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New allegations and counter-charges were being levied by and against the contenders for the job of Amalgamation Pro-Consul almost as fast as they could be broadcast today, with the election to be held tonite.
Leading the muckrakers is Oliver Kloezov, the Disestablishmentarian candidate. In his third news conference of the day, Kloezov fired charges of interference by Starfleet in the elections, sighting their firing of the new Buick Torpedoes at the Carsailsmian home planet of Pawpaw, an act designed to scare voters to re-elect Pro-Consul Stocker. It is this control-by-show-of-force stuff that had to be controlled! Starfleet must be told that they just can't go in and intimidate any possible enemy of ours!
Responding to that vacuitous statement, Susan B. Anthony LIII told reporters,
"If we had a new dollar, one that actually looks like a dollar, and not a quarter,
we wouldn't have to fight our enemies! We could just buy them off! That idiot
Kloezov and his party have fought against this idea, and I think that they are in
cahoots with the Reconstructionists to keep Stocker in power!
"
Following quickly on her heals, and causing her to trip, Algonquin J. Calhoun
launched his own salvo into the fray. "It is time to remove the bonehead of
contention,
" he demanded. "The whole Rhondstat must be cleaned out! I want the
whole place imaculated!
"
Laying noticeably low is W.I.M.P. candidate 'Honest Tom
' Phre4d Drucker, who
continues to claim that he is not related to the infamous Admiral Sam
'Mr. Snake
' Drucker. Said Drucker today, "I will not stoop to name calling.
We must stick with the real issues here. My opponent says, '
"
Why Change Now?
'
I say, why not? Give me a try, let me show you that I'm just as honest as
Pro-Consul Stoker. Anyway, why would anyone vote that booger-eating zit-popping
mongrel bunny Kloezov anyway? And that guy, Murgatroid McGullicuddy? What kind of
a name is that? I wouldn't name my dog Murgatroid!
Far away from the mudslinging is Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop, who, by law, can not
openly campaign for anyone. When asked for his opinion on the campaign so far,
Gumdrop said, "Well, In my opinion, Jack's up for re-election. These other
folks are running for second place.
"
Admiral Cleah d'Fleaux, who is currently interviewing Starfleet cadets for the
position of boy-stud Captain, told the galaxy, "Well, this is a lame campaign.
If the best they can come up with is booger-eating zit-popping mongrel bunny, then
maybe it's time to get some real candidates to rum against Pro-Consul Stocker
next time.
"
More news to follow with the election results as soon as the polls close and the bars re-open.
RE-ELECT!!
PRO-CONSUL STOCKER
"WHY CHANGE NOW?
"
Elements of the First, Ninth and Sixteenth Fleet were able to convince the Carsailsmians to negotiate and accepts terms delivered by the Amalgamation today at the peace conference being held in their system.
At a press conference following today's negotiating session, Amalgamation
ambassador Yueg Gazzongas told the Amalgamation press some details of today's
meeting. "Well,
" she expounded, "it wasn't going to well at first. The
Carsailsmian ambassador Rusty Lemmen would not agree to acknowledge the Amalgamation
sovereignty over the Southern Void. He was pretty adamant about it, so, I called
Admirals Search, Faughtze and Rheal, and asked for some input. After that, the
Carsailsmians were ready to come to terms. Now, we just have to work out the fine
data, and I believe that we will have very few problems finishing up by tomorrow.
"
When asked about the input from the Admirals, Gazzongas turned the question to
Admiral Rev. Dr., Search, who said, "Rip, Zbig and I decided to show them just how
dear we consider our borders to be. We launched three semi-loaded Buick torpedoes
(without the power seats and door locks) set to explode in their atmosphere. Said
explosions did occur, and all communications systems on the planet were wiped out.
Maybe a few birds, or whatever passes for birds there, went along for the ride too.
Reports from the A.S.S. LITTLE BIG HORN say that the explosions could be seen 7
AU away. When Rip told the
Carsailsmian ambassador we had 3,997 of these torpedoes left, he immediately called
Ambassador Gazzongas, and asked to resume their meetings.
"
When asked if this was an act of terrorism by the Amalgamation, Ambassador
Gazzongas replied, "Our policy is speak softly and carry a big stick. It just that
sometimes you have to swing that stick to make yourself heard.
"
Are you tired of being the bully of the galaxy?
Are you tired of beating the hell out of each and every possible enemy?
Are you tired of the constant skirmishes, land grabs,
and terretorial expanson of the present administration?
THEN VOTE TONIGHT AND HELP TAKE
OLIVER KLOEZOV
TO THE OFFICE OF PRO-CONSUL
The Disestablishmentarians stand for true galactic peace,
not peace forced from the end of a phaser.
Paid for by the Committee to Help Oliver Kloezov,
Gavrillo Princip, Chairman; J. Wilksbuth, Treasurer.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"At 2 a.m. in the morning, there is no such
thing as a typo!
"
Red C. Pedestrian
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