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BUD' WEISER TOP VOTE GETTER ! - COURT GIVES NOD TO STOCKER!
In what has to be the positively most extraordinary, nay, fantastic, nay,
unbelievable story ever to appear in this paper in the last month, we are stunned to
report that Starfleet Admiral Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser received the majority of the
votes cast in last night's election for the office of Amalgamation Pro-consul.
Billions of eligible voters across the galaxy wrote in the name of the popular admiral on their ballots, giving Weiser a 0.00012% victory margin over incumbent Jack Stocker.
But, in the usual bizarre turn of fate that usually accompanies stories such as
these, the Amalgamation High Court quickly reviewed the results and the ballots, and
with in minutes of Weiser's victory, nullified over 1.6 billion ballots,
claiming that the ballots all had misspelled 'Nuntha
' on them, making said
ballots void.
Victory was then celebrated in the Stocker camp, where supporters quickly over came their shock as the Amalgamation office of Elections and Motor Vehicle Registration delivered the good news along with 200 cases of Niagara Amber Bock beer.
Pro-Consul Stocker made himself available to the press before giving his victory
speech. When asked about the strange turn of events of the night, Stocker said,
"Well, when you've been in this office as long as I have been, nothing seems
strange when it comes to Amalgamation politics.
"
When asked about his other opponents, Stocker replied, "Opponents? What
opponents? Do you know their names?
" Reporters were left speechless.
Stocker then spoke to the over 100,000 supporters that had gathered in the Lake
Pomona Holiday Inn and Convention Center, saying, "I am proud to say the people of
the Amalgamation have bought the best Pro-Consul that money can buy. A balanced
budget and an unbalanced Pro-Consul- What more could anyone ask for?
" Stocker
then told supporters he had been in a long conference just preceding the election
results, and was going to retire to his villa for the night. "We have six more
years of work to do! Have some beer, then let's get back to work! But remember,
I won't vote to pay for another hangover holiday!
"
Final totals, as approved by the High Court, show Stocker garnering 55.6982% of the vote, with Weiser getting 44.30%. The other candidates received a combined total of .0018% of the ballots cast.
When asked of his feelings on the election turnout, Admiral Weiser told reporters,
"I was shocked at the news for the High Court! I didn't even know people were
voting for me. Anyway, I would not have accepted the job, simply because my
position with Starfleet is far too lucrative, I mean dear to my heart!
"
Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara, who by law has had to stay out of
anything to do with the election, was finally able to speak on the subject. Said
the Lord High Admiral, "I have known Pro-Consul Stocker for many years, and have
had the privilege to work with him since the demise of my predecessor. I can say
that the people of the Amalgamation can rest assured that we will continue to
operate business as usual. Just ask the Carsailsmians.
"
Algonquin J. Calhoun, candidate from the Mystic Knights of the Sea, was unavailable
for comment. However, when told that Calhoun may be asked by Pro-Consul Stoker to
serve as SemiPro-Consul, Calhoun's campaign manager, George 'Kingfish
'
Stevens exclaimed, "Whoa, Andy! For once we may be getting a piece of the pie
with out you havin' to put your fingers in it!
"
More good news came from the systems of the Carsailsmian Empire tonite, news that a peace treaty had been struck with the Amalgamation's new-found neighbors.
Ambassador Yueg Gazzongas reported via subspace radio to the Rhondstat this morning that the Carsailsmians had agreed to terms involving territorial rights, borders, free trade and non-aggression.
"It was a tough session,
" reported Gazzongas, "and in the end, we had to
give a little. But, the Carsailsmians have agreed to a slight expansion of our
borders into areas that they had claimed, I return for territory from the
Amalgamation. Admiral Niagara has told me that his fleet is ready to hand over the
territory almost at once. We may have a lasting peace with our new neighbors.
"
Workers were scurrying to jump start Starfleet's largest ship, the Schaefer class Dreadnought A.S.S. DR.DOO, SOB-2000, as it will see immediate duty in the turning over of territory to the Carsailsmians.
Mega-Admiral Uberal S. Doitchlan, who is in charge of the venture and territory swap, said that he will be underway in minutes, and that within hours, the DR. DOO will be in Carsailsmian space, delivering the new territory to the Amalgamation's southern neighbors.
When asked exactly what territory would be turned over to the Carsailsmians, Ubi
reported, "Well, you remember the Rubble War? And how, we towed that moon with
us? Hehehe... Gazzongas promised the Carsailsmians a '
"
fair-sized chunk of the
Amalgamation.
' So, Admiral Niagara and Pro-Consul Stocker have agreed to deliver
'a fair-sized chunk
' to them, namely the former Klingfree moon of Proctus!
I think you'd agree that that rock is 'a fair-sized chunk
' of our
territory.
Ubi then left for his ship, warning reporters and Carsailsmians alike, "Look out
for the moon!
"
Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs is reported missing at this time.
Starfleet Amiga Jim 'Beam
' Eeyup, recently cited for discovering the ghost
of the late Hiawatha L. Niagara, was wed to Lady Hurr Akaine last night in a
semi-private ceremony at the Cathedral of Saint Odo of Cluny here in Lake Pomona.
The bride, who was dressed for her dream night in a stunning gown by renowned designer, Tridis Ahnhunny, is the daughter of Ambassador Sir Gymme and Duchess Lan Akaine.
The couple was absolutely over-awed by the ceremony performed by Reverend Thizplaeciz F'Faggs, brother of Starfleet's lunar Admiral Sleapz F'Faggs.
Keeping with tradition, the Amiga's attendants were all Starfleet officers, namely the stately Admiral Red C. Pedestrian, who sported a new hair-do for the occasion, and Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop, wearing a new Babbelon five piece uniform.
Following the ceremony, the couple treated a few of their closest friends to a private dinner, and then embarked on their honeymoon on the Amiga Eeyup's home planet
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