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I'M NOT DEAD YET!" HEARD IN MAUSOLEUM!
In what has to be the positively most extraordinary, nay, fantastic, nay unbelievable story ever to appear in this paper (and believe me folks, we've printed bunches of those), we are stunned to report that His Most Supremely Exalted Lord Most Highly Glorified Admiral of the Fleet, Champion of the Empress of Obsidia, Hero of the Pug Wars, High Clan Chief of Greater Scotland and the Lowlands, Most Humongous Grand Pubah of the Order of Water Buffaloes, Hun of Huns, First Merman of the Mystic Knights of the Sea, High Priest of the Order of St. Mitch, Keeper of the Peace, Handler of the Vultron Piano Wire of Mutilation, Dealer of the Mitsubishi Diamonds of Death, Ubar of All Gor, First Speaker of the Second Foundation, Heir to Houses Atreides, Pancakes, and Dressing, Pope of the People's Catholic Church, Chief Elder of the Howard Families, Chairman Pro Tempore of the Knights of Columbus, Guardian of the Sacred Sisters of the Pristine Princesses of the Gilded Veil of St. Tammany, Ringer of the Bell of Tockoes, Eight-Time Mister Olympia, Blender of the Holy Elixir of Dionysus the Stumbling, Douchemeister Du Valkyries, Donner of the Red-Nosed Cap of Blitzen, Master Harper Emeritus of All Pern, Former Member of the Order of Unattached Lensmen, Honorary Member of the Daughters of Lesbia, Grand Guitarist of the Sons of the Pioneers, Grand Vizier to the Court of the Crimson King, Chiller of the Schnapps that Made Olawsey Famous, and Defender of the Catholic Faith, is not dead, yet.
At a press conference yesterday, a stunned and stunning Starfleet Director of
Information Admiral Ophelia d'Cleavage made known the details of the Admiral's
reappearance. "Well, it seems that late last night, Major Captain, now Vice Amiga
Jim '
"
Beam
' Eeyup was in the Tullulah Acres Military Cemetery, despondent over
the loss of his pet lynx, Mercury. Eeyup, though fairly sauced, heard a voice
emanating from the tomb of the then-thought-to-be-late Niagara. Starfleet duty
overcame inebriation, and Eeyup investigated the sounds, finding them coming from
directly inside the resting place of our previously deceased Amalgamation leader.
Putting his ear to the grave, Vice Amiga (nee Major Captain) Jim Eeyup heard the
words, 'I'm not dead, yet!. Well, maybe, but get me the hell or heaven outta
here.
'
d'Cleavage was then overcome with happiness and could not continue, thanks to
help of Admiral Eacha 'Boy-Stud
' Cheer-ios. Minister of Management, Gittowta
'Ma
' Kichchen, continued the report. Said she, "Being a good boy, Jim tried
to make sure this was not a ruse, and asked for the Starfleet secret password. As
soon as he heard '
"
Bamboozle
' bellow from the tomb, Jimmy whipped out his
phazer, cut open the tomb, freeing the Admiral.
Stepping up to the mike, Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs, sworn defender of the Niagara
clan, said, "Is this thing on?
" That was quickly followed by a shout from
Admiral Wilhelm Klink, who said, "Hey, that's my line! I'm gonna sue!
".
Various lawyers in the crowed ran for their offices at that point.
F'Faggs continued, "Oh, sorry,
" causing many of the lawyers to return.
"Anyway,
" he continued continuing, "Eeyup's phazer discharge set off
alarms across the galaxy, causing most of Starfleet Command, the 82nd Space Dogs,
the Lake Pomona Police Department, the Papal Office of Incorporeal Beings
Investigations, the Amalgamation Bureau of Investigation, The Royal Marines, the
AFofL-CIO and the SPCA to converge enmass on the cemetery, causing a massive traffic
jam. Streets were blacked for miles. Definitely the worse case of gridlock since
New York sank in '98!
"
"Anywho, we all saw the ghost of Admiral H. L. Niagara emerge from the tomb with
his clone, Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara,, and were greeted by his first
words, '
"
Dammit, somebody get me a beer!
' And you know the rest.
Yes, we do know the rest, and there was none, not even for the dead. The entire five acre ballroom of the Lake Pomona Holiday Inn and Convention Center (overlooking the Mighty Focis River), was immediately prepared for a festival in honor on the not-so-late Admiral, that began not fifteen minutes later.
The party lasted until late in the morning,, until Admiral Red C. Pedestrian,
asked the resurrected Admiral Niagara, "Umm, where's the deduct box.
"
Admiral Niagara, the late one, exclaimed, "Will, you guys quit walking through
me? Anyway, that's what brought me back! I couldn't get no peace, what
with you and Groeshrees and O'Bryan and you damn seances, trying to find the
deduct box. Y'all made such a racket, God himself sent me back here. Dammit,
I gave it to Stalin. Why don't you ask him for it!
"
An astounded Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop replied, "Umm, your manating eminence, umm,
sir, you see...
" The nee-Admiral, then bellowed, "Wait, you don't know
where Stalin is?!!
"
At that point, the entire delegation of hundreds of Starfleet officers disappeared, causing the party to quickly end. The late Admiral was last seen walking with his wife towards his former palatial pleasure dome on the shores of Lake Pomona.
In what may be one of the galaxy's greatest financial blunders since Hillary Clinton, the galaxy's largest brokerage house, Macon Groeshrees and Son's admitted today that it missed a fortune in the sheep futures market when an unknown buyer in the Newton-John Sector purchased the entire galaxy's futures in sheep for the next millennium, causing sheep prices to voidrocket.
Stock N. Groeshrees, youngest member of the famed Groeshrees clan, and brother to Starfleet Admiral Bloeda Groeshrees, admitted to the press that one of their employees missed the buying call of the century, nay, maybe of all time.
"I would like to report at this time,
" reported Groeshrees, "that Senior
Vice-President In Charge of Sheep, Llama, and Ewok Futures, Merry Hadda Lillam, has
been relieved of her duties with the firm. It seems that she choose this infamous
moment to fall asleep at her desk during the time of this gargantuan buy, and, not
only did she fail to shear off mega profits for our company and its investors, she
also did not use her powers to stop this monopoly on this market. It is our belief
that Ms. Lillam should be held accountable, and we will pursue actions against her
and her staff.
"
When asked how much Groeshrees and Sons may have lost in the deal, the junior
Groeshrees replied, "Well, technically we didn't lose any money, we just
failed to make a tidy fortune. And that, in out books, is a loss. It will take
weeks to figure out our losses. I can tell you this, my dad, brothers, and the
Board of Directors of Niagara Industries are pretty ticked off about this. Some
one will pay!
"
The barbecued body of Merry Hadda Lillam, former broker for Groeshrees and Sons,
was found in a pit outside the home of her ex-husband, Merita 'Bunny
' Sunbeam.
Police have no clue as to who perpetrated the bizarre crime, but believe it is not
related to her recent bungling of the 'Sheep Leap
' deal.
Speaking for the Schwegmann Security Force, Captain Czechout Kwick told reporters,
"If it was something to do with that, there would be tell-tale clues. but since
we did not find any mint jelly on the sight, nor have there been any large buys of
the substance recently, we figure there must be some other motive. You can bet we
wont sleep on this case.
"
NEW! NEW! NEW!
Ultra-Sensitive
WILL ROBINSON STYLE
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for those times when you find yourself lost in space!
Dial 1-8000-GET-SHORTY
for our new Junior-Size Catalog
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