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Staff Fleet Admiral Dakar Keapz Stalin, who, along with the entire Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet, has been missing since the marriage of Admiral Red C. Pedestrian, has been found and returned to the fold.
Mega-Admiral Uberall S. Doitchlan reported that he made the discovery late last night when he received a message from Admiral Stalin, asking to borrow three cents.
Doitchlan, affectionately known to the galaxy as Ubi, told reporters this morning,
"Stalin just took his orders too literally. He was bugging me about why he
wasn't invited to Red's wedding, and I told him to get lost for a little
while. So he did.
"
The action actually helped the Starfleet High Command over come a logistical
nightmare. Ubi told reporters, "We had been trying to figure a way for all of us
to attend the festivities surrounding the Pedestrian wedding, without the Klingfrees
and Remoulades trying something nasty. So when Stalin came up missing, we knew we
had it made, 'cuz the enemy, those needle-nosed jars of elephant sweat,
wouldn't dare mess around with Stalin on the loose.
"
Concerning the mystery of the mysterious Deduct box that brought the late Admiral
Hiawatha Niagara temporarily back from the dead, Admiral Bloeda Groeshrees told the
galaxy that it and its contents are safe. "Stalin told me personally it is still
intact,
" belched Groeshrees. "Stalin said that he and his fleet did make the
humongous buy that cornered the sheep futures market, but the members of his fleet
used their collective salaries to do so. Stalin said that, since they didn't
know how long they'd have to be lost for, they wanted to ensure a supply line
for a long time. Why they had to have a thousand year's worth of sheep,
I'll never know.
"
When questioned by members of the Rhondstat as to what the Deduct Box was, and what
did it contain, Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara said, "That's
Starfleet business, and it's for us to know and you to find out! Now butt
out!
"
Starfleet information officer Admiral Ophelia d'Cleavage has set a press conference for later in this paper to tell about the new race that Stalin and his fleet encountered. Stay tuned for more details.
In a packed press conference at the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet's Jim Henson Memorial Command Center, Starfleet Information Officer Admiral Ophelia d'Cleavage told the galaxy of the new race encountered by Admiral Stalin's Fifth fleet, and the details surrounding said encounter.
"Here's what we know, at this time. Admiral Stalin bumbled, I mean,
stumbled upon a new group of people way down South, near the area where the Bjornn
were first sighted. Fearing they were Bjornn, he ordered his fleet into a defensive
posture, but as soon as visual contact was made, Stalin noticed that the new ships
were not the usual spherical shape of the Bjornn, nor did they display the erratic
flight plan of the reclusive enemy. Stalin then opened a dialog, during which the
new race, who called themselves the Carsailsmians, attempted to sell Stalin, a well
known sucker, a paper maché mockup of the ancient NASA ship ENTERPRISE.
Stalin began a faux negotiation, in which he, in order to lead the Carsailsmians
along, offered to trade his flagship, A.S.S. ANDREA DORIA, all the fleets'
sheep futures and $12.43 in cash for the ENTERPRISE. Once the deal was to go
through, Stalin continued the ruse, looking for backup, by telling the Carsailsmians
that he was short three cents, and would have to borrow it from a friend. Stalin
then opened a conference call to Mega-Admiral Doitchlan and informed him of the
'
"
deal
'. In the call, Ubi informed Stalin that some of the sheep shares were
non-transferable, and that the deal could not go through, until he, Admiral
Doitchlan, could bring in a fleet with the necessary currency to close the deal.
The Carsailsmians then told Admiral Ubi they would have to consult with their
Manager, and suddenly the contact was broken, and the Carsailsmians disappeared
across the southern border.
d'Cleavage then turned the microphone over to galactic Know-It-All, Admiral
Wilhelm Klink, who said, "Is this thing on? OK, from the vids I've seen of
the Carsailsmians, I agree with Ubi's first impression, they are some phugly
people! And from what we can tell, their technology maybe on the level of the
Klingfrees, so we better watch out!
"
Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop then took over, telling the crowd, "We really don't
know where they came from, so we have sent units of the 82nd Space Dogs and two
Porneaux Class patrol ships into the Southern void to track and report on the
Carsailsmians. ProConsul Stocker and Admiral of the Fleet Niagara have also sent
along the famed Downslownj negotiator Yueg Gazzongas to act as emissary for the
Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms, if contact can be established.
"
"As of now, Chief of Staff Pedestrian is moving the new Sweet Sixteenth Fleet,
under the command of Admiral Reverend Dr. Sir Frisken Search, to the region to act
as a deterrent against any new incursions. Admiral Search is just waiting for a
chance to see what his new Paladin class Corpulent Gun Cruisers will do in
action.
"
Admiral Klink was excited at that prospect, saying, "I can't wait to see
what they think of a fully-loaded Buick torpedo being thrown in their general
direction! Hehehe!
"
A new substance has been discovered with known properties that are astounding. It has not yet been fully tested so there some as yet unknown properties. The new substance has many names, but the most popular in scientific circles is Repellium, so named because of an unique attribute. Any attempt to physically cut, saw, hammer, crush, or puncture it is repelled. A fist-sized piece can be held in one's hand and it feels not quite solid. However, if you squeeze it to measure elasticity or malleability, it slips from your grasp. If dropped it falls to the ground at the normal rate of acceleration but stops strangely still upon landing. No matter the distance, it falls and stops on the ground with no sound, breakage, or any measurable effect upon the piece dropped or the ground itself. If thrown against a wall, it stops at the wall and falls to the ground again with no sound or measurable effect on the wall, the piece thrown, or the ground.
The largest piece found was a obtuse spheroid measuring about 6 centimeters in focal radius. Many tests have been performed on it but the reasons for this unique characteristic remain unexplained. It has been found that light energy applied to it outside the normal visual frequency or at an intensity above 12 candlepower stops approximately 3 millimeters from its surface. Lasers, phazers, proton beams, electrical sparks, acetylene or hypertholene torches have the same effect, i.e. none.
Its other effects are on sentient beings. Telepaths cannot send or receive within 10 meters of a piece of Repellium. Scientists engaged in analysis of or exacting a smaller specimen of any given piece develop monstrous migraines that subside only when the activity is ceased and no plan to continue is thought about. This has lead many to the theory the substance is more than a mineral and exudes some drug like effect. Others believe it to be a living organism, but that theory is shunned by biochemists and zoologists.
Dr. Eatda Groeshrees, renowned scientist and half-brother of the distinguished
ANAL Starfleet Admiral Bloeda Groeshrees, has the most chilling theory. "It is my
belief that this is a Trojan Horse deliberately planted to confuse the scientific
community and waste our time when we should be researching weapons and guarding
against espionage by known and unknown enemies of free space. There can be no more
plausible explanation for these facts. All samples have been found on border
planets. Prolonged exposure to Repellium deactivates trash warp drives (Hey, wait
don't print that!).
"
Professor Groeshrees was escorted away by members of the Elite Eradiation Guard from the infamous eighth fleet. (Who heads that fleet again?) All members of the press were stricken with massive headaches when inquiring about his whereabouts and all references to Repelium have been destroyed or erased except this o...
NEW! NEW! NEW! Little Boy Blue NIAGARA ORAL CONDOMS For those times when you want to blow your own horn!
East is east, and west is west, and you're all right as long as the trains don't meet!"
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