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Yesterday, at the palatial estate of Lord High Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara, Starfleet officers were treated to a rare Bar-B-Que hosted by the Admiral and Lady Niagara. The cause for the celebration was the upcoming victory over the Ubangmees, and the return of the Hail-Boggs, newly renamed Hail-Mary, comet.
Among the well-dressed attendees was the always voluptuous former Starfleet stud Eacha Cheer-ios, being tagged along by his companion d'jour, Yano Yawanna Duemee, the sensuous Admiral Trixis Furkids, dressed in her Fig-Leaf best, and Captain Heidi Heaux, bedecked in a gown made up of S&WB sequins and a not-so salmon pink tissue d'toilet fabirque.
The highlight of the event was the competition for this year's Havoline Pennzoil Edsel Engineering Award. The contest was set by Admiral Niagara, challenging people to break the record for igniting charcoal on a Bar-B-Que. The old record of three seconds had stood since 1996, a little know fact undiscovered until the Admiral himself uncovered the trivia while indisposed last month.
The competition was won by a group called the Nairobi Trio, made up of Admirals
Sleapz F'Faggs and Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser, assisted by the strange yet dutiful
Rear Amiga Micro Fizzion Chipz. They succeeded in igniting the charcoal in a record
setting time on 1.2 second, whilst and at the same time, leaving enough charcoal to
grill a few burgers with. Their potion for ignition was an undertaking using
tetranitro-methane, which is many times denser in oxygen than liquid oxygen, which
was used to set the old record.
Other competitors in the event included: The Quad Cookers, made up of Admirals
Guhd E. Gumdrop, Wilhelm Klink, Ittaint Muzak, and Mustaben 'Spy
' Dahmahn, who
tried to beat the record by using a new version of the Orek Vacuum principle; and
the Combustion Consorts, made of Admirals Lady Slong Deray, Cleah d' Fleaux and
His Royal Highness Admiral Zbignue O'Bryan, who attempted a slightly newer
version of the Uncle Gus Murphy Gaz-O-Leen Ignition System, known in lesser systems
as the "Nahthazafyhah
" sequence.
But perhaps the highlight of the day was provided by Admiral Red C. Pedestrian and Mega-Admiral Ubi Doitchlan, who were able to ignite a fire, with help from the A.S.S. DR. DOO, by slinging the Hail-Mary Comet out of its new orbit, directly down to the target Bar-B-Que pit. The pit, along with at least one hundred square miles of Admiral Niagara's personal game reserve, were set aflame by the action, which caused a wonderful fireworks display for the entire planet of Earth, and the inhabitants of most of the Solar System. Because they used a starship weapons system to aid them, the Admirals were disqualified.
Fun was had by all at the Admiral's feast, who in the end, declared,
"Promotions for everyone! Death to the Ubangmees!
"
Tragedy was recently circumcised when Admiral Bloeda Groeshrees found himself in the restroom of the Paul Reubens Adult Theater with a stuck zipper. Groeshrees was about to take a dump when he realized he would be unable to get his pants down. To make matters worse, he had, only hours before, eaten a tainted lunch at the Ebola Mexican Restaurant and was about to suffer from a severe bout of the backdoor trots.
Keeping his wits he called 911. Paramedics arrived shortly to find him doubled
over in pain. Heroically he said, "I can hold it a little while longer.
"
Despite all their expertise and knowledge with needle-nosed pliers, they could not
get the Admiral's fly down. "Never in all my days have I seen a zipper so
completely rusted shut
" said paramedic Yawanna Cherry. Realizing the gravity of
the situation they called for the Fire Department and the bomb squad.
The predicament worsened just as they arrived on the scene. Bloeda's stomach
had started to growl. Firefighters carefully carried him downstairs from the fourth
floor and into the parking lot. They contemplated using the "Jaws of Life
" to
extract him from his jeans, but feared that the large tool would "rip him a whole
new asshole.
" The quick-witted Ms. Cherry ran to the ambulance and brought back
her "Scissors of Serendipity.
" Gingerly, she cut up the pants leg and through
the belt on each side, completely bypassing the stubborn zipper. Firefighters then
pulled off the remains of his pants.
Bomb squad expert, 'Lefty
' Knownutz, said, "You can never be to careful in
this type of a situation. He could go off in your hands. A very sticky situation
. It could be stinky, runny solids or just pure flammable gas. You just never
know.
" The Admiral's stomach started to grow in size. Bomb squad personnel,
fearing for the safety of those people in the vicinity and the very buildings
themselves, carried Groeshrees some 900 yards into the nearby field belonging to
local farmer, Inda Dell.
They then sought protection by hiding in a drainage culvert under a road with
their gas masks secured firmly in place. When his rescuers were out of sight Bloeda
yelled, "Thar she blows
", and proceeded to detonate himself. Shards of his
once white underwear went hurdling into the atmosphere, windows shook 4 miles away
and all canaries and parakeets within a 2 mile radius died from asphyxiation.
An unharmed and greatly relieved Groeshrees climbed out of a 12 foot wide and 6
foot deep crater. The Fire Department hosed him, and the surrounding ground, off
from their ladder truck a safe distance away. His first words were reportedly,
"Let's go get some dinner.
"
County Health Inspector, 'Boo
' Bonic Plegg, said, "I'm no judge of
craters, but I doubt that this field will be unusable for 27 years or so.
"
Farmer, Inda Dell countered, "Oh that's all right. I was planning on digging
a new cesspool anyway.
"
The only injury was when Yawanna Cherry fainted at the sight of Bloeda naked from
the waist down. In a near comatose state, the only thing could can utter all the
way to the hospital was, "Oh! It's twue! It's twue! Oh sweet mystery of
life at last I've found you!
"
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