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Admiral James Tyrone Quirk and the illustrious, heroic and sometimes inept crew of the Amalgamations most notorious and oft-ill-fated Edsel-class Battle-wagon, DYF-0151-A, A.S.S. BOOBYPRIZE, returned just yesterday, from a galaxy a bit to close to home, with an experimental relic, the sheep-breeding station Baa Baa Lawn 5IVE in tow.
The Baa Baa Lawn station was part of an elaborate subterfuge, the highly- secret- but- never- deadly Spacio- Husbandric Embryo- Enlargement Project, developed by the devious yet oh-so-studly Reichsfieldmarshall Greg Shepherd in response to Admiral Dakkar Keapz Stalin's cornering of the sheep futures market.
Speaking for RFM. Shepard, Leftendant Skip d'Records explained to reporters,
"Well, this is a project so gigantic in scope and so ludicrous in reality as to
boggle the minds of most Klingfrees. The plan involved sending back in time five
space stations specially designed to breed sheep at a pace faster than the
proverbial rabbits. Then, a starship would return to a less-distant past, recover
the stations, and bring them back to the future. The purpose was to breed enough
sheep in the past and bring them back to our time in a hope to break the monopoly
held by the Fantasmagoric Fifth Fleet.
"
d'Records continued, saying, "Two weeks ago we set the project into motion,
and yesterday, the BOOBYPRIZE returned with the Baa Baa Lawn 5IVE station, which was
able to breed and stockpile over five billion sheep.
"
"The BOOBYPRIZE was unable to locate any of the other stations,
" reported
d'Records. But the experiment on board Baa Baa Lawn 5IVE was so successful, we
should be able to break Admiral Stalin's monopoly on the sheep futures market.
"What?
" said d'Records, when he heard an annoying outburst from one of
the reporters. "What do you mean he doesn't have the monopoly anymore? He
sold it when? God, I hope my good friend Sam Drucker didn't have any part in
that buy out. I wonder who tipped of that SOB?
"
d'Records was quickly de-cued by the BOOBYPRIZE's chief surgeon, Dr.
Leonhard 'Bones
' Maloy, who, when asked about the missing stations, said,
"Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a vet. The closest I come to dealing with sheep
is Spot's damn Vultron anatomy.
"
The BOOBYPRIZE's first officer, Captain G. Spot, deftly elbowed his way to
the microphone and spaketh to the members of the Fourth Estate, there assembled.
"Ladies, gentlemen and... whatevers,
" he spoketh. "we knoweth not yet
wherefore said elusive unrediscovered stations be. Methinks, for I dareth not to
guess, that these absent four have befallen upon some misbegotten tragedy.
Forsooth...
"
Spot was suddenly and correctly replaced by the BOOBYPRIZE's chief engineer,
Capt. Montgomery Ward Scotch, who said, "I dinna kin what that green-blooded
pointy-eared fool was a sayin', but in plain English, we ain't a-tellin'
a'cause we-un's don't know.
"
The Bayou Placid Board of Trade was in a veritable tizzy today as sheep futures plummeted on receipt of the news of the recovery of the Baa Baa Lawn 5IVE breeding station. Fourteen traders reportedly expired due to strokes or coronary arrests in the pits between 12:42 and 12:46 this afternoon. Most of this was in the process of selling futures purchased just yesterday from Admiral Stalin by the some- what- unnamed consortium.
Skru Ewe, Senior Vice-President of Sanitary Supplies and the highest-ranking
conscious executive with the firm of Sheersome Fleesome Brothers, agreed to answer
reporters questions. Robin Garlandette, ace reporter for the AMALGAMATION, etc.,
asked, "Hey, Ewe, I mean, Skru Ewe, what's your take on the Baa Baa Lawn 5IVE
issue?
"
Ewe replied, "A lot of people are getting their butts wiped today. It seems
like the only winners in this deal are Admiral Stalin and Groeshrees and Sons, who
handled the original deal. Makes you wonder if whether Admiral Groeshrees used his
contacts with Admiral Stalin to help his family's business...
"
Suddenly, a large external cerebral hemorrhage seized Ewe, proceeded by a loud
"bang
". Admiral Uberal S. Doitchlan, who just happened to be in the crowd,
stepped up to the microphone and calmed the ensuing riot by telling people that
full refunds would be offered for all persons still holding ticket to last
night's botched UbiMania Concert. Ubi, looking down at the obliterated body of
Mr. Ewe, said, "Damn, this must be a high-stress job!
"
At 1:51 yesterday afternoon, a Seeking- Comet Uni- Dimensional (SCUD) missile was fired from the primary launch pad and occasional incinerator smokestack at the Grand University of Lake Pomona School of Rocketry and Histrionics.
The missile went unchallenged through the atmosphere and homed in on the tail of the recently re-named Hail-Mary comet. The Hail-Mary comet, most recently known as the Hale-Boggs comet, which had also recently been known as the Hail-Caesar comet, the Hail2-Dacheeph comet, and in some sectors known as the Baby-Bopp comet, among others, was the recipient of the re-suspended and re-expelled souls of the 39 members of the Brotherhood of the Pearly Portals.
Chattenwyth L Viss, SFTD at GULP, related that the findings by the team led by
Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop indicated that "simulations of reconstruction with a wide
variety of input variables, including saccharine, aspartame, cyclamates, and
phenobarbital, revealed that the 39 beings would be more obnoxious than Rush
Limbaugh with terminal flatulence, more obtuse than Hillary Clinton without makeup,
and more useless than tits on a castrated rooster.
" Said Viss, "We determined
that they were the forefathers of the Scooba Doobas, so we sent them home.
"
Stepping in to the limelight, which quickly changed hues, Galactic Know-It-All
Wilhelm Klink, also a member of the research team, spoke to reporters, sayin,
"Is this thing on? OK. If they hadn't found a heavenly reward while their
asses have been in space for 300 years, we're not going to give them another
chance at an earthly reward.
"
Phre4d Nossiph, featured performer of Ubi-Mania, a long-running unauthorized but gratuitously acknowledged tribute to the words and music of the galactically-renowned part-time musical genius and full-time scourge of the galaxy A.N.A.L. Starfleet Mega Admiral Ubi Doitchlan, failed to show for the opening of his tenth annual tour.
Hundreds of thousands of Doitch-Heads booed at the tops of their lungs (or gills
in some cases) when substitute performers Bratco took to the stage. Bratco is a new
group made up of Bonne Bon Gumdrop, Stride Rite and Buster Brown Pedestrian, Toe
and Goeaux Klink, Cub Bob Morgan, Fem Drucker, Geaux Braughs, and 'Duzzy
'
Dicker.
Luftwaffe Doitchlan, son of the famous Mega-Admiral, incited a riot when he joined
the group on stage, removed his Huggies Pull-ups, and lofted them into the crowd,
bombing the audience to the opening strains of "Odor of 101 Dalmatians
".
Miraculously, no one was killed, and only threes thousand were wounded, most by the initial sortie. There was only one arrest in the incident, that of Phre4d Nossiph, who was not present at the time.
This just in: Reports from the Magnificent Seventh Fleet, under
the command of Admiral Wil E. Dicker, say that the Ubangmees have fired upon the
A.S.S. EXCOMUNICATION, the flag ship of the fleet, and flag ship for Admiral of the
Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara. Starfleet Information Officer Admiral Ophelia
d'Cleavage has just spoken to reporters, where she said, "Well, boys, you
know what this means!
" She then opened her tunic, showing off the latest in
lingerie from Contessa Vanessa's Secret collection. Emergency crews were sent
in to mop up the drool.
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