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The history of the Amalgamation Starfleet is a sordid one, one which dates back to the late 20th Century Limited, the crack passenger train of the New York Central Railroad, for it was aboard this train that the idea of the automatic washing machine was born. Or, that's how the story has been told for two and a half centuries. Anyway, in the years following the Flatulagenics Wars (1989-1993), many nuclear scientists found themselves out of work, due to the harnessing of the new power source, flatulagenisite. One of these people was Dr. Havoline Pennzoil Edsel.
Edsel was lucky enough to find work as a washing machine repairman. As the loneliest man in town, Edsel had much time on his hands, and to occupy this time, he developed a project in order to keep his research skills well honed. He settled down to see if he could find the answer to a malady which had plagued the populace of the industrialized countries since the end of World War II.
Ever since the automatic washing machine had come into wide use, a phenomena manifested for which no explanation could be found. No matter what precautions were taken before putting in a load of clothes to be washed, it would never fail that one sock from one pair being washed would disappear. To those of this century, this may seem a bizarre occurrence. It was, however, a common event in the daily lives of 20th century man.
Without getting into the exact Physics involved, the histories tell us that while using his spare time at the Maytag Company, Dr. Edsel discovered that during the wash cycle of the washing machine, a deviance in normal space-time equivalence would occur, if and only if socks were present in the wash. With further experimentation, Edsel discovered that anything directly attached to the sock would also disappear.
Edsel immediately sought and was awarded a grant from the Phre4d Hawph School of Engineering at the University of Lake Pomona (Louisiana, old United States.) With perseverance, Edsel in two years was able to successfully build and demonstrate a crude WaRP drive. What would seem to be a boom to mankind actually led to the greatest disaster the Earth had ever seen.
The military-industrial complex of the United States, at the behest of then President Jim Bakker, attempted to obtain complete control of the WaRP technology. Since the state of Louisiana had funded Edsel's research in total, Anthony Uchello (then Governor, later Dictator of the Free State of Louisiana) laid claim to the drive, and all its profitable and research uses. When the U.S. attempted to seize control, Louisiana, with the help of Nicaraguan Freedom Fighters, began their War for Secession. With the help of the able generals George Spicuzza, Joseph Becker, Juan Valdez and T. C. Barthelemy, the Louisianians turned the tide of the war, capturing the entire Mississippi Valley and Texas, cutting the U.S. in two.
Support for the Secession fight soon came from all quarters of the world, but the most devastating blow to the U.S. came when the militia of the state of New Jersey, under the control of Col. J. B. Trippodo, joined the war, and drove southward to capture Washington, DC, the capital of the U.S. This event caused President Bakker to order tactical nuclear strikes against the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics (now the Georgian Kingdom) and the United Kingdom (now the Republic of Greater Scotland), two countries which were supplying arms to the Secessionists. Total nuclear annihilation seemed inevitable, until the appearance of the Super Weapon.
During the War, Governor Uchello engaged the services of the radical Physicist G. A. Goody Michel, B.S., M.S., Ph.D., L.S./M.F.T., to help build a fleet of space-based ships which could help in the Secessionist battles. During the development procedure, Dr. Michel, along with his brother DeVoid, accidentally combined the WaRP output with a standard .5 Watt L.E.D. diode [Radio Shack part #LED-6713] and discovered/invented the first MITEJUZ Phazer. The Secessionist then went to work building a small fleet (13 ships) of space ships with the Phazer weapons. Under the heroic and sometimes lucky marksmanship of Admiral Betty Eckerle and Captain B. D. Stocker, the Secessionist Space Fleet was able to eliminate most of the warheads launched by the major nations of Earth. Unfortunately for Earth, the Louisianians were a few minutes too late to save some of the capitals of Earth.
The presence of this new weapon made any further fighting fruitless, and soon an armistice was agreed upon. Earth finally had its peace, and a new superpower.
Following the New Orleans Agreements of 1992, the Free State of Louisiana agreed to lease their ships to the United Nations for exploration. Security on Earth was left to Louisiana and the several states that joined (or were captured by) Louisiana, forming the North American Federation. The Space Service became involved with interstellar exploration in order to find new homes for the desenters, or Unionists, of the N.A. Federation.
Thus, the earliest beginnings of Starfleet can be traced to the North American Space Service (No. A.S.S.), which was organized under the direction of Admiral Eckerle of Louisiana, and Admiral Hiawatha A. Niagara of New Jersey.
As the No.A.S.S. fleet explored the reaches of the galaxy, they found, contrary to other estimates, numerous hospitable planets. Earthers, tired and/or displaced by the War of Secession and its subsequent revolutions, streamed forward to settle these planets. Because of the hard feelings caused by the wars, a close association of planets never formed. Their common bind remained in the Space Service, who provided protection for the planets and for shipping.
During the latter part of the 21st century, a space freighter belonging to the Mitsubishi Sector stumbled upon the Vultrons in the F. Combustus System. The Vultrons had P-T-L technology, and had in earlier years contacted many other civilizations. For reasons known only to the Vultrons, they suddenly cut off all contacts and reverted to their planet. With the help of No.A.S.S. Admiral C. T. Tumminello, the Planets of Earth (as they were then known) opened trade with the Vultrons in 2086.
As mankind built his space civilization, he came into con tact with other species and all began to prosper. Until, that is, they met up with the Klingfree Empire. The Klingfrees had built a vast militaristic empire over a 300 year period, and, in 2134, they developed the Blatz drive, which gave them the ability to travel across the galaxy to the human areas. First contact with the Klingfrees in 2139 led to the destruction of the No. A.S.S. ship Hagebush (L.S.S. 7/11), and the capture of the planet Whatchamakallit. As the Klingfrees began to roll over one planet after another, Mankind and the other Beings of area realized that no one group alone could defeat the Klingfrees. Modeling an association based on the old Austro-Hungarian Dual Monarchy, the planets formed the Universal Radius of Independent Non-Aligned Lifeforms, each contributing sums of money and materials to build a Spacefleet and the accompanying army which could meet and defeat the enemy. The U.R.I.N.A.L.s decided to utilize the massive facilities of No.A.S.S. as Headquarters, changed the name to Starfleet, and set out to kill Klingfrees.
Starfleet was able to fight a holding action against the Klingfrees, and for two years the war was one of attrition. That phase ended when the Klingfrees launched a sneak attack upon Vultron. Faced with certain destruction, the Vultrons released their long-hidden war technology, including the Phazer Banks (member FDIC) and the Brapfire engine. The Brapfire engine gave Starfleet ships supreme maneuverability at sub-light speed. This combined with the Phazer Banks (member FDIC) made Starfleet almost invincible. By 2145 the Klingfrees had been driven from U.R.I.N.A.L. space. The Kobiashi Accords brought a temporary peace with the Klingfrees.
During the peace the U.R.I.N.A.L. joined with the Obsidian Conglomeration and formed the Amalgamation of Non-Aligned Lifeforms. The peace lasted, with the exception of minor skirmishes on the farthest outposts, until population and expansion brought the Amalgamation into contact with the Imperial Remoulade Stupendousness. The Remoulades turned out to be no more friendly to the Amalgamation than the Klingfrees. With the aid of their Croaking devices, the Remoulade Frogs of Prey were more than a match for A.N.A.L. ships. That is until they made the mistake of attacking the Vultrons. Vultron scientists worked overnight with Starfleet, developing the first deliverable energy-based bomb, the Sneezon Torpedo.
The Remoulades are very pragmatic beings. Realizing that the Sneezon Torpedo was taking a heavy toll on their space fleet, and the fact that for every A.N.A.L. ship they destroyed, Lake Pomona Spacedock launched four to take its place, the Remoulades suddenly decided to cut their losses, packed up and got the hell out of Dodge. Since then Starfleet has kept a quiet watch on the borders of both Klingfree and Romulaid territories.
The history of Starfleet is not one to brag about. It has suffered through ineptness and mutiny. There are rare cases of heroics to be proud of. What has brought most victories and accomplishments to Starfleet is just plain dumb luck, and the fact that our enemies have just been more stupid than us. That is the plain, simple truth. Starfleet is nothing to brag about.
Donald Y. Fellow, Ph.D.
Department of History and Avionics,
University of Lake Pomona
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