|
|
Close Help | ||||||||||||||
Spurred by a hot tip on the fourth race at Hiawatha Downs, remnants of the Amalgamation Royal Marines Corps staggered to this Niagara-forsaken region in order to ferret out the infamous Unaburper.
Though his real name is unknown and utterly unimportant, his horrendously loud belching has been responsible for many catastrophes, five starship sinkings, three earthquakes, and a host of civil wars.
Since his reign of terror started .5 kilofortnights ago, he has been suspected of causing tidal waves on Lake Pomona, the sinking of the A.S.S. WHITEWATER while in space dock, and the collapse of the houses belonging to Little Pigs 1 and 2.
The accused was found in a cavern, in a canyon, peacefully sipping a carbonated beverage. (ed.'s note: I bet you thought we were going to say excavating for a mine.) When he opened his mouth, Marines, fearing for their lives, open fired to retaliate before he could strike first.
Because there weren't any pieces of him large enough to stand up in court, 39th Amalgamation District Court Judge A. Judy Cayshin tried him in abstentia on the charges of first degree oral flatulence and sentenced his remains to be used as chum in the Ninth Annual Briny Deep Shark Rodeo and Speed Swimming Competition.
When questioned about possible use of excessive force to apprehend the suspect,
Royal Marine captain Jimmy 'Swagger
' Sticke said, "Why do you ask? Does
someone have it on video tape? Actually, our trigger fingers slipped. All 139 of
them.
"
In the present hunt for Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin and the missing Fifth Fleet continues, several Stalin sightings have been reported:
Admiral Bloeda Groeshrees called in the following report to the Henson Memorial
Command Center- "We have signs of Stalin on Howe's Bayou! The natives here
have found several unexploded hamsters on the beach, along with 73 sheered and
deflowered sheep.
"
Admiral Rip D. Fauhtze reports on the Amalgamation Starfleet's secret encoded
channel: "He must be getting desperate. Just yesterday there were signs of
gerbils, weasels and ferrets wrapped in duct tape. Not even Drucker would do this!
Well, maybe.
"
The Contessa Vanessa, wearing a stunning lamb-skin evening gown, was quoted while
on her way to the Annual Deflowering of the Virgin Rosebushes Pageant. She broke
into song, singing, "He is the very model of the modern Anti-Admiral!
" One
can only assume by that quote that she has seen the rogue admiral recently.
In a related story, officials of GalacticNet confirm an unexplained increase in activity on the newsgroup alt.sex.hamsters. boom.
Today in a seldom heard of region of the Oh But Noe sector, Rear Amiga Astala Vis Tababé discovered a group of frustrated scientists roaming the area looking for violations of health and safety standards. These scientists claimed to have been sent on a mission to make sure the galaxy is being properly funded for its rendered services.
Rear Amiga Tababe', still dodging his parents regarding the matter of his last semester grades at the academy, and realizing that Niagara Mining and Manufacturing were hard at work strip mining three planets and two small moons, put his best diplomatic skills into effect, preventing the A.S.S. LEON TROTSKY, FUP-9132 from paying significant licensing and trade tariffs.
After paying a small bribe, Tababe' feared that the scientist were not what they seemed to be, and determined that they were possibly Bjornn spies. He quietly disengaged from the encounter, and then notified Starfleet headquarters about the situation. Tababe', following Starfleet regulation GSGM 51, then proceeded to blast them into oblivion as they were not official Niagara Industries, Limited, personnel.
When word from command returned, the orders came through to actually destroy the interlopers. By that time, the LEON TROTSKY was already well underway to provoke the remaining Bjornn into attacking the Klingfree and Remoulade refugees.
Niagara Conventions Services, producers of the galaxy's finest Science Fiction Conventions, announced today that this year's DarathaCon will go out with a bang.
Speaking for the Convention, Con Chairperson Whooie Trekker said that the closing
ceremonies will include "the destruction of the entire dance stage set by means of
the new Hallmark Pharton torpedo. Yes, we will obliterate the set with the very
best! This should be the bang to end all Cons!
" exclaimed Trekker.
Trekker also announced this year's guests, which include Guest of Honor Aaron
Detires, author of the Star Yecch!- V'ger series; Artist Guest of Honor Jason
Mytail; Fan Guest of Honor Hiawatha M. Niagara, and Extra Special Guest Isabel
Ringing, star of the hit sci-fi series, "The X-Men Files
".
On Friday nite of the Con, there will be a special dance and concert, featuring Bubby Latenight and The Frigidaires, highlighting their new album of music written espeacially for them by Mega-Admiral Ubi Doitchlan. The new albulm also introduces the Frigidaires' new female vocalist, Feal D'Cleavage. D'Cleavage, the younger sister of Starfleet Information Officer Ophelia D'Cleavage, replaces Heidi Heaux, who has left the group to join her husband, Admiral Wilhelm Klink, in the service of the Amlagamation and the Galaxy. (ed's note: see article in previous issue, Heaux Gets Head Job.)
The Convention is set to begin 9608.08 at the Lake Pomona Holiday Inn and Convention Center, over looking the Mighty Focis River.
NEW! NEW! NEW!
Edible Rally Style
BIG BUFFORD
NIAGARA CONDOMS
It's not the Size,
It's the Taste!
deduct box" is beyond you, the editors suggest that you read the wounderful biography, HUEY LONG, by T. Harry Williams.
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
] 
