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Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Pro-Consul Jack Stocker announced today that he will seek an unprecedented eleventh term as head administrator of the Amalgamation's government.
In an excited but wonderfully dressed, press conference, held on the shiny steps
of the commanding Rhondstat Building, Stocker told the calmly waiting, but
approvingly nervous, gathering, "I am, once again, a candidate for the position I
have graciously held for these last 60 years, that of Pro-Consul of your
Amalgamation! When re-elected, I promise a vigorous campaign to bring renewed
development along the Hinterlands, and to the Rubble Zone, a lasting peace and
cooperation with the Klingfrees, and, I promise to bring to the peace table, either
by force or coercion, those chancre-covered monosexuals from the cesspools of the
damned, the Remoulades.
"
Great cheering followed the dignified speech, the dignity which has marked the
many fruitful, though sometimes horrendously dangerous, years that Stocker has held
the technically highest post in government. Stocker then entertained questions
from the press, the first from NIPS reporter Wilget d'Skoupe, who quietly asked,
"what will be your campaign slogan?
" To which Stocker responded, "I'm
sorry, I didn't hear your question?
" When the question was repeated by
someone with a less meek voice, Stoker told the patient yet daintily antsy crowd,
"I have talked to the people, and their slogan is mine. '
"
Why Change Now?
',
the people ask, and I concur. Why Change Now?!
The conference broke up after a few more innocuous but politically necessary questions, and reporters then hurried to the Amalgamation Office of Elections and Motor Vehicle Registration, where they found more candidates lined up to qualify. Those who were able to meet the thirty minute deadline, post the $1,000,000 fee, present 5,000 signatures from every system, and deposit on record the amount of alcoholic beverages consumed by them in the last month, were:
Phre4d Drucker, known to the people of the Shady Rest System as Honest Tom, representing the Whole Intergalactic Masculine Party (W.I.M.P.);
Oliver Kloezov, representing the Amalgamation's second largest political party, the Disestablishmentarians;
Algonquin J. Calhoun, leader of the Aymusenandee System, and candidate for the Mystic Knights of the Sea party;
Murgatroid McGullicuddy of Whazzunda Dekilt, the Loyal Order of Raccoon's candidate;
And Susan B. Anthony LIII, a radical economist from Czechda Buks, representing the interests of her party, the Patrons of Husbandry.
With the election being tomorrow, we can expect the paper to be filled with campaign ads, raking in lots of extra dough for this newspaper.
News from the Southern Void, on a not yet named planet, has been brought, saying that Amalgamation diplomat Yueg Gazzongas has been able to set up meetings with the newly found empire of the Carsailsmians.
Hopes here are high for success, for, even though the Carsailsmians have shown themselves to be ruthless in their negotiations, Ambassador Gazzongas has a reputation for being utterly more ruthless.
Many people will remember that it was Ambassador Gazzongas who was able to convince the victors in the Franco-Mustard War that, even thought they had been attacked by their slimy, back-stabbing, wart-ridden enemies, they were the actual aggressors, and that, even though they had won, they should give territory to the Mustards and pay reparations for the next 30 millennia.
In order to enforce an agreement, Amalgamation Admiral of the Fleet, Hiawatha M. Niagara has ordered Admiral Reverend Dr. Sir Frisken Search to take his 16th Fleet and rendezvous with Admiral Rip D. Faughtze and her First Fleet, the Divine Wind, and with Admiral Zbigneu Rheal with his Nullifying Ninth Fleet. Starfleet Chief of Staff Admiral Red C. Pedestrian says orders have been given that, in the event that negotiations should break down or fail, Admiral Search may begin live testing of the firepower of his new Paladin class Corpulent GunCruisers.
The Whole Intergalactic Masculine Party
Asks you to vote for its candidate
'HONEST TOM
' PHRE4D DRUCKER
"It's Time For A Change, And Some Change Back!
"
"I am not related to Sam Drucker, except by birth.
",
sworn before the 39th Amalgamation Court by Phre4d Drucker, 9625.07
Paid for by the
W.I.M.P.,
Lee Harvey Oswald, Treasurer; Lynette Fromme and Jonhink Lee, Jr., Chairmen
In the setting of a gala banquet and costume ball, the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet inducted two new members into it's most prestigious group, The Order of Saint Mitch.
This year's inductees were Staff Fleet Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs, leader of Starfleet's crack 69th Patrol Unit, and designer of the Porneaux class Patrol ships, and P.C.S.L.C. Admiral Wil E. Dicker, leader of the Glorious Second Fleet, and son of the late Admiral of the Fleet, H. L. Niagara.
F'Faggs was selected for the honor due to his brave and ingenious actions during the Trial of the Millennia, particularly his discovery of the false pretender to the admiralty. Dicker was granted the honor for his bravery and his gentlemanliness, particularly when he graciously gave up his claim to the post of Admiral of the Fleet.
When cornered by reporters during the gala, Admiral Wilhelm Klink said, "Hey,
is this thing on? OK, well, both guys are great, productive members of Starfleet,
having both shown valor above and beyond the call of vacuity. Not a nickel, er,
woman, er, I mean enemy, escapes their grasps.
"
Noticed begging for attention, reporters asked Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop for a
quote. He responded, "To Be, or not to be. That is the question.
"
Barging into the mike, Admiral Lady Slong Deray said, "Well, they couldn't
have found two better people for the award. Well, they could have, but me and Rip
are already in the club!
"
ELECT!! ELECT!! ALGONQUIN J. CALHOUN AMALGAMATION PRO-CONSUL IF YOU DON'T, YOUR GOOSE MAY NOT BE ONLY COOKED, BUT PAR-BOILED AND FRICASEED! Paid for by the Mystic Knights of the Sea, George Stevens, Chairman; Andrew Brown, Treasurer.
The small, slightly uninhabited astrosphere of Riceroenee was burned to a crisp when the Amalgamation Trotsky class Mediocre cruiser A.S.S. THOMAS E. DEWEY, under the command of Admiral Cher Tha Welth, accidentally mistook the mini-planet for an incoming torpedo.
Starfleet Command reported that the DEWEY, on routine patrol in the Qwikdin Sector,
suddenly detected an unknown object heading directly for the ship. Following
Starfleet General Order #2, which states, "shoot first, interrogate and
investigate after,
" Admiral Welth opened fire on the unidentified object.
Contacted on her ship, Admiral Welth told reporters, "Can you say
'
"
Sauté and simmer
'? Well, that's just about what happened. We
rolled a one before launching Pharton torpedoes, and, well, before you could say,
'Umm, Umm, Good
', the planetoid was toast.
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