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The crew of the Amalgamation Starship A.S.S. LOVE CANAL, 8PM-1332, discovered the souls of 39 humans inside a space craft hidden in the tail of a comet.
Through secretly encoded messages, Vice-Amiga Dit. Z. Blohnde reported to Starfleet Command that she had accidentally discovered the Hail-Boggs (lately known as Hail-Caesar) comet, which had been misplaced by voidenographers 2600 stardates ago. She told Starfleet Command that she was not able to ascertain the origin of the craft due to its age, but the souls had been safely stored in vessels known as Things Used as Receptacles for Data.
The 39 T.U.R.D.s, not to be confused with the 95 feces of Martin Luther, were delivered to the B.I.G. campus of the Grand University of Lake Pomona. There, at B.I.G.-G.U.L.P., Galactic Know-It-All Admiral Wilhelm Klink, Galactic Super-Brain Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop, will join researchers in studying the souls to ascertain their usefulness.
Reporters were able to contact the Diyonne Warwyck Benevolent College of Paranormal
Psychological Studies at B.I.G.-G.U.L.P., where Speaker for the Dead Chattenwyth L.
Viss issued a statement, saying, "We are beginning the ceremonies, er, research
at the present time. Stay tuned to this channel for updates from either Eleanor
Roosevelt or Hillary Clinton.
"
Niagara Scales and Feathers announced that it had just received a huge order for
chickens and snakes, causing a short term supply shortage. NSF spokesperson Ben
Dover F'Faggs told reporters that most of the orders came from the Grand
University of Lake Pomona. "We can only imagine what those scientists are doing
with those animals, but, it sounds like those Psycho-Benevolents are conjuring
spirits again.
"
In a surprise move that caught many market analysts and investors woolgathering, Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin and the members of his Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet sold 95% of their monopoly of the galactic sheep futures for the next millennium to a consortium of unknown buyers.
Sheersome Fleesome Brothers spokesman Koundt Yr Shieppe revealed some details of
the trade at a press conference today. "We received a request from Admiral
Stalin's quartermaster, Ensign Grade AA-Large Czech Derfigyrs, to find buyers
for the futures. We have no idea why the Admiral and his crews wanted to unload the
futures, but we were happy to take the contract and receive the tidy commission
promised by such a deal. We were able to quickly put together a consortium of
unknown buyers, including Letch R. S. Shepard, Tenure Phlocc, Gitcher and Gotcher
Goatte, Fliessiswhyte S. Noe (ed.'s note, no relation to the late governor of
Louisiana, James A. Noe), and other, better known parties.
"
The price of the futures traded was undisclosed, but was rumored to be below market value, but far above the price at which the Admiral and his fleet cornered the market last year.
Self -proclaimed leader of the exiled personages of Ubangme, Spier Chukka, pronounced himself to be the God-Emperor of the Zah-Eer System. Chukka, grandson of the late, last emperor (and now galactic dust particles) Chubby Chukka, and son of Uhpp Chukka and Hatt Tidduit, also declared that the system was independent from the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms, and would now be known as the First Ubangmees Methodist Episcopal People's Democratic Republic of Haimudafugawadjadunwmafugn-shuus.
Simultaneously (and believe us, this is a real trick for Ubangmees), Chukka's spokesman, the former late-night weekend disc jockey for WDYF-FM, Poach Munkee, chattered that the Ubangmees were in the process of commandeering all ships in the system.
Reports from the newly renamed planet of Herewebe, formerly known as Wherewebe, indicated that Chukka had been crowned at ceremonies in the last row of the Cathedral of St. Dorothy Mae. The also report that he is being supported in this revolt by members of the radical half-brood Tushlytztago tribe, which is best known for their miraculous (read spineless by the rest of the galaxy) escape from the complete and utter destruction which befell the original Ubangme System 2120 stardates ago. Readers should recall the event eight years ago when a single Pharton torpedo fired by the late Admiral Crystalline Spike during the first Ubangme Uprising caused the sun Boomus Avis to go nova. (See Amalgamation, etc. Volume 452, Issue 154).
Back on Earth, Amalgamation ProConsul Stocker issued the following statement:
"They can change the name of the system to Bite Me for all I care, but the system
still belongs to me, er, belongs in the Amalgamation! I cannot and will not stand
by while millions, er, thousands, er, dozens of useful Amalgamation lives are put
at risk. Somebody tell that cheap Mardi Gras Spier of a leader he better get his
ducks in a row before we pick them off like lice from his grandfather's butt!
"
Word leaking from Starfleet's Henson Memorial Command Center like anti-freeze
from a pig iron radiator led reporters to believe (and wager a week's salary on)
the fact that Admiral Wil E. Dicker had been given temporary command of the
Magnificent Seventh Fleet, and was heading off to, in his own words, "buss sum
ass.
"
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