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Special Forces of the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms Starfleet successfully brought about the complete and utter destruction of the Ubangmee insurrectionists in the Zah-Eer Sector.
Leading the way to victory were Admiral Nuntha 'Bud
' Weiser and his 82nd Space
Dogs, Admiral Wil E. Dicker, who had the honor of leading the Magnificent Seventh
Fleet, and Admiral Lady Slong DeRay and her Terrifying Third Fleet. These forces
carried out a plan conceived in the deep caverns of Starfleet's Henson Memorial
Command Center by the devious minds of Admiral of the Fleet Hiawatha M. Niagara and
Admiral Guhd E. Gumdrop.
At a press conference/victory celebration held a few hours ago, Admiral Niagara told the press the details of the victory.
"First,
" said Niagara, "early last Friday, '
"
Bud
' and his boys successfully
infiltrated the Ubangmee capital, and, through a few pieces of his handy work, he
was able to empty the coffers of the Ubangmee treasury, and most of the banks.
This succeeded in bringing about a minor revolt among the enemy armed forces when
they tried to cash their paychecks, and found that all they could get were coupons
for fifty-five cents off an Arch Deluxe at McDonald's.
Niagara then waited for the ensuing laughter to subside, and continued, "Then,
Wil E., who was holding the Magnificent Seventh Fleet just outside the system, sent
an ultimatum, followed by a small round of Pharton torpedoes aimed at strategic
cities on the inhabited planets and moons. Wil. E. waited until the 45 second
deadline expired, and then, with the A.S.S. EXCOMMUNICATION leading the pack,
proceeded to lay waste to every installation they could find. Needless to say,
wanton destruction followed.
"
Niagara then listed the targets destroyed, and by his account, and the accounts of many witnesses, the Seventh Fleet laid waste to the rebellious sector. Niagara reported that three Amalgamation ships sustained damage. Two Trotsky-class mediocre cruisers, A.S.S. LEON J.V. RICHELLE and A.S.S. IDI AMIN were sustained slight damage when the planet they targeted exploded, and chunks of it hit the ships. Admiral Dicker reported only 456 deaths and 26 injuries aboard the two ships. A.S.S. EXPECTORATION, a DeSoto-class Battlecruiser, received minor superficial damage when a rogue Ubangmee raider singed the DeSoto's tail lights with a futile blast from its Duzent phazers. The EXPECTORATION fired a belchon torpedo, which cause the offending ship to quickly disappear from existence.
During the abhorrent violence, Admiral Lady Slong DeRay sat back in Reserve
(ed.'s note: which is not far from LaPlace), resting on Hur Lar'Lz, her
latest gigolo. She and her fleet then proceeded to mop up the remaining survivors
(ed.'s. note: the term "mop up
" is used figuratively here, as a real Lady
would never think of touching a tool of cleaning.) Reports that the survivors were
being sent into slavery were vehemently denied by Lady DeRay, who, appearing with
what might be her new gigolo, Phyl M. Nwah, former mayor of the Ubangmee planet of
Treme', told reporters, "they are all being put into the usual detention
centers, and are being relocated to various industries at this time.
"
Starfleet Admiral Gumdrop, relishing yet another victory, told reporters, "Well,
another fool-proof plan defeats those plan-proof fools. Just wait till we take on
the Remoulades next month. Hey, wait!!!! Don't print that!
"
More details of the victory were promised to be upcoming by Starfleet Information
Officer Admiral Ophelia d'Cleavage, who said, "All the gory details, death
counts, explicit pictures and profit line will be given out in about three hours,
or, at the latest, at the Admiral's conference being held this afternoon at 3:30.
That is all!
"
Klingfree Minister of Galactic Posturing, Hugh Jass, today hurled charges of
genocide at the Amalgamation, Starfleet, its Admirals, overlords, underlings,
lackeys and other hangers-on for their rapid annihilation of the Ubangmee Empire.
"The species is extinct. They didn't even have a chance to make the
endangered list. What we have here amounts to nothing more than ethnic cleansing.
That's our job and they are invading our turf.
"
Starfleet's lovely and talented Minister of Information, Ophelia
d'Cleavage, appeared before the members the press and refuted the charges by
saying, "What's this business about cleansing? Every being in this universe
has the right and privilege to take a bath, with clean water, at least once a week.
Heck, some people do it on a daily basis. Now which one of you big boys would like
to bathe me?
"
Like most of her press conferences, this one ended with the usual stampede toward the podium. Slower members of the news corps where left in the aisles like road kill behind a dump truck.
Joe and Kerri Becker (Galactic Know-It-All Admiral Wilhelm Klink and Heidi Heaux), on the birth of their second son, Robert Joseph (Geaux).
Scott and Mona Wexler (Starfleet Chief of Staff Admiral Red C. Pedestrian and Lady Pedestrian), on the birth of their second son, Michael Moise (Buster Brown).
Bob Donaldson (Chief of Starfleet Elixirs Rear Amiga 'Cap'n
' Morgan) and
Kem, on the birth of their first son, Michael Andrew (Cub Bob).
Gus and Monica Michel (Vice-Adm. of the Fleet Guhd E. Gumdrop and Lady Rasp Erry Bourre') on their next arrival due very soon!
It was reported today that a bad batch of "MIR Brand
" Niagara Condoms was
recently made and shipped. The distribution was limited to the Admiral's
Washroom at the Henson Memorial Command Center and was first available about a year
ago. The executives at Niagara Prophylactic and Party Supply regret any
inconvenience this may have caused any Starfleet officers and as always are not
responsible for the outcome (legitimate or illegitimate) of using these defective
rubbers. If they had spent the extra quarter for the "Sojourner Brand,
"
they'd be humping their rocks right now.
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