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In one of the greatest relief efforts in our time, the Rhondstat, the law-making council of the Amalgamation Of Non-Aligned Lifeforms, gave orders to Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara to send 1.5 million non-consonants to the vowel-ravaged planet of HSSLHFF.
Speaking for the government, Amalgamation Pro-Consul Stocker stressed the
importance of this action. "For too long have we been forced to guess how to say
Ngl, Mchl, Spczz, Prtt, Bdr(x), Chll, Cvtt, Grllt, Frst Bt Flls and other
geographical locations in their system
", stressed Stocker. "A's, E's,
I's, O's and U's are the basis for a civilized and well-mannered
society. Unfortunately, Y's are not part of the aid program at this time.
Sorry, Anthon! Try using i or ie.
"
Some members of the Rhondstat, and in particular Alf A. Newmerik (R- Lexi Grafer), uttered concerns that the letters might be used in verbal warfare against the Amalgamation. They received assurances from Niagara that the characters involved could only be used in nouns, pronouns and proper nouns. In addition, Admiral Niagara confirmed that no acutes, graves or umlauts would be shipped, and emphasized that these vowels would not be used in the production of any diphthongs.
The President of Hsslhff, Wrrn F. Qntssntl and Mayor Thdr Fnrd of Brghtn Bch
praised the Rhondstat for their compassion. "Fnnly wll b abl t prnnce Brlngtn,
Phnx, nd Dtrt th w th wr rgnll ntndd,
" Qntssntl intoned. His Eminence declared,
"Hey, I love vowels! If it wasn't for them, I'd be Hwth M. Ngr!
"
The first shipments of 151,000 emergency E's are already in route to Fnfrsn.
Special care has been take with the labeling of the packages containing the letters
to insure that they will not be mistaken for the dreaded schwa. Also, the people of
Hsslssf were assured that no "silent
" E's are being sent. Mirriam Webster,
chief of quality control at Niagarabet, supplier of the letters, said, "We have
double-checked the shipment and can promise that all E's left our factory in
100% working order!
"
If all goes well, with this endeavor, another 1 million vowels will be sent later this year so that the people of Hsslhff can spell their names correctly.
In return, Hsslhff promises to export all of their excess zeroes so that they may be used in the printing of the Niagara Industries, Ltd., Annual Report.
Been There, Done That."
Allegations are being flung around Starfleet Headquarters like cows from catapults.
Reports from the Barcardi System seem to indicate that the missing Admiral Dakkar
Keapz Stalin has supposedly accused Admiral Red C. Pedestrian of being "cranially
impotent
", being hung like a snail and having to get married because he was
pregnant.
When told of the suspected slander Red characteristically replied, "Bite me.
I have nothing against Stalin. I like Stalin. I think he makes a thrilling
addition to the reptile family. He can write whatever he wants about me.
"
When the difference between libel and slander was explained to him Red replied,
"Bite me.
" Then Lady Pedestrian, the former Boffme Sweethart, walked into the
room with their love child Czar Nicholas, and Red began to teach him the finer
points of used car salesmanship.
Admiral Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser, head of the Amalgamation Starfleet's Crack
82nd Space Dog Procurement Unit, who has been on the trail of the elusive Stalin for
the last 720 minutes said. "I hope to have my hands, or at least one of my
flunkies, er, junior officers' hands, on Admiral Stalin and the missing deduct
box within minutes! We know he's in the vicinity of Wheremachek. We've
found several hamsters wrapped in duct tape out behind the adult theater on that
planet. He has to do that to keep the rodents from exploding while he performs,
well, since you run a family paper, I won't mention any deviant sexual practices.
Unlike the rest of us, he does not enjoy good mental health. But that's what
makes him a good Fleet Officer!
"
Keith 'Jake
' Jacobs, a.k.a. Major Captain Dir T. Ohlman, a long-standing
member of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet, has passed from among
us. We would like to reprint excerpts from a note sent by his good friend, Robert
Neagle, to the Porno Patrol:
IT IS WITH THE DEEPEST REGRET THAT I WRITE THIS LETTER TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT WE HAVE LOST A DEAR FRIEND.
KEITH 'JAKE
' JACOBS WAS KILLED IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT (APRIL 9, 1996),
WHILE ON HIS WAY HOME FROM NEW ORLEANS TO PEARLINGTON, MISSISSIPPI.
HE IS SORELY MISSED ALREADY BY THE PATROL AND ALL OF HIS FANNISH FAMILY.
HE WAS CRESCENT CITY CON XI 'S FAN GUEST OF HONOR AND THIS YEAR'S CON WILL BE DEDICATED TO HIS MEMORY.
GOODBYE, JAKE. WE ALL LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. YOU MAY BE GONE BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. YOU LIVE IN OUR HEARTS WITH US EACH DAY.
YOU ALWAYS WERE AND WILL BE OUR FRIEND.
In a bold thrust into a new not-so-new arena, the Planets of Pleasure Corporation (POPCO) announced today that it would start a new division to be called Oral Fantasies. POPCO President and CEO Staff Fleet Admiral Reverend Dr. Sir Frisken Search declared that, after an exhaustive probe into the qualifications of several applicants he picked Star Fleet chanteuse, Heidi Heaux to head the division.
Heaux, a former Poptart, literally slurped her way to the top of the POPCO
organization and blew the competition away. Frisken was quoted as saying,
"She is tongue and tonsils above the rest in her field. She was the only Poptart
to have a client suffer death by orgasm. This will be a real juicy assignment for
her.
"
She comes with an impressive pair of credentials. Not only was she Torque and Friction Queen at the annual Canal Sector Biker Fair, but a swimsuit model for a popular monthly men's magazine.
Admiral Search at a loss for what to call the new position finally said, "Make
her Head.
"
Galactic Know-It-All Admiral Wilhelm Klink, a recent graduate of the Zbigneu Rheal
School of Vocabulary and Diction where he learned English as a first language, was
listening nearby. He confused the verb make for the verb give and the whole room
was treated to quite a performance. Klink is recuperating nicely and should be
released from the hospital soon. It seems he suffered a sprained neck and erotic
asphyxiation when Heidi inadvertently crossed her legs. While in the hospital,
Klink is writing a song for Ubi Doitchlan's new musical, entitled "Smells Like
Teen Tuna.
"
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