Frisken Search, which said,
Dear Red,
Due to your upcoming (nice word, huh) nuptials to the voluptuous Boffme Sweethart and in light of the fact that you seem to be getting it regular anyway, I find it necessary to revoke all of the "
Buy One - Eat One Free" coupons issued to you by the Planets of Pleasure Corporation (POPCO). Rest assured that these coupons will be redistributed to the needy (i.e. Sam Drucker.)As always you are welcome in any POPCO establishment should things get dull at home or it is that time of the month (full price minus 90% Admiral's discount.) Some acts or unusual services may be exempt.
(Parenthetically yours)
Staff Fleet Admiral Dr. Sir Frisken Search, OSM
P.S.: Our special this month, "
Cum twice for the price of one." (same visit - 15 minute time limit.)
Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara presented to the couple a single share of Niagara Industries, Ltd., stock for their son, Czar Nicholas, heir to the Rushinoff throne. Niagara stated that the young Nicholas should live in virtual splendor off the dividends until his death.
An important chapter in Amalgamation Starfleet history came to an end this morning with the launching of what are the last of the Edsel-Class Battlewagons, the A.S.S. DARK STAR and the A.S.S. SPRUCE GOOSE.
According to Admiral Wilhelm Klink, Chief of the Office of Starfleet Ship Design,
the Edsels are not headed for the scrapper. Speaking of the Edsels at the
launching this morning, he said, "Umm, is this thing on? Good. We have no
plans to begin scrapping the Edsels at this time. But we feel that with the new
Desotos and with new technology developed in the building of the Schaefer Class
Dreadnought Dr. Doo, we can improve on the design of heavy cruiser-exploration
vessel. Besides, as good as they've been, they've been damn unlucky. No,
we don't have any real design plans for the replacement yet. We'll keep
using them for now, and replace them with DeSotos when they die, err, wear out.
'Scuse me, I gotta go get dressed. And, no, I don't know where Stalin is.
"
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